The Complexities of Yaoi

“The Complexities of Yaoi”

AN: This is a crack yaoi fic, because sometimes we want some crack with our smut. This fic does not take itself seriously and it pokes fun at yaoi itself. Regardless of what the beginning feels like, it is not an MPREG fic.

Summary: Crack fic! Goku wants to know why he’s always the bitch and Hakkai takes a moment to explain some of the complexities of yaoi.

Parings: Sanzo and Goku are mentioned. There are brief scenes that contain 8/9, 5/3/5, 8/3/8 and 5/8/5.

Disclaimer: This is a Saiyuki fanfic. I do not own the rights to these characters and I’m making no money off this fic. You need to be over the age of 18 or 21 to read this fic. All characters presented in a sexual situation are over the age of consent.

“The Complexities of Yaoi.”


Goku stormed into Sanzo’s office and stood before the monk’s desk.

Sanzo looked up from the latest requisition forms. “Yes?”

“I’m late.”

Sanzo sighed and returned his thoughts to needed rice and paint. “Then move your ass. I doubt Hakkai has started the lesson without you.” With Goku being the only student in Hakkai’s “class”, he often had to work with “Goku time.”

“No, Sanzo, I’m late.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Sanzo looked up again. This sounded like something other than neglecting the clock. “What do you mean you’re late?”

Goku pushed his hands to his face. “I’m late-late, Sanzo. It didn’t come this month either.”

Sanzo stood from his desk. Stuck somewhere between wanting to laugh and knocking Goku upside his head, he realized that Hakkai had forgotten something important in Goku’s studies. With his hands on Goku’s shoulders, he marched Goku to the practically empty room that served as their classroom.

Hakkai sat at a desk with papers around him and a red pen in one hand. Sanzo shoved Goku toward Hakkai. “Fix this.” Without another word, he left the room.

“Goku, are you broken?” Hakkai smiled.

Goku sighed. Why didn’t anyone else take this seriously? He plopped down on the floor and hung his head. “I’m late.”

“Tardiness isn’t unusual for you.”

Goku shook his head. “No, Hakkai not that.”

“Well,” Hakkai glanced at the clock, “You are tardy.”

Goku groaned and flopped backwards onto the floor. “It didn’t come this month or last month or any month before that. I don’t know if I’ve just not started or if I’m sick or if I’m pregnant and no one is taking me seriously.”

Hakkai laughed. He laughed so hard his glasses fell off his face.

“Gods! You too!” Goku drew himself to his feet. “Forget it! Just forget I said anything.”

“Goku.” Hakkai bit his lips closed and tried to collect himself with a few deep breaths. “Remember when we talked about the difference between men and women?”

Goku nodded.

“And would you be male or female?”

“Male.”

“Besides, you have to have sex to father a child.” Hakkai crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you having sex?”

“Have you seen Sanzo? I mean, come on, Hakkai. Who can resist that?”

Hakkai gripped his forehead. “I suspected Sanzo to have more restraint.” He sighed. “What is done is done, no?” He looked up at Goku. “Relax, Goku, you don’t get a monthly period. You’re a man. Men don’t get them. You have no uterus and thus cannot get pregnant.”

Goku shook his head. “But Greg Ayres complains that I’m always the bitch. He must know something I don’t.”

“Ah I see.” Hakkai stood and walked toward Goku. “That’s what this is about.” He draped his arm over Goku’s shoulders. “Greg Ayres is an American voice actor and a rather unique individual. Not everything he says can be taken seriously.”

Goku narrowed his eyes. He could tell Hakkai was trying to help, but that didn’t seem to answer the question. “I don’t think him being an American voice actor has anything to do with it, Hakkai.”

Hakkai nodded and his shoulders slumped a bit. “I feared you wouldn’t let me get away with that.”

“Besides, he must have some reason for saying something like that. If I’m not really a chick why am I the ‘bitch’ then?”

“Goku, let me explain a few things to you.” As Hakkai spoke the classroom faded away and a flip chart appeared out of no where. Hakkai lifted the cover of the chart making the easel wobble. The first page contained one word: Yaoi. “There’s this thing called yaoi. It’s, practically, a rite of passage passed down from one generation of fangirls to the next. In the eyes of some fans it’s held to a sacred level. They see it as a celebration of the beauty and equality of male-male relationships.”

“Me always being the bitch doesn’t sound very equal to me.”

“Good point.” Hakkai flipped the page and revealed a line drawing of all four of them. A wooden pointer appeared in his hand. “You see traditional yaoi has rules.” He pointed to Gojyo’s head. “There’s a thing called ‘The Height Rule’ which dictates whoever is taller is the one who tops and whoever is shorter bottoms.” The pointer tapped against the paper when Hakkai pointed at Goku’s head.

“Bottoms as in being the bitch?”

“That’s one way of putting it.” Hakkai pointed at Gojyo and slid the pointer to the outline of himself. “Following this rule, Gojyo would top me—“

Goku interrupted. “So you’re Gojyo’s bitch?”

Hakkai narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth. “That’s a crude way of saying it.” He cleared his throat and mumbled something about never being anyone’s bitch. “I would top Sanzo and Sanzo would top you.”

“I think I get it now. So, if Gojyo and Sanzo were together, Sanzo would be Gojyo’s bitch and…” He tilted his head. “That seems scary.”

“It can be.” Hakkai flipped the chart revealing a rough sketch of Sanzo on his back looking up at Gojyo.

Before Goku’s eyes, the sketch moved.

“What the hell are you doing, Kappa!” Sanzo sneered at Gojyo.

Gojyo crawled up Sanzo’s body with a smooth smirk on his face. “Helping you relax.”

Sanzo’s arm jerked and the banishing gun hovered just before Gojyo’s nose. “I don’t need your help relaxing.”

Gojyo chuckled. “Oh, I think you do. You’re wound so tight you probably shit diamonds.” Without another word, Gojyo pointed his tongue and started licking the gun. Parting his lips, he took the barrel into his mouth and moaned.

The sketch froze and Hakkai put a stiff smile on his face. “Things can get rather tense between them.”

Goku nodded. “So, if you and I…” Goku knitted his brow. “If you and I slept together I’m sure I would have remembered.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” Hakkai flipped the chart again revealing another rough sketch of Goku with his head back and a hand on his bare chest.

Once again the sketch came to life.

“Ah! Hakkai, I’m not so sure about this.” Goku’s back arched and a soft moan escaped him. The hand on his chest stroked his skin.

“Relax, Goku, take some deep breaths.” Hakkai kissed his way up Goku’s stomach. “Do you want me to stop?”

Goku squeezed his eyes closed and a drop of sweat ran down his temple. “No. Just do that thing again.”

“That thing, Goku?”

“That place inside me. Touch it again.”

“Like this?”

Goku’s eyes popped open and he cried out. “Yes! There! Please, there.”

The sketch froze again and Hakkai interjected. “The world of yaoi is full of all sorts of possibilities.”

Goku grumbled, “Why did ya have to stop it at the good part?” He looked down at his legs. “So once I get taller I don’t have to be the bitch anymore?”

Hakkai laughed and turned the page showing a profile sketch of all four of them. Beneath each profile someone had listed their information such as their birth date, age, height, hair and eye color, and blood type. “Yaoi has more rules than just the height rule. There’s a hair color rule.” He pointed at the profile of himself. “The one with the darker hair tends to top more, but that rule doesn’t seem to be followed as strictly as the others.”

Goku hiked an eyebrow. Hakkai seemed a bit disappointed. “So, sometimes Gojyo is your bitch.”

Hakkai grinned. “Exactly.”

A shiver ran down Goku’s spine. That ‘exactly’ seemed almost predatory.

Hakkai cackled as he flipped the chart exposing another sketch.

Gojyo struggled with the scarf that tied his hands to the headboard. His eyes went wide and he moaned so loud his voice cracked. “I’m sorry, Hakkai! Shit!”

“One of these days you’ll learn to keep your wandering hands where they belong.” Hakkai dragged a fierce looking clamp over Gojyo’s lips and along the redhead’s chin. He circled the edge of the clamp around one of Gojyo’s nipples. The teeth of the clamp closed in around Gojyo’s skin forcing the redhead to hiss and writhe.

Goku slapped his hand against the chart. “I’ve seen enough.”

Hakkai’s head dropped forward and he groaned. “And you tell me I stop it at the good part.”

After processing the implications of this new rule, Goku’s face lit up. “I have darker hair than Sanzo! This means he has to be my bitch.”

“Not so fast.” Hakkai patted Goku’s head. “I told you yaoi was complex.” He flipped back to the profile page. “The age rule tends to trump the hair color rule. Not only are you shorter, but you’re also younger than Sanzo. That’s two strikes against you for topping Sanzo.”

“Oh.” Goku looked down at his hands. That didn’t seem very fair. He couldn’t help it when he was born…wait a minute. “Technically, I am older than Sanzo. A lot older.”

Hakkai nodded. “Maybe, technically, you are older, but there’s also an…” He knitted his brow and nibbled his bottom lip. “This rule doesn’t have an official name. It’s an experience rule or perhaps a better way of calling it is a ‘worldly’ rule.” He shook his head. “Your naiveté presents your personality as uke.”

“Uke?”

“That’s what fangirls call the bottom.”

“The bitch?” Goku asked for clarification.

“Yes.” Hakkai shook his head. “I really wish you wouldn’t put it that way. You’re wearing out the joke.”

Goku scratched his head. “So, with the age thing and the personality thing, then you’d be Sanzo’s bitch?”

Hakkai’s shoulders rose and his voice deepened. “I’m no one’s bi—“ He cut himself off and cleared his throat. “Occasionally, I am the uke.” He sneered and flipped the chart a few pages.

Goku watched as the scene unfolded.

Hakkai, on his hands and knees, dropped his head between his shoulders. “Slower, Sanzo, please.”

Sanzo draped himself over Hakkai’s back. “If I move any slower I’ll be still. If you need a moment to adjust I suggest you take it now.”

Hakkai’s arms trembled and a blush washed across his cheeks. He took in several deep breaths and chill bumps spread across his shoulders. “I’m trying. It’s just…it’s just so… the stretch is just so…” Tears formed in his eyelashes. “God, Sanzo, I’m trying.”

Flipping the page, Hakkai declared, “Enough of that.”

Goku laughed. “Aww, c’mon, Hakkai, butch it up a bit would ya? It’s not that difficult.”

The pointer stick snapped in Hakkai’s hand. Dropping the short part of the stick, Hakkai continued. “It gets worse.”

Goku took a step back as Hakkai’s calm rumbling voice hung in the air. The new sketch came alive.

Hakkai looked down his naked body and pushed his hand against Gojyo’s forehead. “Gojyo, you don’t…” He squeezed his eyes closed and blush spread across his face to the tips of his ears. “That’s not sanitary. You don’t have to put that in your mouth.”

Gojyo ran the tip of his nose along Hakkai’s length. “Trust me, you’ll like it. I just can’t believe you’ve never had a blowjob before. That’s cruel.” Using the tip of his tongue, he toyed with the opening at the end of Hakkai’s cock.

Hakkai cried out and arched from the bed. His body shook as he spilled himself against Gojyo’s lips.

After ripping the page from the chart, Hakkai balled it up.

Goku couldn’t quite make out Hakkai’s muttering other than the words “credit”, “Kanan” and “adventurous.”

After throwing the wadded sketch into oblivion, Hakkai smoothed his shirt over his chest. “Let’s go on, shall we?”

Hakkai’s smile made Goku’s stomach flip. “Yeah, umm…sure Hakkai. Let’s go on.” Goku scrambled for a question. Something—anything—to change the subject. “So, with the age thing and the personality thing, Sanzo would top Gojyo? Sanzo’s ‘worldly’, right?”

“Given the right circumstances, that could happen.” Hakkai leaned toward the chart and flipped a few pages.

Sanzo’s hand squeezed the back of Gojyo’s neck forcing the redhead face first into the pillow. Gojyo jerked back against Sanzo barely gaining enough room to turn his face to the side. “Damn it, Monk. I gotta breathe!”

“Hmph.” Sanzo leaned forward and sank his teeth into Gojyo’s shoulder.

Gojyo’s hands twisted the sheets. “Geez, you don’t have to be so rough.”

“Don’t bitch out on me, Kappa.”

Goku chuckled. “I can so see that happening.”

“Not if Gojyo knows what’s good for him.” Hakkai flipped back to the profile page.

“There’s something I don’t understand.” Goku pointed at Sanzo’s age. “According to this, he’s older than all of us and with his personality why doesn’t he top everyone?”

Hakkai nodded. “With his strong personality it does seem like he’d be what fangirls call the uber-seme.”

“Seme?”

“Top.”

“Oh.”

“But, you’re forgetting he’s a priest.”

Goku shrugged. “And?” He didn’t see what Sanzo being a priest had to do with anything.

“Most priests take a vow of celibacy, so it’s conceivable that in any coupling Sanzo wouldn’t have the experience necessary to be confident enough to top someone.”

“Whatever, Hakkai.” Goku shook his head. “Most priests don’t carry guns and kill people either. What other priests do doesn’t have anything to do with Sanzo. Hell, what other Sanzos do has nothing to do with our Sanzo.”

“You have a valid point, Goku, but you’re neglecting our Sanzo’s pride.” Hakkai smiled and fished through the pages on the chart. “Our Sanzo doesn’t like to admit when he lacks experience. Confidence and experience is a critical part of being a seme.”

Another scene played out on the chart…

“My, my, Sanzo,” Hakkai looked up at Sanzo and brushed his fingers against Sanzo’s cheek, “Relax and let me take care of you.”

Sanzo curled his hand around Hakkai’s wrist and pulled it away from his face. “I don’t need anyone taking care of me.”

Hakkai nodded. “I didn’t say you needed it. I’m asking if you’d like to enjoy it.”

Sanzo sucked his teeth and turned his head. “Do you even know what you’re doing?”

“I lived with Gojyo for three years, do you think me virginal?” Closing his eyes, he pressed his lips against Sanzo’s.

Under a soft moan, Sanzo pulled Hakkai closer and rolled them both over placing himself on his back.

Goku shook his head. “If Gojyo finds out you’re that nice to Sanzo, he’s gonna be pissed.”

Hakkai held up his index finger. “What Gojyo doesn’t know, Gojyo doesn’t need to know. But, that does bring up an interesting observation. Different couplings draw upon different aspects of everyone’s personality.”

Goku ran his hand through his hair. “It seems like some of these rules contradict the other rules. Why would someone want to obey these stupid rules anyways? I mean, just because I’m shorter and younger doesn’t mean I have to be everyone’s bitch. What if regardless of how old someone is or how tall they are, they just want to top or bottom. Don’t people like doing one over the other sometimes? Sometimes I really want to feel Sanzo inside me, but every so often I want to do it the other way.”

Hakkai nodded. “That's true, Goku. Sometimes, in rogue situations, these rules are broken.”

Goku beamed. “So, that means I can top! Greg’s gonna love that.”

He waved his hand through the air. “Let’s leave Mr. Ayres out of this. He might not appreciate it too much.” He continued, “But you are correct. Technically, given the right circumstances you could top.”

“Even Sanzo?”

“Yes, even Sanzo, but you’d have to be careful and calculating.”

Goku nodded. “Yeah, he’s not the type you just throw down on a bed.” He snickered. “Well, maybe Gojyo can get away with that. Of course, he’s crazy.”

Hakkai reached behind the easel and flipped the cover over the chart. “This is just the beginning of the complex nature of yaoi. As you explore it, you’ll learn more. Some things have to be discovered on your own.”

“How do the fangirls keep it all straight?”

“I’m not so sure ‘straight’ is the right word for this discussion.” Hakkai chuckled. “If you ever want a hint as to what to expect, look at the very top of the screen and that should help you. Usually there’s some kind of guide or key.”

Goku looked up and numbers and words emerged over their heads. “Eight, five, three, nine and a bunch of X’s. I don’t get it.”

“It’s a code of sorts. A secret language. I’m sure you’ll figure that one out. Here’s a hint. Look for a nine to be listed first. You’re the nine.”

The chart dissolved into wherever it came from and the monastery room faded back into existence.

A sly smiled slipped upon Goku’s face. “Hakkai, do you mind if we take the day off? I want to go talk to Sanzo.” He was anxious to implement his knew found knowledge.

Hakkai nodded. “That’s fine, Goku, you’ve been working very hard lately. I’m rather proud of you.”

“You’re the best, Hakkai.” Goku dashed for the door.

Hakkai called after Goku. “Oh! If you ever see the letters M-P-R-E-G at the top of the screen, come see me again. That’s a very special and unusual situation.”

“M-P-R-E-G,” Goku repeated. “Gotcha. I sure will. Thanks a lot, Hakkai!” He ran out of the room with his feet barely touching the floor.

Two days later…

Sanzo busted into classroom and slammed his hands down on Hakkai’s desk making the brunet jump. “What the hell did you tell Goku and what the fuck is he going on about with the nine being first!”

“Ah, well, Sanzo, let me explain it to you.” The room faded from existence and a flip chart appeared out of nowhere.