I Hate You

[Thanks to Kenihiko for betaing!]

You infuriate me, Sha Gojyo. Just when I think that you’re growing more tolerable, you do something to prove me wrong and I want to shoot you even more than I did before. There are so many things about you that make you easy to despise; your philandering with women, your constant squabbling with the monkey, those little flirtatious comments you make to me when no-one else is around. I know you do it deliberately. And I know that you know that I know you do it deliberately and that pisses me off even more because there is nothing I can do about it. Aside from shooting you of course, and believe me, when I aim my gun at you and threaten to put you out of my misery, I sometimes have to force myself not to squeeze the trigger.

You did it again tonight. For the past week or so you’ve been on your best behaviour. You’ve helped Hakkai with the shopping without argument, you even managed to sit through an entire day in Jeep without pissing me off once! Then you blew it. I should have known better, really. I should have known not to have even the smallest amount of faith in you. I saw the looks you were giving me throughout dinner. I know that you brushed against me on purpose, even though you made it seem like an accident and yes, I did notice what you did to the neck of the beer bottle whilst smirking and winking at me.

For once, I actually considered letting my guard down. I thought about agreeing to Hakkai’s request that he room with Goku for a change and not because I wanted to spare him the discomfort of having to put up with my smoke. You’re not the only one who is frustrated you know, however unlike you, I don’t screw anything with a pulse and a pretty face.

Do you remember the night you told me you loved me? Sure, you had drunk a lot that night and I had put aside my usual distaste of having you paw me to assist you to your bed. Just before I dumped you on your bed, you appeared to sober up and stroked my cheek. Then you told me you loved me. For a moment, I was too stunned to react and just dropped you onto your bed and when I regained my senses, I looked down to find you passed out and drooling. Bastard.

I don’t love you.

Yes, I’d let you fuck me senseless. I’d let you do whatever you wanted to me if only to rid myself of the ache that appears every time you start your flirting crap with me. I’d lie down with my legs spread, silently begging for the smallest amount of attention you deign yourself to bestow upon me.

But I don’t love you.

You know what makes me really angry? It isn’t that you pick up cheap whores and bring them back to our inn to screw them. It isn’t even the fact that you seem to deliberately pick up skinny guys with blond hair whenever you get the opportunity. What really makes me see red is when you flaunt them in front of me.

“Look Sanzo, I’m going to fuck her/him/it when really, I know you want me to fuck you. And you know what? I want to fuck you too, but I’m not going to.”

Why don’t you fuck me?

Why don’t you choose me?

Why does it hurt?

You know what? Fuck it. I have a job to do and I don’t have time for your childish games. The next time you grab my ass and call me baby, I’m going to make you follow through on it, even if I have to hold my gun to your head until you come. I’m not going to hesitate like I did tonight and give you the opportunity to find someone else. I’m going to find out what it is about Sha Gojyo that makes my head and my groin and my heart ache.

Wait, no. I didn’t say heart. You don’t make my heart ache. You make my throat ache because of all the times I have to yell at you. You make my arm ache because of all the times I have to hit you. You make my jaw ache because I find myself grinding my teeth more and more whenever I’m in your company but you definitely do not make my heart ache. If anything, the constricting pain in my chest is a sign that you’re likely to give me a heart attack with all the stress you cause me.

And the tears? I just got some smoke in my eyes.

I really, really hate you.

But why does it feel like love?

The end.