I Love You

You, Genjo Sanzo, drive me absolutely fucking crazy.

You know I want you, don't you? Of course you do - I flirt with you all the time. Sometimes I think that you might want me too but then the usual Sanzo makes an appearance and I realise that I'll never crack through that hard, bitchy shell and find out what you’re like underneath. I know you've been hurt in the past. Join the fucking club! Do you really believe you're the only one in our fucked up little group with the right to wallow in misery? You act so high and mighty, but you’re not. You might be a priest but the only thing holy about you are your socks.

You give me every reason to hate you, but I don’t want to hate you. Every time you turn your gun on me a small part of my brain thinks it might be a great idea if you just did it. Put a bullet between my eyes and save me the fucking grief of constantly being rebuffed. How can you be so fucking blind? How can you not see how I feel about you? Like tonight, for example; all day long we'd been getting along fine. I swear you even cracked a smile when I told that joke about the talking duck! So, being the optimist that I am, I thought I'd give it another try. I played it nice and cool, subtle moves like brushing against your hand when reaching for my drink, not fighting with the monkey - hell, I even let it go when he stole off my plate.

Okay, looking back, giving my beer a virtual blowjob maybe wasn't all that subtle, but it got my message across, didn't it? A message that even you couldn't fail to understand and you understood alright. I saw the look on your face. It was a mixture of disgust, horror and "not on your fucking life, kappa". See? I'm not stupid. When you turned away from me, I snapped. It always happens that way - I get myself so worked up over you, get rejected and the only way I can work it out of my system is by screwing someone else senseless and silently crying out your name when I come.

You think you hate me? I hate me more, baby.

I hate me for continuing to long for you. I hate me for always deluding myself into thinking that one of these times you'll actually be interested. I hate me for loving you. I hate me most of all for the time I let that slip to you. Man, I was hammered that night but somewhere between leaving the bar propped on your shoulder and getting to my room, sobriety came a-knocking and brought with him his friends, clarity and lust and all of a sudden, I’m looking at you and thinking about how much I love you. Then, bad idea comes along and I find myself stroking your face and telling you I love you. That was a heart stopping moment, I can tell you!

You didn’t say anything. I didn’t honestly expect that you would. So, I did the one thing that could get me out of the situation and pretended to pass out. Pretending to be asleep is something I’ve always done. Gets me out of sticky situations like you wouldn’t believe. From one night stands who want to talk afterward sex, to blocking out the sounds going on in my mother’s bedroom. I shouldn’t bring that up though, because you have the monopoly on the painful past. Me? I’ll just muddle along like I always have done, fucking my way through the entire population of this world (and probably the next too!) without ever being with the one person I’ve ever truly wanted.

Now I sound like some fucking whiny girl! Is this really what you’ve reduced me to? Sitting alone after what was a fairly good lay, wondering how on earth I can get you to open up to me? Asking myself why I fell so hard for a prick like you. If it wasn’t so fucked up, I’d laugh. I want to beat my head against the wall hard enough to dislodge all memories of you, forget you ever existed but I can’t because I’m stuck with you day after day after day after fucking day!

No, I don’t really want to forget you. What I want is to take you in my arms, kiss you, hold you, tell you that whatever has happened to you in the past doesn’t matter because I will stay with you forever and that I’ll love you forever but it ain’t gonna happen, is it? Because you’re like a rose – beautiful to behold but too thorny to grab. All I want to do is grab you and never let you go.

I really, really love you.

But why does it feel like hate?

The end.