Wishful Thinking

Note: This was the first yaoi I ever wrote, so I apologize ahead of time if its not all that good. I still hope you enjoy it!

Wishful Thinking


Tall, thin, white-haired, callous Kaworu Nagisa peered over the top of his magazine at his room-mate Shinji Ikari, but the quiet, black-haired boy simply sat with his legs pulled up, chin resting on his knees, staring into space. Watching Shinji not move for a moment, Kaworu sighed heavily, making sure Shinji-even in his trance like state-heard it and clearly understood it: Humans are so pathetic.

Shinji's eyes flickered in anger at the boy, but he still did not move. "How can you act like that?" he asked quietly.

"I am not acting," Kaworu said, brushing a white bang from his dark eyes, looking at Shinji curiously.

"But how can you not care?" asked Shinji, his hand curling into a fist to supress his resentment. Kaworu sighed quietly and put down his magazine. "I did not know the First nor the Second Child very well, so their absence does not have any effect on me." Besides, its not that I do not care about their well-being, its just I don't know how to, he thought.

Kaworu did care about someone-sort of. During a previous battle with an Angel, the will of the First Child, Rei, had flown into Kaworu-including her feelings for Shinji. Rei had died, and the Second Child Asuka was in a coma; both had been close to Shinji, so both of their losses were hitting him excaptionally hard. So Kaworu was forced to harbor the strange emotions dancing through his body, his own loneliness and Rei's blossoming love combining into a powerful yearning with one major problem: Shinji hated his guts. He hoped that one day he could talk to Shinji without recieving an angry glare, touch him without resentment, or even kiss him without rage. Of course, this was all wishful thinking.

"How can anyone be so heartless?" asked Shinji, more to himself than to Kaworu. His fist clenched even tighter as he hid his face in the crook of his arm. After a moment, Kaworu saw his whole body shaking with either supressed rage or uncontrollable sobs.

"If the First or Second Child saw you behaving like this, they'd probably be ashamed," Kaworu said callously. "However, they might like the fact that you were worried about their well-being so much. Humans seem to enjoy sympathy."

Shinji's body stopped shaking, but he did not move for a few minutes. Getting himself together, Kaworu figured. "I'm tired," Shinji yawned, and attempted to stand and stretch but instead collapsed on the floor.

"Shinji-kun!" Kaworu said in surprise before scrambling off the bed and kneeling at his side. Shinji was unconscious; days without eating nor sleeping had taken its toll on him, and he was exhausted both mentally and physically.

"You idiot!" mumbled Kaworu, running a hand through his hair. "Did you really think you could not eat, not sleep, and still function normally?" He looked down at Shinji, not sure what to do. Well, I can't leave him on the floor, can I? Kaworu took a breath and with slightly shaking arms (for he was slightly nervous about touching Shinji-kun-last time he'd helped him, Shinji had become really angry and violent about it) scooped up the boy and gently laid him on the bed. Looking down at the unconscious boy, Kaworu couldn't help but stroke the jet-black hair. It was soft and thick, and he couldn't stop running his fingers through it. After several minutes, he was able to pull his fingers away with a sad sigh.

Deciding that Shinji did not need a doctor but some bed rest, and since he couldn't lay down, Kaworu decided to pull up a chair beside the bed and sleep in it, that way he could keep an eye on Shinji but not be touching him, in case the boy woke up. He sait down and watched the other's chest rise up and fall in gentle sleep before drifting off himself.

~~~~~~~~~

The sounds of ragged, labored breathing jarred Kaworu awake. He jumped up, and thought Crap! Shinji was having a panic attack, and now so was Kaworu because he didn't know what to do. I have to control Shinji's breathing, but how? he thought. After a few seconds, he suddenly had an idea. Perched on the end of the bed, Kaworu gently turned Shinji's head towards him, leaned down, and placed his lips on Shinji's.

He breathed through his mouth, forcing air into Shinji's mouth and forcing his lungs to slow down. It took a moment, but suddenly they were breathing together, the steady rise and fall of their chests simultaniuous. For Kaworu, he was in both heaven and hell; heaven because he was kissing Shinji, being skin-to-skin contact with him. Hell because it seemed like he was taking advantage of the boy, even though he was trying to help).

Even though waking Shinji like this was the last thing he wanted to do, he was unable to break apart, and continued to kiss him, stroking his face gently. He realized that Shinji's breathing shallowed slighty, and pulled away from the boy as though eletrocuted, just seconds before those dark eyes opened in confusion.

"Your breathing's under control now," Kaworu said, grinning slightly.

Shinji simply looked at him, knowing what he had woken up too, but not quite believing it. "Were....were you kissing me?"

"You weren't breathing," said Kaworu a little defensively.

"But....why were....oh, gross!" Shinji cried, jumping off the bed and wiping his lips on his shirt, panic clouding his eyes.

"Ikari-kun..." Kaworu started, but Shinji whipped around, panic replaced than anger.

"Don't talk to me, or come near me again, Kaworu!"

Kaworu gave him an odd look. "So what should I do if you stop breathing again?"

"Let me die!" Shinji shot back. Kaworu looked like he had been slapped.

"Ikari-kun, why do you hate me so much?" he asked quietly.

This seemed to throw the boy. "What? You're weird! Guys...guys don't....don't touch or....of k-kiss other guys!" Shinji cried. Kaworu hadn't known him long, but he did know Shinji never stuttered when he was angry. When he was panicked, however...

"Shinji-kun, did you like me kissing you?" Kaworu shot, daring Shinji to answer. The boy stopped moving for a moment, panic freezing him, then anger melting him just as quickly.

"Kaworu, you're sick! I-I can't believe you just asked me that...."

The white-haired boy had had enough. He had been standing up since Shinji had awoken, arms akimbo, but now he strode across the small room with two strides, coming right up to Shinji.

"I'm talking to you, and I'm near you, Shinji-Kun," he growled. He lowered his head slightly so they could see eye-to-eye. "What are you going to do?" he asked Shinji, the boy's eyes wide and fearful.

"Kaworu-" Shinji started, but his sentence died as Kaworu lowered his lips onto his. The white-haired boy knew he wouldn't be able to plead his case, so he filled the kiss with all of his and Rei's feelings. He was tired of harboring the feelings alone, so in this do-or-die moment, he decided to show Shinji just what he felt.

He wrapped his arms around Shinji's small frame as he gently forced his tongue into Shinji's mouth. He pushed his body against the boy's, and found that he wasn't struggling at all. Kaworu broke apart and looked at Shinji, eyes penetrating.

"I want a simple answer, Shinji-kun. Do you like me kissing you? I don't care what you say, but I want an answer."

Shinji looked up at Kaworu, his hair ruffled, his eyes dancing with panic, confusion, even resentment. After a moment, he turned away his head, not saying anything. It was quiet enough to hear something break quietly.

Kaworu let go of Shinji, sighing deeply, a sad sound filled with pain and despair. "I understand. You don't have to worry about me talking to or coming near you again, Shinji. I'll understand if you want to leave." He turned, strode to the bed, and laid down, not facing Shinji, closing his eyes tight and hoping he could hold in the tears until Shinji left the room.

It was quiet for several minutes, and Kaworu was about to tell Shinji to get out when the edge of the bed sank down as he sat. Shinji didn't say anything, but laid down beside him, still able to not touch him despite the cramped quarters, and stared at the ceiling with hands behind his head.

"I don't hate you, Kaworu-kun," Shinji said, talking to him yet at the same time pretending he wasn't there. "Usually you're a cold-hearted, callous smartass that gets on everyone's nerves a lot of the time, but I don't hate you."

Kaworu didn't move nor say anything, so Shinji continued. "I'm sorry, I panicked earlier, you scared me, that's all. I...I didn't know you felt like that."

Kaworu rolled over, looking at Shinji suspiciously. "So, what are you saying, Shinji-kun?" Did he have any hope left to hope with?

Shinji turned and looked at him, then cracked a small smile. "I'm saying that I don't think I'll be moving out anything soon."

"W-what?!" Kaworu said, sitting up and looking at the boy, surprise and joy on his face.

"Well," Shinji said, turning away, ears turning red. "I can either go back to my old house with Misato and be a burden, or I could stay here with someone who actually likes me," he confessed, feeling a bit selfish, but Kaworu was delighted.

"Damn right I do," he said, his heart thumping happily. He lowered his head and kissed Shinji; this time the boy responded by caressing Kaworu's tongue with his own. They broke apart and Kaworu wrapped an arm around Shinji, pulling his close. Shinji curled up against Kaworu, allowing him to bury his face into the black hair, inhaling his scent. As they lay there, Kaworu couldn't stop smiling; his wishful thinking was coming true, and he couldn't be happier.