Here and Now
Here and Now
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XXXHolic fic ever. Be kind and R&R!
They aren’t mine.
and Now
checked the contents of his bag one last time. He was to make a presentation in
a class today so he had to make sure that he brought all the necessary books
and material. His schedule wasn’t as tight today since he wouldn’t have an
archery practice but he would have to run an errand for Yuuko after his
classes. The woman had asked him to buy necessary ingredients for today’s meal
without specifying what she would like to have. He knew it meant that she
entrusted the menu to Doumeki’s taste and hitsuzen,
something he had started to accept as a part of his new daily life. Doumeki
started to plan his schedule as he quietly prepared his leave.
movements ceased when he heard the sound of cloth rustling from the bed.
Doumeki watched the stirring figure in both wariness and expectancy disguised
as calm indifference. The sight was familiar to him as was the pain that
accompanied it. Eyelids slowly opened to reveal bicolor orbs. Those pair of
eyes would stare at the ceiling for a while. The mind hadn’t fully awakened and
grasped the situation yet then. The eyelids closed again for a fraction of
second and then he sat up suddenly, looking around the room in something akin
to panic. He glared daggers at Doumeki when he saw his unclear figure standing
nearby.
am I?!” He demanded angrily. “Who are you?!”
swallowed the painful lump that formed in his throat and calmly approach the
youth on the bed. “Shizuka ni.” He said quietly.
are you, bastard? What do you…”Watanuki raised a hand perhaps to push Doumeki
away but the taller youth caught it first and held it close to his chest.”Let
me go! Let me go, you bastard!” he yelled, trying to pull his hand from
Doumeki’s strong grip. He raised his other hand to strike Doumeki but he once
again caught it. “Let me go, bastard! Let me –oof…”
enough of the struggle, Doumeki pushed Watanuki down until he lay down once
again on the bed. “If you want answer, listen to me.” He said quietly, ignoring
the stirring that was only the natural reaction from their proximity.
tantrum subsided but he still glared at the person on top of him in suspicion
like the first time they met years ago. Doumeki suppressed the urge to sigh and
slowly released Watanuki’s hands. He ran his fingers on the slender wrist
briefly. A spark of hope appeared when the bicolor eyes lit up in surprise in
surprise and confusion but he quickly quenched it down. He removed himself from
Watanuki to sit on the edge of the bed, allowing Watanuki to do the same.
Doumeki Shizuka. This is Ichihara Yuuko’s store where we both work.” Doumeki
explained. He watched the display of emotion on Watanuki’s expressive face,
hoping to find a hint of recognition but much to his sadness and
disappointment, found none.
work here? Why can’t I… Why can’t I remember anything?” Watanuki asked the last
part quietly to himself. Fear started to creep into his eyes as he realized his
predicament. “Why can’t I remember anything?”
got an accident.” Doumeki lied smoothly, ignoring the jab of pain in his chest.
It was a practiced lie and though Watanuki deserved nothing less than the
truth, Doumeki couldn’t bring himself to give him that. Watanuki had dealt with
the other world enough, he had given up more than
enough for his accursed gift. Doumeki didn’t want Watanuki to concern himself
with those things anymore. They didn’t need more of that pain. Watanuki didn’t
need more of that pain.
accident.” Watanuki echoed blankly, trying to see
if it brought back memory. Doumeki read suspicion and resignation in his eyes
and had to bit his tongue to not tell the truth. “When was this?”
years ago.” At Watanuki’s questioning gaze, he continued. “Your memory was
severely damaged. You couldn’t remember anything anymore.”
Watanuki said a long pause. He closed his eyes again and Doumeki knew exactly
what he was thinking: he was a man without a past and a future, where was he to
go to? Alone. Lost and alone.
Doumeki longed to gather the slim body into his arms but knew the gesture
wouldn’t be appreciated. He clenched his hands into fists and held back. Not
now. Not like this. “Who are you?” Watanuki asked, opening his eyes to look at
Doumeki intently. “Who are you to me?”
your friend.” Doumeki answered despite the painful clenching of his heart.
the lie in the pain in his voice, Watanuki seemed unconvinced.
nodded. “Aa.”
why are we wearing the same ring?” Watanuki asked, looking pointedly at the
ring that hung on a necklace around Doumeki’s neck and then on its twin on his
right ring finger.
do you think we are?” Doumeki asked calmly, standing up. Doumeki’s ring had
slipped out of his shirt during the struggle earlier. He didn’t usually reveal
himself so quickly. Watanuki was naturally skittish around strangers and even
more so around him. He rarely took the knowledge of the true nature of their
relationship very well, unless on particularly good days that came rarely.
Doumeki learned to get used to being a stranger, learned to adapt to his new
role as a ‘friend’, learned to accept the pain. It was for Watanuki.
asked you first!” Watanuki yelled in annoyance. “Hey, listen to people when
they’re talking to you!” He said loudly when Doumeki walked out of the room. He
grabbed the glasses he found on the nightstand near the bed and quickly
followed Doumeki, still shouting angry remarks and insults.
walked slowly so that Watanuki could follow him. He intended to show Watanuki
the house. Yuuko’s traditional compound was a labyrinth that one could easily
be lost in. It took him a while to map it in his mind and with Watanuki’s
avoided Yuuko’s living quarter and the curious shadows of the rest of the members
of the household. Doumeki knew they were watching, anticipating, preparing the
lies. Watanuki didn’t need to know their secrets, the past they shared. He
didn’t need to go back to that life. This moment was all he had. This moment
was all he needed to know.
was ranting about Doumeki’s poor manner when the latter made a sudden stop,
causing Watanuki to crash against him and cursed. “There’s the bathroom. I’ll
show you the dining room when you’re done.” Doumeki said, gesturing toward a
door.
opened the door cautiously, untrusting of the stranger’s information. When it
proved to not be some form of harmful trap, he relaxed a little. Clearly he was
still doubtful of Doumeki’s intentions. Doumeki turned away to hide the pain,
knowing it’s best if Watanuki didn’t know. But just as he was about to leave, Watanuki
called for him.
you… my boyfriend?” Watanuki asked, not facing him. His shoulders were tense in
dread and anticipation as he waited for the answer.
what if I was?” Doumeki asked carefully, not giving
away even the slightest bit of hopefulness in his voice.
did I go out with a jerk like you?” Watanuki asked angrily, glaring at the
taller youth as if it were Doumeki’s fault. “I don’t even like you!”
I like you.”
started to stammer as his face turned red in both embarrassment and anger.
“What… Why… What… You can’t like me! I’m… You’re… You can’t like me!”
other time Doumeki might find Watanuki’s tantrums childish or amusing but he
wasn’t in the mood today. He was tired. He was angry. He longed for Watanuki. He
grasped Watanuki’s wrist and pulled him into a demanding kiss. A shocked gasp
gave him an entry into the warm cavern. Doumeki closed his eyes as he savored
the taste he had missed so much. His body stirred to awareness when Watanuki
moaned softly and clung to his shirt. He broke the kiss with much regret when
he felt need radiated from Watanuki’s body. He couldn’t do it like this.
dazed look on Watanuki’s face made it hard for him to resist the temptation and
wait. His eyes strayed to the slightly parted puffy lips but he quickly turned
them elsewhere. “Don’t try to reason out my feelings.” Doumeki released his
grip on Watanuki and walked away, ignoring the burning desire to embrace the
other youth. This wasn’t how it’s supposed to be.
smiled fondly as he watched Maru and Moro played with the sprinkler in the
yard. The strange twin were very adorable and yet annoying at the same time.
The way they kept repeating words was driving him mad yet the childish
curiosity cool his growing annoyance. Watanuki resolved to not think much of
it. They were only kids after all.
soo hot… I’m melting…”
regarded the woman sprawled on an antique chair beside him with cautious
curiosity. There was something about the beautiful lady that made him uneasy.
Maybe it’s the all-knowing look in those red orbs and the twist of her painted
lips into a smirk that made him uncomfortable. He was told that he had been
working for her for years now and despite his unease, he felt that he could
count on the beautiful lady. He felt that she meant him no harm despite her
occasional mischief. Just like Doumeki, she cared for him and his well being,
though erhaps with different kind of nature.
know! Why don’t we have a party?” Yuuko-san said, clapping her hands in glee.
“What about cold sake and
It’s only midday!” Watanuki protested. “And you’ve had sake for breakfast and
snack!” He said, ignoring the happy chorus of ‘Party time! Party
time!’ behind him.
now, we should celebrate such fine season, shouldn’t we?” Yuuko said, wiggling
her forefinger at Watanuki.
said that when you asked me to make you snack an hour ago! And
beside… I don’t know how to make it.”
singsong voices died down. Watanuki removed his gaze from the floor to meet
Yuuko’s somber ones. He thought he saw apology in Yuuko’s eyes but wasn’t too
sure. She was difficult to read. Layers of secret lay hidden inside her and
Watanuki wondered if there was any about him. “Maru, Moro, help Watanuki to
make zaru soba for us!”
opened his mouth to protest but Maru and Moro were already pushing him away to
the kitchen. He threw an annoyed look at Yuuko who merely smiled at him while
petting the strange doll she always carried. Cursing loudly all the while, he
set to make Yuuko’s orders.
‘helping Watanuki’ meant constantly repeating Yuuko’s orders. Watanuki began to
work while muttering curses about alcoholics and gluttons and unreasonable
employers. How did he fit into the job anyway? He’s amnesiac; barely able to
recognize himself, let alone performing tasks that would require practice. Not
to mention that his body wasn’t functioning properly either. He often had blank
moments where he briefly slipped into consciousness. Perhaps he should be
grateful that Yuuko was willing to employ him and let him live here for free
but he still thought that he would be better doing simpler chores –thank gods,
the snacks that Yuuko had demanded thus far were already prepared in the
refrigerator. Heavy duties and complicated ones could be left to Doumeki. After
all he was the healthy one around here! He certainly looked like he’s used to
hard work; his lean body hid surprising strength as Watanuki discovered earlier
when they…
am I thinking about him?” Watanuki shouted to no one in particular. Maru and
Moro giggled behind him, whispering about how funny he was acting. “I don’t
care about that jerk. I have to finish…” He faltered as he stared at sight in
front of him. His right hand was holding chopsticks as he placed
“How the…”
Hurry! Mistress is waiting!” Maru and Moro reminded him with their cheerful
voices.
confused, Watanuki finished his task and took a tray containing two bowls of
Yuuko didn’t seem to notice Watanuki’s puzzled expression as she began to
devour the meal hungrily.
you could do it after all!”
I didn’t know how I did it. Suddenly it was finished!”
paused eating long enough to smile at him mysteriously. “Sometimes the mind
forgets but the body remembers.” She waited until the words sank into Watanuki
before continuing, her smile now turning mischievous. “I’m sure you’ve learned
that this morning.”
began to stammer, his face flushing scarlet as he glared impotently at the
woman. “What? Nothing happened this morning!” He denied loudly. But Yuuko kept
giving him a knowing smile and after throwing a tantrum for a while, he finally
gave up. “… was he really my boyfriend?” he asked
slowly, eyes locked to the floor as if by doing that he could deny the reality.
put down her empty cup and regarded her employee somberly. “He is your lover.”
He was not blind. He knew that Doumeki was good-looking. He probably had many
female admirers who would gladly be his girlfriend. Watanuki was no one, just a
boy with no memory, no skill, no past, nothing. Why did Doumeki choose him? Why
would Doumeki want him?
loves you.” Yuuko answered with a wise smile. “He never stops. He does many
things for your sake; taking care of you, moving out of his family house,
working for me…”
shook his head. “He shouldn’t have. I can make it on my own.” He said, bowing
his head lower to hide his emotion.
he wants to. He loves you.”
I love him?” Watanuki asked quietly. When Yuuko failed to answer him for a long
time, he looked up. “Yuuko-san?” But the woman wasn’t
looking at him. Watanuki followed her line of sight, wondering what had
captured her attention. His eyes widened when he saw Doumeki standing by the
door leading to the porch.
surrounded Watanuki and Doumeki all evening. The tall youth had said nothing
about what Watanuki said to Yuuko earlier but Watanuki could somehow tell that
it bothered him. He saw it in the tension in his shoulders when they were in
the same room, the way his eyes lingered on Watanuki just a second longer,
words haunted Watanuki. Doumeki loved him. Even he had said so himself. That
was why Doumeki was here; for him. He had done many things for him. Doumeki
loved him. But had Watanuki loved him back?
dinner, Watanuki was assigned to wash the dishes. At first he was glad of the
chance to think things through but his relief didn’t last long because Doumeki
was asked to help him. He had tried to refuse but the silent youth wouldn’t
take ‘no’ for an answer and simply proceeded to wash the dishes, leaving
Watanuki to do the drying.
silence was unnerving yet familiarly comfortable. Something about being near
Doumeki made Watanuki felt safe. Somehow he felt like this was where he
belonged. Watanuki stole a glance at the youth beside him, trying to read him.
Though initially he saw nothing, after a while Watanuki could recognize the
darkness clouding his eyes. Guilt stabbed him painfully and he tightened his
grip on the cloth he was holding.
was I to you?” Watanuki asked, finally gathering enough courage. Still he avoided
Doumeki’s eyes, afraid of what he might find there.
glanced at him briefly but didn’t pause his work.
hint of longing in his voice but he expertly hid it. “You could’ve been nicer though.”
frowned and prepared a nasty reply but changed his mind. “How was that?”
time Doumeki did pause. Watanuki could sense that he was making an effort not
to look at him and stared ahead instead. Calm as he tried to look, Doumeki’s
failed to hide his feelings completely as he described Watanuki’s treatment
toward him. “You are stubborn and loud. You’re always yelling at me. You always
argue with me. It seems like you’re never satisfied with what I do. You kept
complaining about my behavior.”
why did you love me?”
turned to face Watanuki. His voice was as firm as his eyes as he answered. “I
at Watanuki’s surprised expression, waiting for a
question he knew was coming.
I love you?”
said nothing for a moment. Then slowly he reached out with a cold hand to
caress Watanuki’s cheek. Stunned by the action, Watanuki could do nothing but
stare at him. “I hope you do.” Doumeki said with a hint of a smile. His hand lingered
on Watanuki’s skin for a moment before it retreated and he turned back to his
task.
didn’t answer Watanuki’s question but he knew that was the truth. Something
about the way Doumeki said it, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes, the
softness of his touch, told Watanuki that it wasn’t a lie. It was what Doumeki
was feeling. But what did Doumeki mean by that? How did it answer his question?
words finally made sense to Watanuki. Just as Doumeki turned to leave, he
pulled his hand. Knowing that Doumeki’s strength and agility was beyond his,
Watanuki acted as quickly as possible. He pulled down Watanuki’s face and
sealed their lips together.
felt familiar to Watanuki even if this was the second kiss in his memory. He
smiled slightly, reveling in the familiarity and began to move his lips. Not so
long after, Doumeki began to respond to the kiss. As the kiss became more
heated, Watanuki wrapped his arms around Doumeki’s neck while Doumeki placed
his hands on Watanuki’s hips to pull him closer. Their desire burned hotter as
they explored each other’s mouths. Watanuki gasped softly as instinct guided
him to grind his aching shaft against Doumeki’s thigh. Doumeki’s grip on his
hips suddenly tightened and he pulled away.
He said, looking away from Watanuki’s flushed face.
However Watanuki could tell from his accelerated breathing that he wanted this,
needed this as badly, if not more, than he did.
me.” Watanuki whispered, pressing their bodies close once more.
Not like this.” Doumeki said, his voice strained from
holding back his desire.
me love you.”
got Doumeki’s attention. He hesitated, hope and fear battling in his eyes. He
shook his head. “No. I shouldn’t. I will hurt you.”
smiled a little sadly. Had he been holding back all this time? He felt a slight
tug of fear but most of all, he needed this connection
as an affirmation of his being. He pulled Doumeki into an embrace, feeling
tension drew the tone toned body taut. “Then be gentle tonight.”
was nearly beyond Doumeki. It’s been so long, too long. He didn’t want to do
this when Watanuki wasn’t sure about his feelings towards him. He wanted
Watanuki to want –crave even, the connection, too. But tonight Watanuki had
asked him to make him love him. Tonight, after a very long while, Watanuki
wanted his love.
was difficult to hold back when Watanuki’s hot willing body was beneath him,
relearning pleasure. Doumeki had feared that he would hurt his lover but his
concern was put to rest as Watanuki pleaded for more with his voice and body. After
claiming another passionate kiss, Doumeki slowly pushed into Watanuki’s tight
heat. The effort not to simply slam in when Watanuki’s internal muscles were
clinging to him was monumental. Doumeki took a deep breath. Ignoring Watanuki’s
shocked expression and lusty gasps, he slid in further.
was tighter and hotter than he remembered. Doumeki pulled out until only the
tip of his erection remained before slowly entering again,
striking a certain spot he remembered giving Watanuki the most pleasure.
Watanuki’s reaction took his breath away. His eyes widened as his back arched
up and he moaned loudly, his fingers clawing Doumeki’s back and his muscle
tightening deliciously.
breath labored as he struggled to maintain a slow pace. He didn’t want to hurt
Watanuki, he really didn’t want to. He buried his face in Watanuki’s shoulder as
Watanuki’s tight heat contracted around him, pulling him deeper. He shouldn’t…
He shouldn’t…. But he couldn’t anymore…
sorry.” He whispered.
Wha…”
unasked question was answered as Doumkeki lifted himself, withdrew almost all
the way out before slamming back in. His mouth opened but no voice escaped as
Doumeki thrust into him quickly, almost violently. Inevitably, he tightened
every time Doumeki hit that pleasure spot inside him, driving Doumeki to thrust
into him harder and faster. They shared frantic kisses to muffle gasps and
moans and communicate what they needed. Watanuki reached between their sweaty
bodies to grasp his leaking erection. Knowing this, Doumeki growled ferally as
he pounded even harder to quickly bring Watanuki into completion.
akin to Doumeki’s name escaped Watanuki’s mouth as a cry as he came hard.
Feeling the wet heat erupted between them, Doumeki
thrust in one last time and let himself go. He came forcefully inside his lover
with a long moan. The force of his pleasure made his toes curl and he wished it
will never end, this pleasure of loving his lover.
When the final wave of pleasure had washed over him, he lifted his head to lock
his lips with Watanuki’s waiting ones. They kissed slowly, lovingly and for a
while, everything seemed to be all right.
I hurt you?” Doumeki asked softly.
Watanuki answered, tracing invisible patterns on Doumeki’s chest with his
finger. For what seemed like the first time in his life, he felt happy and
content. It felt like he had found the missing piece of his soul. No, he was
still unable to recall anything but past didn’t seem to matter anymore now. It
was this moment, this very second, when he lay within the embrace of Doumeki
that really mattered. “You’ll never hurt me.”
kissed the crown of his head. Watanuki could feel love in the gesture and felt
his body and his heart responded to it. This felt right. This was right. He
knew it now.
do you make it all this time?” He wondered out loud.
just have to make you fall for me every day.” Doumeki said. His voice held no
malice, only slight bitterness of reality and contentment from post orgasmic
bliss.
sound so smug!” Watanuki exclaimed, slightly embarrassed. He wanted to lift
himself so he could have a btter look of Doumeki or even perhaps hit him once
or twice, but Doumeki’s arm was unyielding and he settle to glaring at him.
studied Doumeki’s somber expression closely. While to others it might seem
blank, he could see the faint lines that pain had drew on his face. He had put
up with this for years without a single complain, only devotion for him.
I hurt you?” Watanuki echoed Doumeki’s earlier question quietly. He wasn’t
referring to physical pain and Doumeki knew this.
worth it.” Doumeki said, neither
denying or confirming. He merely stated the fact.
face heated up but before he could say anything, a yawn split his face. He
decided that whatever he was going to say wasn’t so important and settled his
head on Doumeki’s chest. Exhaustion from work and their previous liaison
finally took their toll on him. Doumeki’s warmth enveloped him and his steady
heart beat quickly lulled him to sleep. Just at the brink of oblivion, though,
a thought struck him and he lifted himself up to look at Doumeki. “If I sleep,
will I forget everything again tomorrow.”
looked at him, face completely unreadable. Then he pulled Watanuki back into
his embrace and kissed his temple. “We’ll see.”
Watanuki began, struggling against Doumeki. But sleepiness weakened him and he
was lost again.
tired. Sleep.” Doumeki said. “I’ll be here tomorrow.”
threw one last glare then gave up. He tightened his arms around Doumeki as if
to make sure that he would keep his words. He settled back into Doumeki’s
strong chest and slowly drifted up to a dreamless sleep.
watched his lover sleep for a while. Unmasked sadness drifted across his face
briefly but then disapeard again. He reached out to turn off the lamp on the
night stand and wrapped his arms around his lover’s figure.
had ended. Tomorrow would begin.
This fic is slightly related to a lesson from one of my classes several weeks
ago about existential psychology. It is about being here and now and that was
all that matters. That we are separate and unique entity (or
so I understood).
know the italic sentences were kinda confusing. So here’s the meaning: Did I
love you means Watanuki wondered if he had loved Doumeki in the past (because
he couldn’t remember). Doumeki said I hope you do because he wished Watanuki
still love him even now. So there.
enough about psychology and start reviewing, please.