Finally

FINALLY

I’ve always been good at slipping into my thoughts. I can do it whenever I want to, but mostly I do it when I don’t even realize. For the past three years I’ve had this bittersweet habit of slipping into my mind and thinking of her even if I don’t want to. I keep returning to the place in my head where she never was my teacher, and we met in another way. Perhaps she lived right next to my house, or went to the same library as I do. Perhaps we just randomly met on the street and fell in love. And then I always flinch out of my thoughts and return to the reality.

Kumiko. I’ve been her friend for a couple of years now, it’s for the best this way. At least for now. Somehow I succeeded in sneaking myself into her life, just by being there. After graduation I told her I was going away, and as is her job, she encouraged me, but I just couldn’t leave after all. I stayed by her, laughed with her, comforted her when her heart got broken (again), just was there. Now she sees me not as an ex-student, but some kind of a mixture of a friend and a little brother. I hate it. And I still do nothing. Now is not the time.

She sits at the window, reading class reports and re-checks them for the umptieth time. I wonder if she’s always been this thorough. There’s a little smile on her lips now, I wonder what she’s reading. Another smartmouth making a joke of his future? Usually she gets furious about those, so I guess not.

“What’s that you’re reading?” I ask. She looks up and at me through her ridiculously out-of-time glasses. I’ve always thought that she looks much better without them, but then again, she can be pretty with them. Or is it her smile that makes her so damn cute?

“Another student has decided on studying to be a homeroom teacher”, Kumiko answers with stars in her eyes, a sign of nostalgia. “That makes three, now. I wonder if that’s because of my exceptional teaching?”

“Another victim, then. Poor kid.”

She throws a pillow at me. I salvage my eyes by raising my hand to shove the pillow away and laugh a bit throatily. She returns to her papers and I can’t but marvel at how pretty she is, just sitting there with a smile on her concentrated face. She’s most definitely not the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but she’s been the only woman I care about for a log time now. I guess that’s adulthood for you.

* * *

Sawada’s still here. I don’t mind him staying so late, I like his company. With Sawada there’s never need of forced conversation or small talk. We can just sit and enjoy the silence together. He’s always been like this, ever since I met him three years ago. He was my student, a clumsy, silent and arrogant teen, whom I somehow lured out of his shell by the end of the school year. I still wonder, though. He seems like he has something he wants to say, a secret he doesn’t want to be revealed yet. I won’t pressure him, though. I’m sure he will tell me when it’s time.

“Yankumi?” He calls me by my nickname from school, I’m pretty sure he came up with it to begin with. “It’s getting kinda late, I think I should go soon.”

“If you think so. See you tomorrow?”

“I guess. Good night.” He gets up and is about to leave, then he stays still and has that secret in his eyes again. He seems to be thinking of something. Poor thing. Just like he was back in high school.

“Sawada? What’s wrong?” I ask, not too inquisitive, just enough to prompt him.

“Yan… Kumiko?” I have to blink my eyes on that one. Wow, that’s a first. “Do you… have someone special in your life right now?”

* * *

I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s like self-torture. Perhaps I have natural inclinations towards masochism? She looks at me, dumbfounded.

“What? Why do you ask that so suddenly?”

“I just… Never mind.” I collect my bag a little too hastily to be exactly natural, but a familiar fire has lit up in her deer-like eyes. She gets up gasping for breath theatrically.

“Sawada… Could it be…” She comes very near to my face and peers like a hawk to my eyes. For a moment I think, stupidly, that she has finally realised, but no such luck. With these things, she’s just about as smart as a kid falling for a rock star poster and never finding out about the feelings of the boy next door. Her face lights up suddenly, as I try to look away from her, not accepting my role as the boy next door. “It can’t be… Sawada, do you have someone?”

I won’t answer that as I’m afraid of letting it all come out if I start now. She misinterprets my silence, as usual, and starts to giggle. “You do have someone!” she screams and punches my arm. Ow. “Who is it? Someone I know?”

“Stop it. There’s no one.”

“There is, there is! You can’t fool me, you little rascal!” She attacks my hair with a ruffling before I know it, and I try to duck just so that she would continue a bit. “Who is she? Who is she?”

“Stop that, I’m not a dog! I’m telling you, there’s no one!”

“You liar! Tell me, tell me!”

“I won’t!”

“Aww, come on! Tell me already!”

“I keep telling you, there’s – “

The game has gone a bit too far. I keep dodging her hand as they try to destroy every bit of order in my hair, which incidentally is basically the only thing I’m ever vain about, and we become like little kids harassing each other, rumbling about her little room, where there’s hardly enough room to walk in properly, let alone escape someone while twisting and turning. She’s always so close, I have to be careful with my hands not to touch her and spoil everything. The room is, however, so damn crowded, that I inescapably hit my foot somewhere and lose my balance. Very non-gallantly I fall spread-eagled onto the floor and almost hit my nose. What surprises me even more was her body falling on mine just seconds after. I freeze for a moment. Oh shit.

“Sorry, I lost my footing”, she says and giggles. “But this is very surprising, Sawada. Since when have you been in love like this?”

My mind is jammed like someone had stuck a piece of gum to a clockwork. I can feel her body on my back, especially her little round… Stop it, Shin, you shithead, you’re going to spoil it all –

“What?” I can feel her body shift upwards against my skin, so that she can reach my ear. “Since when don’t you trust me?”

“I do trust you! Get off me…”

“Not until you tell me the truth.”

My breathing is getting heavy. I’m so screwed. My body’s reacting, thank Kami I’m facing the floor. I guess there’s no other way.

“OK.”

* * *

Sawada’s face is a bit depressed, like always when I force him to share something important. I lie on top of him easily, my hands on the floor next to his young body, and try to stare him intently. “That’s better, now. Who is it?”

“Someone… very important to me.”

“Good, good, confession at last. Has this been going on for long?”

“I’ve loved her for three years now.”

“What? That long? And I never realised!” He grunts as if to give out a bitter laugh. I lift my other hand to press his back firmly to the ground, and he grunts again, this time out of pain, although I’m very careful not to hurt him, just keep him under control. “What about her? Are you two dating?”

“She…”

“Speak up!”

“She thinks of me as a… friend. A brother, I guess.”

“Have you told her how you feel?”

“No, I’m not suicidal, you know.”

“Baka.” I give him another nudge, and he moans. “You should tell her how you feel, otherwise nothing will change, and she will always see you as a friend. You’re not giving any credit to your own feelings. You must fight for your love!”

“Are you kidding? She’ll make sushi out of me.”

“What? What kind of a girl is she, anyway? A violent control freak?”

“You could say that…”

“Nonsense. It’s every girl’s dream, having a guy confessing to her. Just out of the blue, with words right out of the heart and sincere eyes – “

“Shut up!” He throws me from his back, which I allow, surprised by his reaction. He seems to be struggling with more than he bargained for. I sit behind him, concerned, as he doesn’t even try to get up from the floor, only hiding his face behind that long hair of his.

“What if there’s no chance for us?” he said quietly. “What if there’s something between us that is stronger than love and will to be together?”

“Sawada…” I whisper quietly. “There’s no stronger force than love.”

“You really think so?”

“Yes.”

“So you think that I should tell her?”

“Yes.”

“Fine then.” He starts to get up, very slowly. I realize that my heart is racing for some reason. I suddenly become very aware of the fact that I’m alone in my room with a young, strong man, and not a student. He turns his head and looks at me, and the look in his eyes ties a knot in my stomach. I don’t like the way this is going. Not at all.

“Sawada?”

“Kumiko…” His voice is low, very masculine. Or has it always been that way? I can’t think straight for some reason. “You said that I should tell her. You said that yourself.”

“Yes…”

“What if I already told her?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if I told her just now, as I was lying under her? What if I’m looking at her right now?”

“Sawada…” I gulp before I continue. “Are you saying that you – “

“I love you, Kumiko.” He says it with ease, with a hint of sadness. “I love you. Now, can you please kick me in the balls so I can go and lick my wounds?”

“But… You’re my –“

“Student, and don’t I know it.” He looks away. “Even though I’ve graduated two years ago. It’s your pride as a teacher that’s kept me silent for these years, ‘cause I knew that you’d never even consider me.”

I couldn’t answer him. I realised that I still felt his warmth on my front body, it sort of pressed against me even now. A ghost of Sawada was still on my body. I saw everything differently now, and the more I saw, the more I became disgusted with myself. How I didn’t notice, how every little thing I did was tainted now with cruelty towards Sawada. He was right. He’s not my student anymore. He’s a man, a young and grown man, and not a kid. Somehow I missed that. I’m the worst. Really the worst of the worst.

* * *

Her eyes are starting to glint in a way I haven’t seen before. It’s not love, I’ve seen her all dreamy over some guy or other. It looks more like… horror. Oh Kami, I really screwed up royally. Still I don’t really feel that bad. The cat’s out of the bag now, and that’s that. Now I have to decide how to handle this.

“Kumiko?” I ask. “Say something, you’re freaking me out.”

“Mmm…” Just mumbling. For a second I think that she’s lost it. That’ll be a fine love story, I drive her mad and her cronies outside will have my testicles as a door knocker. If I was sane, I’d get out now, but since when is love and sanity a mix? I have to do something, anything.

“Listen… I really don’t expect anything from you. I just… Well, you kinda twisted my hand here, and…” Suddenly I realize what to do. Straight from the heart, with sincerity, as she told me. I heave a deep sigh and start.

“I love you. I’m the happiest man alive when I see you smile. I want to protect you from anyone that would hurt you and make you cry. I’m fine with being your friend, but… If you could ever…”

“Shin.”

Her voice gags me. That’s the first time she’s called me by my first name. It makes me want to touch her, to stand up right now and feel her near me. My body’s reacting again. I have to control myself, not to scare her. Her eyes are sombre now.

“Shin, I’m… sorry.”

Oh shit. Here it comes, the let’s-just-be-friends-talk. I have to stop her, before –

“I never realised. I must have hurt you badly. I’m sorry.”

That wasn’t a refusal, was it? I gulp silently. I never considered that kind of reply. Does that mean, that there might be a slight possibility that… My breathing becomes somehow a complicated task. I could. I really could. Slowly I start to crawl on my knees and hands towards her, as if advancing on a possibly dangerous animal. Actually, that applies more than well to this situation, I’ve been on the receiving end of her Whip of love, as she calls it. She blinks.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m coming closer. Does that bother you?”

“No. I guess not.”

“Good.” I stop right in front of her and sit down on my legs. I don’t remember ever being this close to her. Or is it that I’ve never been in this situation in her eyes? She’s eyeing me with a curious expression that’s making even me feel different around her. Somehow… more mature? I raise my hand very carefully and brush her beautiful black hair as I take a hold of her glasses and pull them off. She doesn’t say anything, but I’m almost sure she gasped a little when I did this.

“I’ve always loved your eyes”, I say softly, as I place the glasses carefully on the floor beside us. “I don’t know why you want to hide them.”

“It’s not just for show, you know, I actually need them.”

“I know.” I’m smiling now. “I know everything about you.” She blinks. Her lips part most invitingly. I can resist for exactly one second, before I start to lean in.

* * *

His kiss is soft, careful. There’s a buzzing in my ears. Without thinking, I answer his kiss gently. How unexpected. It’s like everything makes sense now. Of course he loves me, of course we’re kissing, it’s only natural for… lovers? What a curious thought. Sawada… Shin is kissing me, loving me. How… brilliant.

His breath is heavy as he moves a little closer. My hand rises to his chest like it had a mind of its own. Our tongues touch, and a new feeling soars through my body like a lightning. That’s right. Not a student anymore, not a kid anymore. A friend, a man, a lover. Yes. It all makes sense now. Slowly we embrace each other, as the kiss develops into a more demanding one, a hungrier one. Then I lose my nerve and brake out.

“Shin… Not like this…”

“Kumiko, look at me.”

I do so. Shin’s face is calm, smiling. His hand is caressing my cheek, and by that touch, every single doubt I had melts away. “I love you”, he says in a tone of voice that leaves no doubt of the truthfulness of the words. I can’t help but smile. Perhaps I will find the courage to love him as well, if he helps me a little.

“OK.”

He leans in and kisses me again. Just when I’m about to be swept away, I suddenly remember something and hit him on the head. “What do you mean, a violent control freak??”

Shin looks at me, stunned, then giggles. “Your words, not mine.”

“You delinquent! I’m going to get you for that!” He giggles again, as the Whip of love lashes out for the second, and not the last, time.

***
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