Silent Wars

It's been a while...but I'm back with this, I hope you will like it.
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Silent Wars
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Just like we often found ourselves sitting in the tavern of an inn, having our drinks, watching the people passing by, entering, leaving the place and from time to time saying some superficial words.
Just as always during this goddamn journey, every day the same.
I enjoyed the last moments of a world which wasn’t troubled yet, which still went on as it had three days ago. Or five, or seven.
I heard the chair rattling; Sanzo had got up and now left the tavern. Goku was already asleep, it was midnight by now, and Hakkai was still leaning in his chair, in his boredom watching the men playing cards at the table in front of him.

I got up as well and took the stairs upwards but instead of opening the door of my own room I headed for his. Knocking on it was useless anyway, he’d just have told me to fuck off. So I opened his door, stepped in and immediately saw the gun pointing at my head. But I just closed the door, I wouldn’t let myself be intimidated by this. He wouldn’t open fire anyway.

As I came closer he followed my moves with his gun and when I was standing in front of his bed he had to twist his neck to look at me. He lowered the gun when he had finally recognized me but his head remained in that posture.

“And what d-”

I had reached out and now seized his throat. His hands immediately clutched at my own ones to loosen the grip but this was useless as well. Even now everything went just as I knew it would.
He gasped and tried to suck in some air and I gave him what he wanted, I let go of him and hit his temple hard so that he fell down on the mattress. My hit was well calculated, it showed its effects immediately: He wasn’t able to sit up anymore, as much as he tried while still gasping he couldn’t prop himself up on his hands anymore.

Now his silly attitude would come in useful, he wouldn’t scream for help, I could kill him now and he wouldn’t open his mouth to call someone to stop me. His vice would shove him only deeper into this.
I hopped on the bed and just kicked his jaw so that he fell backwards before he could even look up at me. When he hit the pillows his bill left from this evening sailed down on the floor from the air blast the impact had caused.

But he somehow had recovered his voice, he was still lying there but glaring at me, staring daggers at me.

“What…the FUCK ARE YOU DARING TO DO?!”

I had let him finish his sentence only to show him that I didn’t care in the faintest about his words or threats. I let myself fall down on his chest, wide eyes and a half open mouth gazed at me and then my fist collided with his cheek.
Once.
Twice.
Three times and six times.
After the seventh time I was satisfied, he was bleeding from his mouth and nose, coughing while slackly lying on the pillows which were speckled with his blood.

So easy.
His hand slowly sneaked towards his mouth to press it against the bleeding spots so as if this would stop them from hurting.

“Every blow of this. You deserve every single blow.”

He looked up at me with not so threatening eyes anymore. Rather astonishment and shock. There would have to be a lot more done to him before he’d stare at me with frightened or intimidated eyes.

“Every goddamn day”, I reached down to squeeze his throat again and he arched up and gripped my hands like before, “you make us stand your presence, you look down on us from your throne…
Every day we have to listen to the insults and rebukes for the things we think we do properly, every day you let us feel your superiority, that we’re only dirt under your feet, not worth touching them at all.”, he made choking sounds now, “You’re looking at us like we were worms, good for nothing, you’re spitting on us with your eyes, not even giving us the chance to answer you, but in the end you’re not any better than us.”

He coughed and whined now. But from the lack of air, not because of what I was saying. He was Genjyo Sanzo, not giving a shit about anything concerning us.

“You’re not any better than us, even worse, you know what rules are good for? Men are supposed to stick to them, right?! What are you doing, you saint, hah? Violating every goddamn rule possible, shooting people, cursing, not to speak of drinking and smoking but being arrogant and bitchy, absolutely the contrary of a Sanzo priest in general.

While you suck at your own life you oppress us, you live it out on us, you’re trying to compensate this weakness of yours by shoving us down, reprimanding us and always telling us off, sometimes you’re so easy to read.”

I let go of him and he sat up, gagged and coughed. Then I just heard him gasping and panting for breath, he was just desperately trying to inhale through a crushed windpipe.
This was just one picture of misery, while I would have got up after this, been on my feet after one second he had already reached his limits. But what did I care about that, tonight I was Genjyo Sanzo, taking it out on him and not giving a shit about anything concerning him.
I stood up and kicked him in the side, as often as he sat up again I sent him back down on the sheets.

“I’m gonna teach you a lesson now. A lesson of rigidity, ruthlessness, mercilessness and just something of your Sanzo-attitude…”

I kicked him so long until he was lying there, curled up into a ball and not showing any signs of life anymore. But a kick against his front made him lie on his back and he was heavily breathing though. The blood from his mouth and nose was smeared all over his face, the upper part of his face had already turned red and swollen from the hits and kicks and his cheek was so swollen that he couldn’t even open his mouth anymore.
His eyes had turned into tiny slits because of his ball-like eyelids and also because of the feelings which were expressed by this.
I bent down, grabbed the blanket and threw it on the floor.

“Your existence is an offence, I still wonder why they have let you carry the name of a Sanzo, you’re the devil himself, so spoiled and tainted that it’s hard to be topped by any demon or human being…
The air you breathe, the space you need, it’s just a waste, every little part of you which is sent into the air with your exhale is making us sick, it’s like you’re breathing fire and brimstone, you don’t know how much I loathe you…”

I bent down and unbuttoned his pants, Sanzo tried to sit up and grab my hands under some more moans of pain but he was already too weak. I just shoved them down to his knees and then gripped his limp cock.

“And I bet, you goddamn hypocrite, every time you’re alone, every time we are blessed with the absence of you, you’re rubbing this little well of sickness, I bet you’re getting hard every time you can demonstrate your power, this is just so disgusting…”

I squeezed until he sat up again, it must have been painful to constrict the muscles which already must have hurt terribly from the blows I had given him but the thing I did now must have hurt even more. I dug my nails into that soft flesh until my hand was trembling, he had put his hands on mine and now they were only lying on them, not even gripping my fingers, just lying there because he was too weak than to clench a fist anymore.
Big red spots were covering him from head to toe, literally, I had kicked and tormented him mercilessly.

While I kneaded his poor cock I felt it going hard and stiff and I just felt tempted to squeeze it more tightly. And when I had had enough of the sight of his violet turning tip I took off my own pants, knelt down in front of him again and without any warning or word I shoved my dick into the warmth of his ass.

A cry tore the night apart, I just hoped the chattering from downstairs was loud enough to drown it out. He arched up into the air, squirming and twisting in my grip, rubbing his feet against the sheets and throwing his head from one side to the other and constantly screaming and whining.

“Yeah, this is what you deserve, prepare yourself for this every night now until you can’t even lie on your little ass anymore.”

I drew back and violently thrust in again and another cry escaped him. Him, the one who never let his façade slip, who never lost his self-control, who always was in control of goddamn everything.
And now he was lying there, too exhausted and enfeebled than to move, his mind too strained than to think clearly and maybe call on the scripture, his body ripped open and smashed until he could barely breathe anymore. So helpless and pitiful. And I didn’t care in the faintest.

Again and again I pulled back and shoved my cock in again, every time he squirmed and whined until it became weaker, his efforts of bearing it stopped and he was lying there, slackly, standing it, bearing it, surrender making him motionless, acceptance, desperation and acquiescence making his limbs numb and not responding anymore to the commands his brain still must have sent out.

He lay there, trembling, his muscles contracting from too much pain, his stomach rebelling and trying to get rid of the coffee he had enjoyed an hour ago in his so appreciated silence, his face pressing into the sheets to muffle the screams which still spilled from his mouth like a waterfall.

And I came, I came from humiliation and honesty, cruelty and justice, filling his ass with my cum, covering him in hypocritical whiteness again, innocence and pureness, just like his degeneracy could only be erased by more acts of cruelty and atrocity.
I kept riding him, I even gripped his pelvis to keep him up in the air and I still dug into his bleeding ass when he had become too weak to open his mouth to scream.
I kept rocking forward and drawing back, with every thrust more of his so pristine blood sticking on my cock and making the sheets dirty.

After a final growl of fulfilment I stopped moving and I pulled my cock out, he flinched for a last time and went slack again.
Sanzo was panting for breath, even harder than I was after coming.

“You liked it, didn’t you? Look how hard you are, priest.”

I sat down on his chest again, his face shortly contorting with pain before I shoved my cock into his mouth.
He made another sound of desperation but stood it in silence then.

“Clean me, I don’t want to have the filthy shit of your ass sticking on my cock.”

When the taste of my cock had reached his taste buds he gagged. And I think I would have done the same while tasting another man’s cum and my own shit.
He was still gagging, trying to get rid of the stick in his mouth but I only helped him by pulling back and shoving it in again like it was his ass I was working on.
Just until my cock was clean I did that, then I stood up on his body. Somewhere, I didn’t care, I just noticed bones cracking under my weight.

“You know what you’re lying in? It’s just the same you imagined us being part of. Take it from me, I enjoyed what I just have done, every part of you deserves this and I don’t feel regretful.”

After a last kick to his gut, I jumped from the bed, put on my pants and left him.
His eyes had been widely staring at me, wet from his tears, filled with fear and full of pain.


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When I came down in the morning Hakkai and Goku were already sitting at a table, having breakfast and waiting for the last two fellows to arrive there.
But only one would come down today. I sat down and ordered coffee. And I felt good. Like I had resected my stomach ulcer in pain but now it was alright. Such a deep happiness that I began to feel slightly guilty struck me and with a delight I hadn’t experienced yet I drank my coffee.

After Hakkai had finished drinking his tea he looked at me with worried eyes.
“Do you know what’s up with Sanzo?”

“No.”

“I think I’ll take a look at him.”

He got up and left the room. And I followed him as well as Goku, both of us were eager to know what was up with him. And what he’d look like after this night.

“Sanzo?”, Hakkai shouted through the door, “Sanzo, is something wrong? May I come in?”

It wasn’t normal that he didn’t show up at breakfast, mostly he was even the first one to sit down and drink his coffee in his so highly valued silence. Hakkai knocked on the door for several times but there was no reply. How should he answer when I had nearly choked him.

“I’ll come in now!”, he shouted with a wary voice and opened the door then. He stuck his head into the slit and gasped.

“Keep Goku”, he said in shock and entered the room while closing the door so as not to let him see his Sanzo.
And I couldn’t hide my smile, good that Goku didn’t look up at me this time.

“Hakkai!! What is up with him, why don’t you let me see him? Hakkai!!”

I let go of him, quickly entered the room and locked the door before the monkey could enter as well. Then I turned around, already looking forward to seeing his bloody and swollen face and body. And I had to concentrate hard on hiding the lust and joy in my eyes when I saw that demolished, wrecked body lying on red and brown sheets.
With careful steps I came closer, pretending to be shocked and surprised, whatever Hakkai expected from me.
When I bent down to look at his closed eyes, to glance at the red marks on his neck and to stare at his swollen cheek the penetrating odour of vomit let me quickly move back.

“My god…”, I said with a smirk. Hakkai was standing in front of me, showing me his back so I didn’t have to hide my true emotions. I watched him shaking his head, maybe totally disturbed by what he was looking at now. He sat down beside him and softly stroked his cheek where it wasn’t swollen, which was actually nowhere.

“Sanzo…”, he said in a low and soft voice, “Sanzo…”

His head jerked to the side and tiny slits opened. By now his eyelids had turned violet and blue. His eyes rolled to the side where they met Hakkai.
And then me. He gasped and suddenly he was alive again, desperately trying to get to the edge of the bed at the other side, moving away from me with so frightened eyes that I smirked again.
But I quickly let it slip when Hakkai turned around to look at me in worry. He sighed and got up.

“Get Goku.”

I went to the door to unlock it and took him into my arms when the little boy wanted to run towards his Sanzo.

“Wait”, I told him. And I guided him towards the bed but let him stand some metres in front of it. Now he could watch Sanzo, cowering on the bed, shaking all over his body, sweating like a pig and stinking of fear.
In the meantime while Goku was trying to get these pictures digested Hakkai was scribbling something on a sheet of paper.

“Goku, please hurry and give the chemist this sheet, here’s some money…”
Goku took it but didn’t move, he was staring at Sanzo like he was hypnotized because he had never seen him like this before.
I softly nudged him, he looked up at me with wide eyes but then he quickly left the room.

When I heard him trampling down the stairs I came closer again to look at Sanzo to intimidate and threaten him again.

“Do you…know who’s responsible for this?”, Hakkai said dryly.

Now I was behind him, breathing centimetres away from his ear.

“Yeah.”
I let a long pause follow so as to let him get ready for listening to me.


“I raped him.”

He didn’t move. And didn’t breathe anymore. I licked my lips and softly pushed my head against his.

“I’ve done it…I’ve kicked him until he was lying on the sheets, bleeding from everywhere possible, I’ve squeezed his throat until he wasn’t able to scream anymore and I’ve shoved my cock up his ass until he couldn’t move anymore…it was me, the dirty inferior half-breed, the one who never can do anything right and who always talks shit. Who has the mingled blood of a superior human being and a low demon flowing in his veins, the one who is supposed to eat the dirt which his holy feet touch.

Yeah, I’ve done it”, I began stroking his hands, up and down, gently and not too intrusively, “I just got mad. Maybe I went crazy…but it’s supposed to be like this, isn’t he just always sneering at us, bitching around, spitting at us? He’s so arrogant”, I firmly pressed my hands against his while moving them down, “such a prick, such a hypocrite? Everything he does is right, everything we do is wrong, the principle is simple, it will never change.”

“But-”, Hakkai gasped.

“Yeah, yeah, but is this sufficient as to do such a thing, I know. So you agree on what I’m saying, right? You admit that it is like that indeed? He’ll always treat us like dirt, hasn’t he often enough called you and me useless? Idiots, piece of shit, useless asshole?”

Sanzo was still sitting on the bedside table with the sheets pulled up to his neck, trembling and staring at me like I would jump towards him and fuck him again.

“This human being, this vulnerable asshole shall control us? Bossing us about, telling us what to do? He always says he’s so powerful and superior but do you know what is left from that when you keep it in perspective?”

I left Hakkai and went towards Sanzo who now cowered down even more. But I gripped his forearm and held it up so that he was pulled up a bit from his sitting posture. He whined and tried to get his arm out of my hand but of course I didn’t let go.

“Do you know what is left from it? Just flesh and bones and a sick soul.”

I gripped his arm with my other hand as well and with a swift and forceful move let the bones crack. Sanzo jerked and screamed and convulsed in pain, Hakkai gasped and took a step back.

“You see, nothing behind that ‘I’m so powerful’. One not even so forceful move is enough to break his bones while ours will bear that with ease…he’s so vulnerable that he’s hiding this behind his behaviour, telling us off to show us how mighty he is, compensating his weakness by being the asshole for other people and hiding behind his cold and unsocial attitude.”

I let his hand fall down now, Sanzo put his other hand on it and bent forward in pain while still whining.

“Hakkai…come on…don’t you see how much he has already changed you with his attitude? You’re his servant, just the fucking dick who’s driving the car and else nothing good for, using your little dragon to get us to that fucking castle, irrespective of any pain he’s causing you and him?”, while talking I had moved and now was standing behind him and whispering into his ear while stroking his hands again.

“You remember that one time in November when we passed that mountain, it was cold as hell and snowing heavily and he insisted on driving until Hakuryu finally g-”

“I know”, he said and swallowed.

“Isn’t it undeniably true that he’s always having it his way? We doing what he tells us, licking his toes, doing what he tells us even if this is so wrong for us? He never has any consideration for anything, he’s so cold inside that he wouldn’t even cry if we died in a fight. He’d just say, well, he was good for fighting, now I have to look for another idiot, subordinate to me, and follow me, help me get my own shit done. This is his mission, why does he keep us? Because we’re good for defending him, helping him to get forward a bit more quickly.
Have you never asked yourself why he has asked you to accompany him? Just because of self-interest, egoism.

Then, every day the same shit, every inn the same questions, never changing.
Hakkai, have you brought along my cigarettes? Hakkai, can you wash my clothes? Hakkai, can you go down and bring me the soap? Not that he asks you to lick his cock clean after pissing.”

He bent his head. Because he knew that everything I was saying was true. This was Sanzo. Exactly.

“Isn’t it time…to set bounds, to show him that he’s just like us, not better but either worse than us? That every king is falling once, that everyone has to pass the sceptre and make way for someone else? I don’t say that we are the ones to follow him and rule over him, I just want to say that it’s time for some change in the pecking order.”

I snorted when I thought about the many things which came to my mind while philosophizing about that sick personality in front of me.

“When you’re healing him, doesn’t he always nag at you afterwards? Doesn’t he always complain when you’re shooting the demon in front of him when he wanted to shoot him and demonstrate his power? Doesn’t he always shout at you when you try to help him? Isn’t everything you’re doing and saying wrong? Everything just shit and nonsense and his words the true and meaningful ones…”

Hakkai took a step forward and lifted his head. Then he turned it a bit for a second to look at me from the corner of his eye and he quickly faced Sanzo again. He must have heard everything I had said but he must have been too distressed than to get the meaning out of my words.
I coughed and cleared my throat, then I turned around, went to the door, locked it and leaned against the wall with my arms crossed in front of my chest.

It was time for a change.

“It’s true…”, I heard Hakkai mumbling, “as much as…it hurts but it’s true”

He climbed the bed, dragged Sanzo down and stared at him while towering over him.

“Every goddamn time telling me to shut up when I‘m about to tell you something important, always telling me to slow down, drive faster, to kill the demons like this and that, to take this road and avoid that forest, to eat decently, ALTHOUGH I AM THE MOST DECENTLY BEHAVING ONE OF YOU FOUR”

I smirked, I could remember the scene very well when Sanzo had hissed at him to stop smacking only because he had been groped by a perverted man before and then had been furious because of that.

“I’m sick of your I’m-everything-and-you’re-nothing-attitude, I can’t look at your face anymore without remembering what a bastard you actually are!!”

He started hitting him, wildly beating him, hitting his face, throat, chest and whatever he reached, making Sanzo lift his hands and weakly hold them in front of his face to prevent him from more painful blows at his already terribly swollen face.

Even from the distance from which I was watching them I could hear Hakkai’s gasps of anger and fury and Sanzo’s cries of torment and pain. Again it satisfied me to watch him suffering like this, I was convinced that he deserved this, for all the pain and misery he had already caused us and others.
Hakkai beat him senseless, he didn’t stop until Sanzo was limply hanging from his hands; he had had to hold him up to better reach his face.
Such a brutal and bestial force was leading his fists, it was astonishing how cruelly Hakkai could act if he was only angry enough as to live it out and not stomach it.

Now he had passed out. Everything around him a mess, Hakkai heavily panting over him and me feeling deep satisfaction.
I left the room now to wait for him outside and after some moments he had closed the door and leaned against it with his eyes shut. He took a deep breath and then opened his eyes.
While passing him I laid my hand round his shoulder and dragged him with me.

“Let’s get some coffee and tea.”

In the tavern we sat down and waited for Goku to arrive. We drank our beverages in silence, it wasn’t necessary to say anything or explain anything.
After about five minutes Goku came running towards us, totally out of breath and sweating.

“I’ve…haven’t found any pharmacy…ran through the whole town…and I’ve found one then…”

“Thank you very much”, Hakkai said with the voice he had used before beating Sanzo. So concerned and worried…he was so good at playing different characters that it would have even been hard for me to distinguish between his real self and his show if I hadn’t known now.

Hakkai got up and we followed him again like two hours ago. But unlike that time I shoved Goku inside his room then and told him to wait there, we’d tell him what was up with Sanzo.
When I had closed the door of Sanzo’s room Hakkai was just coming back from the bathroom with a glass of water.
A glance at the bed affirmed me that Sanzo was still heavily traumatized, he was sweating like a pig, now in addition to the bloodstains adding some stains of sweat and probably even other stains as well. And even in his sleep he was still awfully trembling and clenching the sheets.

“You know…we should cocker him…”, he sat down and Sanzo slightly moved towards him, “we should let him get better and then continue driving westwards.”

He bent down to stroke over his cheek to wake him up again. When he realized that he wouldn’t be very successful by just softly touching him he kicked him in the side and Sanzo coughed but didn’t open his eyes. He moaned and moved his head a bit.
Now Hakkai took some pills, opened his mouth, put them on his tongue and then pressed the glass with the water against his lips.

“Actually…what do you give him now?”

“Just some vitamin pills, I bet he lacks of every vitamin possible, they support his immune system and with these he’ll recover more quickly, there’s nothing else to do.”

I sat down at the other side of the bed.

“Gojyo, you…”

I looked up at him and found him staring at me.

“You really raped him?”

I rubbed my hands against my eyes to get rid of the drowsiness.

“Yeah.”

“What was it like?”

This made me look up. I’d have expected him to be disturbed and disgusted but somehow I had woken a new Hakkai which had been dreaming in his other half.

“Well…it was a new experience ‘cause you know, I have…just fucked women until now…but it’s just as interesting as a female ass.”

I saw him sucking on his lower lip, intently looking at Sanzo who was calmly lying there like a raped corpse. Then he bent down and kissed him. Softly and carefully, the total contrary of his demeanor before.
But Sanzo woke from this, he slowly opened his eyes and when he had realized what was going on he weakly tried to move his head away but Hakkai had embraced him and didn’t let go of him.
Tears filled his eyes and ran down his swollen cheeks.

I swallowed and looked away.
While staring at the floor and bearing the desperate moans of Sanzo I wiped my hands clean from the blood which stuck on them because I had leaned into it.

When I heard the sheets rustling I turned my eyes on Hakkai again. He had sat up, now took the glass and went to the bathroom with it.
I faced Sanzo. He was lying there, calmly again but now crying. A sudden terrible sting somewhere between my head and stomach made me stand up and leave the room.
Through the open door I heard Hakkai talking then.

“Take these pills three times a day with water.”

Moments after that he appeared in the corridor as well and closed the door. Together we went to Goku. He was sitting on the bed and already waiting for us to finally tell him what was up with Sanzo.
Hakkai sat down besides him and told him that Sanzo needed some time for himself now, to recover and get better again and some more things like some attack or fight or whatever.
I just sat down beside him. That mood which I let Goku feel now wasn’t faked anymore.


In the evening when it was getting dark we went to our rooms, Hakkai shared one with Goku and I occupied a single one.

____________________

For the next three days we didn’t hear or see anything of Sanzo; Hakkai only went to him the next day to heal his arm but then we didn’t see him anymore.

The fourth day when we were sitting at the table, having breakfast we heard him coming down the stairs. Everyone of us turned around when he appeared in the tavern. He was keeping his head bent so that his hair hid everything which would let you identify his mood. With slow and very careful steps he went to the spare seat between me and Hakkai and sat down.

“Sanzo, how are you? Do you want some of my egg rolls?”

Sanzo only swallowed and bent his head again. And Goku’s face slipped.

“Sanzo…what…what do you have…”

“I think he still needs some time to recover.”, I heard Hakkai talking.

Sanzo had jerked at Hakkai’s comment, the moment he had started to talk Sanzo had thrown his head around and glanced at him. Goku hadn’t noticed anything.

“But he’s already up, why does he need even more time?”

“His body is healthy again but his…his mind will take some more time to recover, you know…”

So Goku abandoned himself to his food again with a sad face and we did the same.
When we had finished our breakfast we left the inn and sat down in our jeep. Hakkai next to Sanzo and Goku and me in the back seat.
And it was silent when we continued our journey.

After some minutes I found myself already thinking about that night. He had deserved it so much, every little sting of pain and every shove of desperation but…
Somehow the happiness and satisfaction had left me and what was left was only an empty and screaming feeling. Like…that bit of friendship we had shared was now completely destroyed, that bit which had filled me and now when it had faded let me feel nothing except void.

Sanzo was sitting at the front, still keeping his head bent so that he didn’t need to look into our eyes, suffering and maybe dying.
I noticed Hakkai glancing at him for several times during the drive, something indescribable gleaming in his eyes, something which I couldn’t classify.
When Sanzo slightly turned his head to look to the left side I saw tears trickling down his still swollen cheek, gathering at his chin and falling down on his robes in silence.

Hell…even if he was a prick and a hypocrite…even if he told us what to do and what to avoid…and for god’s sake even if he called us useless idiots and inferior filthy creatures…he didn’t deserve this. As much nonsense and stupidities he said and as much killing looks hit me I couldn’t stand this empty feeling any longer.

Now I was worse than him. I had just acted without thinking about it before, I had just relieved the permanent tension he caused me by hurting him and therefore silencing him, making him unable to hurt me anymore.
That whole attitude of his…it must have had a reason. Not for nothing he must have become what he was now. He had his reasons for being Genjyo Sanzo just like I had my own reasons for being Sha Gojyo, the eternal red-headed whore.

I had to accept it. It wasn’t the best to travel with a prick like him but I couldn’t judge him for that. I tried to drain my misery in faked bliss by fucking women, he tried to drain his misery by pretending to be mighty and powerful and Hakkai just tried to drain his misery in denial. The only happy one of us four was Goku. He had never had any reason for feeling bad, Sanzo had always been there for him and Hakkai and me as well if we were required. Unlike us he didn’t have any fucked up former life like we had to carry on our backs, his memories concerning his former life had simply been erased and now I wished I could let this be done to me as well.

Give it a new try.
Start a new life.
Without any pain left from the former one.

But life wasn’t like a game where you could load in from the point where you have saved your score.
Life was a game with only one Game Over and without any checkpoints to save. You had to do everything to the best of your knowledge and the things you’ve done couldn’t be changed. Only forgotten like some annoying bug in the game.
But those bugs weren’t just there to make it harder for you to finish your current mission, sometimes they were helpful and let you cheat to make it easier for you.

Maybe we needed one of those. Only one to rewrite the script and give it a new turn. If it was still possible at all.
Because currently Sanzo didn’t look like forgetting anything. He was just looking like cutting his wrists and longing for his Game Over.

Goku turned around and asked me what was up with me.
And I just answered him that I was worried about Sanzo.


______________________

When Hakkai stopped the jeep late in the evening I sighed. That drive had been one hell of a hell.
After checking in Hakkai gave me the keys to distribute them and while he paid for the night I gave one to Goku who immediately disappeared. I think he was even more worried about Sanzo than we were.
Hakkai had been so much of a reasonable and considerate man as to give us four rooms so that no one would disturb or bother the other when we all felt like needing some time for ourselves.

When I called Sanzo’s name his head jerked up and fearful eyes stared at me. We had totally broken him. Nothing left of his strong will to survive, nothing left of the fire in his eyes…just fear shining in them.

“Your key…”

I held it up in front of him but he kept just staring at me. And when I stretched my arm to show him that this was his he shyly took a step backwards.
This was so painful to watch…his eyes, his gaze and his moves showing nothing but fear and submission. He wouldn’t take the key from me.

I just grabbed his hand, he screamed and tried to pull it back but I was already dragging him up the stairs to his room. There I put the key into the hole and left him standing there.
My room was just next to his, Hakkai’s must have been next to Sanzo’s and Goku’s next to Hakkai’s.
After entering my own room for this night I sighed. How should we continue this journey if things stayed so fucked up as they were at the moment…

And I didn’t want him to suffer for his behaviour anymore. Right from the beginning I hadn’t wanted this to end like this but that sudden attack of awareness and cognition had made me do that.
And then those sad and broken eyes had dragged me back into reality, where I had raped and hurt him.

When I lay down on the bed I felt my hair tickling my back. His had been wet, wet from his sweat and his semen.
He violated every rule of his religion, was this my problem?
And when he was bitchy and just didn’t know how to get rid of his depression and desperation, did I have to listen to everything he said in his anger then?
I knew very well that sometimes one couldn’t take him seriously when he was sad or angry because of something and that he really appreciated our company although he always showed us that we disgusted him.

I bet this empty feeling had struck him as well, that awareness that the bonds were broken and that all the trust had been shattered.
And now that I had to experience this feeling I didn’t want him to change anymore. Shall he scream at me and call me an asshole, useless asshole and shall he nag at me until his mouth gets dry from it…I wanted him back.
His killing looks, his scowl, his shots which always missed me by a hairbreadth when I did nonsense again and his…so kind eyes when I came down the stairs with a sad and tired expression when I hadn’t slept much that night.

Only once I had seen those eyes of him, consoling and telling me that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way, telling me that the world would have changed the next day when I came down the stairs again. Making me feel warm inside, lighting that little flame which I needed to live, not the bigger one which I pretended to keep; raising a cosy feeling and making me feel understood.
Although the day would contain the usual ’Fucking idiot’ and ’Shut up, you shit for brains!’ it let me feel happy for the whole day.

Only once I had been able to draw this look from him.
And now I probably would never see it again.

If things stayed like this, ripped open, begun, started but not brought to an end, uncertain and forever between us I wouldn’t want to carry on with this journey, I’d rather bring it to an end without him and leave him behind to recover from every single blow we had given him. And then maybe get back to him.

I got up and quickly crossed the room.
I didn’t knock on his door, just tried to open it and against my expectations to find it locked it let itself be opened.
The room was dark, there was no light except the streetlights illuminating the room but they were enough to let me see where he was and what he looked like. We had taken an inn just at the main street so it was pretty bright in there, neon signs flickering in the dark, street lights and Chinese lanterns from other stores letting the walls look like being part of an organized play of colours; red, green, blue, violet, just every shade once passed my eyes while searching for Sanzo.

He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling; he couldn’t have been asleep because his feet were dangling from the bed, he had just let himself fall down on it so that only his shins were greeting me when I looked at him.
With a sigh he sat up to tell who had entered. He must have noticed my red hair, the red and violet light just made it look brighter and the colour more intense so he couldn’t have missed this big red spot on the other side of the room near the door.

I heard a frightened short gasp, then I saw him crawling over the bed to the other side like he had done it while I had been talking to Hakkai in front of him. I could even hear his pants from over there, I could see his hands nervously searching for something to clench and ease his unease.
When I came closer he wailed, he looked like he’d panic every second and jump out of the window, fall down and break his back before allowing himself to be touched for a second time after that incident.

I sat down on the bed and he bent his feet to curl up and not give me any chance to grab something of him. I didn’t know what I wanted him to be but this was certainly what I didn’t want him to be. Despite his desperate efforts to move away from me as much as possible I gripped his upper arm by leaning closer and he screamed, loudly but not loudly enough as to cause me worries about Hakkai or other guests. I pulled him closer and he just let me do it, he’d rather do what I wanted him to than risk being hurt because of his reluctance.
Days ago he’d have died before doing what I told him.

I could smell his sweat, his fear and panic, although he didn’t show me what he was really feeling I could tell that he had already panicked and only complied to me now because he couldn’t move on his own anymore. Now he sat in front of me, fearfully staring into my eyes, shyly expecting what would come now, watching every little move of me.
His breath still went much too quickly and I felt him pulling on the sheets in his nervousness. I wouldn’t torture him any longer with my silence, I just hoped he wouldn’t back away from what I’d do, I wished he’d stay there and accept my consoling touch and console me with this as well at the same time.

“Come ‘ere…”, and I pulled him closer, softly pressed him against my chest and embraced him with the other hand. First he screamed and tried to free himself from my grip but when I let go of his head and stroked his cheek he calmed down a bit and didn’t squirm anymore.

When I felt that he wouldn’t move backwards anymore I embraced him again, gently and not too tightly so that he still could refuse my touch if he really wanted to.
Then I felt his hands, one on my chest, tightly gripping the top I was wearing and the other wound round my back and also gripping the fabric there. He pressed his wet face against my chest on his own now, snuggling up to it and pulling on the shirt.

And I didn’t dare to do anything else than just holding him like this, if he wanted to be petted then he’d show me and if he wanted to get rid of me he’d also let me know that.
As I sat there, distracted by the lights still floating over the walls I felt his hot breath hitting my chest and his tears wetting the fabric.
I let go of his back with my right hand and put it on his head to gently pet him there though. I heard him sighing and felt him rubbing his eyes but then he wound his hand round my back again like before.

He wouldn’t let go of me so soon so I decided to lie down with him, I gently moved him to the side and pushed him down with me and now he was lying in front of me, his face buried in the depths of my hair and shirt and his hands still gripping the top but now his nails also digging into my flesh like he wanted to keep me there and prevent me from leaving him.
And this was just weird, I raped him, shattered him with that and then he didn’t want to let me go anymore.

The smell of fried noodles now penetrated my nose, the window was opened and a cool breeze carried that well-known scent with it. The lights were dancing around me, still distracting me from the beautiful scene I was so lucky being part of.
I stroked his cheek now, carefully and attentive not to miss any sign of a probable refusal. He sighed and rubbed his head against my chest again.

Minutes passed while I was lying there and I didn’t feel bored. Not in the faintest.
Even hours passed while I was holding him, taking the pain from him and beginning to feel that empty feeling fading again. And to my biggest surprise it was even replaced by a better one than the general feeling when travelling with him.

I softly stroked over his head for a last time and then carefully moved backwards, took the hands from my back and placed them on the sheets in front of him. His breathing had calmed a long time ago and the trembling had stopped as well.
With slow and silent steps I left the room, now with a completely different gaze from the one with which I had entered hours ago.

When I lay down on my bed again I couldn’t hide the smile. It wasn’t such a malicious smirk anymore, it was just a true smile.

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The next morning when I came down to have breakfast I met Hakkai there.

“Where’s Goku?”

In the meantime I had got used to Sanzo being the last one to arrive at breakfast so I didn’t worry about him so much.

“He’s already finished and he’s gone to search for other noodle restaurants…”

This reminded me of the scent I had smelled in Sanzo’s room.

“Well, there’s one at the other side of the street, smelled pretty good.”, I smiled.

Hakkai stared at me, maybe surprised at my smile but I just sat down and ordered my coffee. From the heavy silence which seemed to surround Hakkai I guessed that he still felt uncomfortable about this whole thing. But I bet he’d cheer up the moment he’d see Sanzo coming down.

After some more minutes Sanzo really came down, dressed in his jeans and black leather top with his gloves.
Just imagine I had raped this man…now I’d have killed for another second in his warm welcoming ass…I cleared my throat when I realized what I was thinking about.
Sanzo still looked bad, pretty harassed but he had already changed a bit. His head wasn’t bent so much anymore and his eyes kept some of their former radiance again.

I smiled but quickly hid it by licking over my lips when he sat down. Now I waved for the waitress to bring me another cup of coffee and when she put it down in front of me I shoved it into Sanzo’s direction.
He shyly looked up and silently asked me what this should be about but I encouraged him with a smile to take the offer.
And not like yesterday he refused it, he reached out and took the plate with the cup. When his fingers accidentally touched mine I quickly moved them and brushed over his before he could draw back.

He really drew back but not quickly enough as to escape my touch completely. After another moment of staring at me in uncertainty he finally took the cup and placed it in front of him.
Hakkai had just watched with disbelief.

Now I watched Sanzo pouring some sugar into his coffee and stirring it. When he was done with that he glanced up at me as if to tell whether I’d hit him if he’d do something wrong. But I just smiled at him and sipped my own coffee. Assured of that nothing would happen, no matter what he’d do now, he lifted his hand with the spoon and licked it dry from the coffee.

I was just a pervert. This had turned me on so much that I began to search for something with which I could compare this effect but was stunned when I couldn’t find anything in my memory.
Sanzo now took his cup to drink some coffee but I leaned closer and stared at him and while still guiding the cup to his mouth his eyes rolled to the side to look at me.
He had expected me to hit him or something because he had done something wrong, his eyes let me see that he was still so fucking frightened of me.

“How did you sleep?”

First he blinked at that question, instead of receiving a blow he had received a question, but not a simple one, one which just showed him that I cared about him.
He cast his eyes down, unsure about how to behave now but with a soft ‘Hmh?’ I let him look up again.

“F-Fine…it was…fine…”

“Glad to hear this”, I smiled and leaned back again.

It was like we had to start at zero again but this time I was eager to build up a relationship which consisted of more than ‘Shut up!’ and ‘Fuck off!’.
Straight from the beginning.
Some little bug must have wandered into Sanzo’s room during the night.

Of course it was sad enough that I had needed to hurt him in order to start a new way of living together with him, it was absolutely despicable how I had acted but it was irreversible, I could just take over responsibility for this and give my best to make him healthy and sane again.
I took his hand which had been lying on the table, held it in front of my mouth and gently kissed it. I wanted him to get to know the difference between what had happened some days ago and what was happening now, how differently love could feel.

With a shy sound he tried to pull back his hand but I gripped it more tightly and held it in front of my face to snuggle up to his skin then.
I didn’t dare to look at Hakkai how he was looking because he surely would have destroyed my concept and drained my courage for this all which should follow.
It wasn’t like I was used to this…

But this was wrong. First I raped him and then I thought I could shove that memory so easily into oblivion by smiling at him and touching him? This was even worse than not doing anything…I quickly let go of his hand and stared at my coffee then.

And what should remain the most beautiful surprise in my life, the most valuable experience in my whole poor existence was his hand touching mine on the table then. He carefully rubbed his thumb against my skin, nearly of the same warmth as mine, with so thin and delicate pale fingers and still a determination that it let me forget about everything else I had believed in up to now.
How could he act so self-confidently when he had looked like a wandering corpse not so much time ago…or did he act out of fear?

A look at his eyes affirmed me that none of these two assumptions was right. It struck me so hard that I forgot to breathe for a moment, a sudden wave of unbearable heat and nothing floated through me from my crotch up to my head and left me staring at him in bafflement.
I wasn’t worth this emotion, less his look which accompanied it.

Those soft eyes…like the day I had come down the stairs, swiftly glanced at him and he had glanced back in mutual agreement, I somehow had managed to revive that look. In such a rotten situation. For such an asshole like me…
I cast my eyes down and smiled.

Maybe this was the point zero from which we could start again. Maybe this was the point where everything was to change and nothing to continue in these ways like before.
This was the point of no return because it had got impossible to return. There was nothing but emptiness and darkness lying behind you and just hope and an unformed shape waiting for you in front of you.

I sighed and while closing my eyes I put my hand on the back of his head and pulled him closer. Slowly, moments keeping me from falling, giving in, accepting…feeling again…loving again…or loving for the first time…
Our lips met, carefully and shyly, Sanzo’s as careful as mine but when I pressed mine against his he opened his mouth to let me in.

Sanzo let me get in and guide him, he let me stick my tongue into his mouth to explore it, he held still to let me move my head and lips in the way I wanted and intended to and he didn’t jerk away or refused my touch when I added another hand to his body.

And I was so glad that he permitted me to do that. That hate, that so deeply rooted hate and distaste had changed and turned into sympathy and care. Because now I did care what happened to him, I cared about him, what he was feeling and what he was thinking and I was concerned about him.
Some other people would have told me to go and see a psychiatrist. And some other people would have told Sanzo to go and see a psychiatrist as well.

Maybe we could heal each other, make the other whole again by our own faults and mistakes. Let the other enjoy your misery and pain and console him.
I knew that I had committed a crime, a sin which wasn’t to be ever forgiven on this earth. I could just beg him to accept me again, take me with what I had done to him and hope for a new beginning.

Suddenly it was Sanzo consoling me and giving me shelter…suddenly it was the beauty I had kicked and hit which soothed my hurting skin and aching head. That broken soul had risen, for my sake, to try to get healthy and take me with him by that. Weird how quickly that cruelty could turn into such affection, weird how odd the limits and borders between insanity and sanity were…funny how inseparable these two were.

Because only with these two combined one was able to exist.
And from this time on something like that incident would never happen again, we’d know how much of sanity and insanity to keep in order to survive.

Sanzo drew back from the kiss first. He stared at me with uncertain and still fearful eyes but not as bad as yesterday anymore. He’d need some time and I as well. To make up our minds and decide on how to continue. But currently Sanzo had saved me, he had sealed up my healthy part of insanity and stabilized my healthy sanity again.
And I just hoped I had helped him as well, no matter with what or how, the main point was that he felt better.

“Sanzo, I’m sorry. You may not want to hear this, I beg you to listen to me even if it still hurts but…words are nearly too trivial than to be used for that apology… It’s something so subtle I can’t even express it with words, I hope you just know how awfully sorry I feel for what I have dared to do to you. I hope you are alright behind that mask you’ve…chosen to wear now, I really hope you are already feeling a bit better than yesterday because…believe me, I really don’t want to see you so broken and hurt like that for a second time.

I know very well that this was my and only my own fault, I take all the responsibility for what has happened. This means that I’m fully conscious of what I have done and what has happened and I’m not lying to you when I tell you that I nearly feel as bad as you’re feeling. Maybe it sounds assuming but I just feel like shit. Like the dirt which you used to call the place which suited me best. Believe me, I really don’t care if you start cursing and insulting me, I’d be happy to see you doing this because then I’d be assured that you already feel slightly normal again. Please, if you would-”

I couldn’t carry on, he was smiling at me so desperately and honestly that the words got stuck in my throat.
This was nothing which could be cured. Which ever could be cured.
Even if he smiled at me so honestly now, showing me that love which he had saved from that hate and disgust, the love which had developed during my hate and madness, even if he should really love me or like me more than before it would be there.

That desperate smile just affirmed me that I had broken and shattered him. That I had destroyed and killed him. And that there was only an empty shell left, containing nothing but pain.

What I had left wasn’t Sanzo anymore. What I had left was a corpse. Dead on the inside and maybe somehow still looking alive on the outside. For whatever reason.

I stared down at my cup, conscience-stricken. And currently I doubted that he’d get back to normal. When I felt his hand softly stroking over mine I drew back, finally took the cup and took the stairs up to my room. I should have had to stand that, to bear what came along with his touch but I felt like not even being worth that.
Up there I put down the cup and lay down on the bed, Hakkai surely would tell me when we’d leave.


But he didn’t. I had been lying there for the whole day until dusk, then I got suspicious. I was up on my feet and the next moment down in the tavern where I found Hakkai sitting at a table, drinking tea in loneliness. I joined him there and he lifted his head.

“How long are we going to stay in there?”

“Relative to the weather, until it gets better.”, he said sadly.

I looked up, straightened my back to peer out into the darkness through the window. It had really started to rain…I hadn’t even noticed.

“And until he gets better. We can’t push him forward like that and in the end it’s still our fault.”

“Right”

We sat there in silence until a waitress asked me what I’d like to drink and I ordered something. This was something we had never experienced, such a high grade of…despondence, sadness and regret...not even when Sanzo had been attacked so badly by that Kami-sama we had felt so shitty. Or was it just me, I didn’t know what Hakkai felt. But from the way he stirred his tea and let it get cold he must have thought the same thoughts.

We kept sitting there for the evening and I think I even fell asleep on that table.


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