Make Me Feel...

Four Days. It’s been that long since I left and my stomach feels like it’s going to eat itself. Without warning I got up in the middle of the night and left, wanting to never return to that group of traitors again. They chose her. After all we’ve been through when it came down to it they chose their stupid futures over me. Was I really that much of a bother to everyone? I mean I know that I tended to get into a lot of sticky situations, but really was it really that bad? Of course it wasn’t! They wanted me gone for some time now. I can feel it. That’s why at the first opportunity given Sango, Miroku, and even Inuyasha…gave up on me for HER!

It should have been another normal day for us. Wake up, Eat breakfast, and go search for jewel shards. As the normal routine demands I got up earlier than everyone else and went down to the river Inuyasha had pointed out to me the night before. Lately I had realized that Inuyasha was on slight edge around me so I wanted to get up and make an extra special breakfast for him and the others to lighten the mood.

As I bent down by the river side with my jug I felt something powerful approaching. Almost immediately I realized the aura. Kikyo. Not all that threatening if you ask me. I could take her any day, but even though my mind said this I still felt like I was wrong in some way. My eyes searched the trees for the familiar red and white robes and soon after I was not disappointed because out of the bushes came the ever-graceful Kikyo. Looking like a runway model even in the dull colors of the miko garb. In a way it made me want to be her with my entire being but in another it made me want to laugh at the irony. How could someone so emotionless and dead looking be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever laid eyes on at the same time?

She didn’t just walk, she glided towards me as if it was the most natural thing in the world to her. I wondered if this was why Inuyasha fell in love with her in the first place. I knew even without questioning myself that I would never be that polished or poised and that’s what hurt. She is the everything while I am just the something. Even though our faces are the same the way we act and carry ourselves are totally different. Everything I mess up goes against me. Not even counting that I was never the favorite “twin” to begin with.
Trying to hide it behind a cheerful attitude only made it worse because inside the pain and the insecurities were eating away at me faster then normal. I bet if I would have a breakdown every once and a while I’d be a lot more confident. A little pampering from friends who thought you were going break would have made me at least feel like I had something to stand on. Instead me and my stupid selflessness turned things around and comforted everyone BUT me.

“You have gotten in my way for the last time. I won’t let you interfere with my plans from now on. It is my right to be beside Inuyasha and protect the sacred jewel shards from harm. You lack the mental and physical strength that is needed to be the guardian of the shikon no tama. Back down before you are crushed.”

I realized by the sound of Kikyo’s ghostly voice that I had been too involved with myself to even notice that she was almost four feet away from me. ‘Bad move. If she were here for a battle I would have been in deep shit.’ When I figured out that she was staring at me ( which was quite easy since she does nothing but stare at me ) I tried to pull it together.

“What?” As dumb as that sounded it was really the only response I could give her. I couldn’t believe in what she had just said. Maybe it was a misunderstanding and she was saying that SHE would back off. No matter what my brain said to me I couldn’t grasp the fact of it. So I listened again to hear her next sentence. Hoping that it would be different.

“In other words. I want you to vanish. Leave and never come back and even if you desire it to be different I won’t allow you to be what I should have been assigned to long ago. I think that the only reason you are here is because of my mistakes.” My body seemed to shut down and fire back up again with something fierce. “What do you mean for your mistakes?!” She didn’t move an eyelash as she said “Simple. I have thought long and hard about it and I believe that the only reason you were brought to this world was so you could help summon me back to the world of the living. Now though you are of no use to anyone anymore. It would be better for me…for everyone if you would just stop sticking around and go back to your own world.”

“How dare you tell me what I need to do? How dare the person who made everyone’s lives worse tell me that I’M the one who’s the problem? You don’t know what you do to Inuyasha and the pain you’ve put him through. I’ve tried to solve that.. To make him happy. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Even now there was nothing that resembled a frown or a sad look on her pale face. “No it isn’t. Maybe that was my goal when I was alive but now? I’m dead. Inuyasha and I are now in different worlds. Unreachable if you will. I could never do anything more than bring him down.” I heard a slight noise from Kikyo and I thought it was a sob. So this is how she felt? She really did want to make Inuyasha happy but was worried about her limits and making him fail in life?

“So you really DO want Inuyasha to be happy? It doesn’t matter then Kikyo because Inuyasha doesn’t care. Even if he will be dragged down Inuyasha loves you! I’m sure he wouldn’t care about something as small as that.” I could feel hope. She wanted to be human this is what she was aiming for. She wasn’t trying to hurt him all those times. She was just sad because she felt they couldn’t be together. “Actually I think you are confused as to what my motives are. My goal is the same. I still want Inuyasha’s heart as I did before. It’s just that now I want you to be out of the picture so you don’t interfere and I as I said before this time I will not be stopped.”

I couldn’t control it. It happened almost in slow motion ( as much of a cliché as that is ) as I felt myself shoot up and hit her with inhuman speed. How could she? After all the love her and Inuyasha shared how could she be so cold hearted even in death? “You bitch! Don’t you even have a heart anymore? I can’t believe I actually share souls with you! Dear Kami up above I wish I could rip it out of you! How could a miko who is supposed to be pure be so EVIL?!” My breathing was fast and choppy. My face turned a bright red color. I looked to see how she responded to my outburst. Her face was now once again impassive and I wondered if it even hurt seeing as she was made out of clay.

My yelling must have alerted Inuyasha and the gang because they came running through the trees armed and ready to fight given the slightest signal that I was in danger. I smiled they were always so worried and prepared when it came to protecting me. It made me feel proud to call them my friends.

I looked at Kikyo with a smirk on my face and what I saw was definitely not what I had seen just a few minutes before. Kikyo instead of wearing her normally expressionless mask was now wearing one that was cracked with dried dirt and sand falling out (1). I guess that is what it would look like if she were hit. It would have been a very convincing picture if I hadn’t knew what just happened. ‘Hell I did just see what happened and I’m still convinced.’ I could only guess what Inuyasha would think.

“What the fuck is going on here? Kagome what’s going on where is my…Kikyo what happened to you?” He looked so sad and vulnerable all of a sudden. I wondered if this was what love did to you. Is that what happened to me when I loved Inuyasha? It almost made him look like some lost puppy that was begging someone else to be his owner. That person was namely Kikyo. “I-nu-yasha…” She sounded broken and just as I thought this a huge piece of her clay made skin feel to the ground and shattered like a vase. Even more sand poured from her face and she looked up at Inuyasha with a looked that showed that she was almost to the point of crying. ‘Such fake tears so fast? She could have been the biggest actress of my time.’

“Kikyo. What happened? Who did this to you?” He looked like he was about to start tearing up too. “Oh Inuyasha. I was just saying what was necessary.” Necessary? She called kicking me to the curb necessary? I wonder if she would have just came in an literally kicked me out if it was unnecessary. “What? What do you mean? I don’t understand what your talking about. Who did this?” I was already tired of this type of Inuyasha. It made him seem weak and dependant. Quite the opposite to what I was used to. “Kagome. I was just telling her that she needed training in order to be the true protector of the shikon no tama and she…got violent. I don’t think she appreciated my criticism.” She coughed dramatically and feel to the floor in a heap of red, white, and black silky hair. ‘wow it’s like she practiced it in a mirror or something.’

“Kagome? What the hell? Kagome did you really?” I saw his face look hopeful. Like he wanted me to say no and come up with some other problem. I wasn’t going to do that but I sure as hell was going to set him straight.. Miroku, Sango, and Shippo had been quiet all along. Half of me was expecting one of them to say something in my defense like “I’m sure Kagome-san would not do something like that.” or maybe a “Kagome would never do that.” Even a defensive meow from Kilala would have been welcome!

“No Inuyasha! You have it all wrong! I got up early and came to the river to get water. Kikyo appeared and started telling me stuff about how I needed to disappear from the picture and go back to my own world. Then she said that she was still planning on taking your soul to hell. I got mad and I kind of accidentally slapped her but you have to understand that it was justified.” Then for the first time I heard Miroku speak “Kagome-san I’m sure to you it sounds right but your story matches with Kikyo-sama’s quite a bit and from what I can see Kikyo-sama is the one who is hurt. I understand that the stress has been getting to you but you must apologize. Kikyo-sama was simply trying to help.” I gaped at him in disbelief. I could he say that? My friend? The most logical out of the group. Couldn’t he see something wrong with this?

I turned to Sango with a look of hopefulness. Surely she would stand by me. “I’m afraid Miroku is right Kagome. You can’t just hit someone when they did nothing but talk or criticize you. I want to stay by you but this was wrong of you. I mean look what you did to her!” My respect for both of them vanished and all that was between us now were broken bonds of the past. Even though the event had just took place it felt to me as if my heart had been grieving and depressed for some time now because there was so much pain. All those memories we shared together, talking about how we would always be there for each other, and protect one another. Was it all just lies?

Maybe it was, and just like the usual Kagome I smiled the most blinding smile I could put up and said “You’re right you guys. I don’t know what came over me. I’m gonna apologize and hope she accepts. I feel horrible.”

Then they turned into the normal people who I knew and loved. It surprised me that they could seem to traitorous one second and then act like my real friends the next. Were they really serious? I mean even if Kikyo’s show was really believable did they really spend two whole years with me and not know that I’m just not that kind of person? I’m Kagome! The innocent one! The one who will even go so far as to let people walk over her just to make them feel happy. It’s just Kikyo that I…dislike, and honestly I can’t see how everyone else doesn’t dislike her as well. Maybe it’s that same thing that almost convinced me to love her. I don’t know what it is but Kikyo ( even if I hate her ) has something special about her that puts a type of spell over someone’s eyes so they can’t see her impurity.

Casting those thoughts out of my mind I turned and walked back to camp. Judging by the position of the sun it was noon and since breakfast wasn’t even started that meant that our whole schedule would be off. I sighed and got to making a fire. ‘Today I guess breakfast will be our lunch. We’re running low on supplies anyway.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The days go by slower and slower each coming day. Kikyo has joined our group and though I try I just can’t get along with her. I have tried bonding in the hot springs, breakfast, and even while we’re walking. She just makes conversation but you can tell she’s not into it. All the other seem to be going more and more towards her and less in my direction. They laugh together and make up games to play along the road. Kikyo decided to play and almost as soon as the decision was made Inuyasha yelled a “Hey what about me?”
Since when did he care about games? Wasn’t it his job as the grumpy group leader to say “Oi! We don’t got time for this we should be puttin’ all our strength into hunting jewels shard!” I just don’t understand what has happened to our comfortable group of friends.

Later that night we were sitting around the fire eating fish and bread ( made by me ). As I habit I started to shy away from Kikyo even though she’s been with us for over a week now. So now I ate my lunch in silence over in the corner of the little hut. No one ever said anything about it so I was free to do it whenever I felt the need to get just a little farther away from her intimidating aura.

It went just like any other night. Everyone got ready to go to sleep. Shippo hugged me and wished me a good night just like always. After I got settled ( I was always last to get ready ) Miroku turned out the light. I stared at the darkness for a long time before I went to sleep. When I did what was waiting for me in the realm of dreams was not very welcomed my current insecurities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up sweating with my heart beating so loud it felt like it was going to burst right out of my chest and go run a marathon (2). They did it again! Once again they took Kikyo’s side over mine! Even IF it was just a dream I know if the scenario were real they would have chosen the same! Tears welled in my eyes and let them fall even if it would just get annoying once they dried (3). I knew I was overreacting but it was like my dam just broke! I couldn’t take the torture anymore! It was like everyday I had to try and tell myself that I was needed but what kind of life is that? Lying to yourself every. Single. DAY.

Without really thinking about it I came to the conclusion that I would leave. I would go and live on my own for a while. Find a group that I could be with and be reminded that I was needed every day. I knew I wasn’t really a pro like Kikyo but I could stay in the game if really put to the test. With that I grabbed my bow and arrows. With no glance at the people who I used to call my friends I opened the flap of the door and exited hoping to never have to come back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That’s why I was out here like a freakin’ idiot starving to death because I was so determined I forgot to bring FOOD. How could I have possibly thought that I could SURVIVE on my own with food or water? God I really could make stupid choices sometimes. ‘Still not enough to really burden anyone though,’ I thought sadly. Sure it was a dumb I idea, and sure I made A LOT of dumb mistakes but small things like that shouldn’t matter. ‘Of course now my stupid mistake really does matter because I have no clue where I am AND I’m about to rip off my arm and eat it.’…okay that was really gross did I just think that?
Just then I smelt something that almost made me bark like a dog and run towards it begging for a piece (4). Meat. I don’t know what kind but I smelt some kind of meat cooking over a fire and something told me that it was almost done. I walked ( more like jogged ) to the source of the food and just before I came through the bushes I stopped and peaked through. What I saw made my stomach drop my right leg (5). Right there in the middle of the camp fire was a huge piece of meat that was roasting. I was about to run into the clearing and start chowing down even if it wasn’t ready yet. My left leg moved forward about to spring like a lion on prey when it froze. Staring in my direction was the great and powerful Sesshomaru. And it looked like that was HIS meat…




(1) Okay so what if I took that from Gaara it seems like it fits with her!

(2) I dunno where that came from so don’t mind it

(3) You know how your skin feels all weird and crusty if you don’t wipe it away.

(4) I dunno where that came from either. From now on ignore those.

(5) Well you know how they say it can feel like your heart dropped or your lung
Broke off and fell to your stomach? Well I think your legs is the only place your stomach can go….leave me alone!