By My Hands

A/N: Hello, everyone! New fic, new fandom, but I hope it'll be alright!

I will attempt to update this fic every other Sunday, but we'll see how well that turns out. For those of you who have never read anything else by me, I am notoriously horrible with updates.

Cautionary note: This fic will be slash. That means two males (namely Gene Starwind and Jim Hawking) in a sexual relationship. You know the drill: Don't like? Don't read. It will also contain somewhat violent scenes as well as occasional foul/abusive/vulgar language.

Disclaimer: Outlaw Star and all affiliated characters, situations, or products are the property of their respective owners. I do not profit off of this story in any way. It is for entertainment purposes only.


Chapter I—The Beginning

To tell you the truth, I really loved watching Gene walk away from me—especially when that horrible coat he liked to wear had been left in his bedroom.

I became his partner when I was ten years old, and I've always been aware of the fact that Gene Starwind is a ladies man. Women were the one thing—the only thing—that could hold his attention for more than a couple of minutes. And he wasn't particularly discerning, either, he liked them all. Whether they were blond, brunet, thin, heavy, tall, or short, he just liked women. I guess he was what the teenagers back on Sentinel III would call a 'womanizer'. Of course, it got a bit tiresome every now and again, particularly when we were docked on any one planet for more than a few days. Sure, Aniki is an attractive guy, but I'll never understand how he could manage to pick up a new lady friend every night.

I also had to wonder why he'd never seemed overly interested in any of the women on board the Outlaw. When he chose to take a lover, it was never someone who he knew, always a stranger. That was why I knew, had always known, that I would have to content myself with watching Gene Starwind walk away from me. All the evidence pointed towards a stunningly heterosexual Captain, but even if it didn't, I was as far away from a stranger as it was possible to be. Sometimes I thought I might know Aniki better than he did himself—certainly I knew him better than those bimbos he liked to bring home.

Resting my head against my closed fist, I watched the sway of his hips in those tight black pants, framed ever-so-nicely in my perverted mind by his favorite belt. He swung his coat over his shoulder, grabbing his wallet and shoving it into his back pocket. He hadn't said where he was going, but I had a pretty good idea. After all, the past few nights he had been forced to stay on the ship working on a failure in engine four, so he hadn't been able to go out.

“I'm going to stay in town, tonight! Don't wait up for me, Melfina!” He waved as he left the dining hall, smiling at the confused look on Melfina's face as she stirred the pot of stew simmering on the stove. I couldn't help but frown at the callous remark—he knew Mel had a hard time sleeping and would, in all probability, not be sleeping at all that night. On top of being a lady's man, Aniki had this horrible habit of letting his mouth run before taking the time to think about whether it was a good idea or not. He was a nice guy inside, really, but sometimes he came across as the biggest asshole on the planet.

“Sorry, Melfina. You know Aniki doesn't really think before he says things.” I ladled some more stew into my bowl, thankful that we had finally been able to get some meat, now that we were stationed on land for a while.

“Oh, I know. You don't have to worry.” She came down to sit next to me, carrying her own small bowl. “Is the stew all right? It's from a new recipe book that I wanted to try.”

As I blew onto a steaming spoonful to cool it off, Suzuka came into the dining hall, looking elegant as always. Filling herself a cup of tea, she helped herself to dinner as well.

“Everything you make is always delicious, Melfina, you know that.” she said simply, and I nodded in agreement.

Melfina smiled, taking a small bite of the stew. I had never figured out whether she ate so little because she didn't need to eat a lot, or for some other reason. She had always been a small woman—though, I don't guess I have a heck of a lot of room to talk, standing proudly at five, feet six inches—but maybe that was just how she was created. I tended to forget, sometimes, that she was an android, not just another crewmember.

“Sorry for changing the topic, but I think we should leave tomorrow. I know we had planned on staying for another week, but this place is giving me a weird vibe. How are we on food supplies, Mel?”

She placed her spoon delicately on top of her napkin, turning her eyes to the ceiling, thinking.

“I was hoping to buy some more canned goods, but that was really just a precaution. We should have enough to last another couple of weeks or so.”

Suzuka quietly sipped her tea, waiting for God knows what to happen. She was still a mystery, even after nine years of having her as my crewmate.

“Great. Now I guess we'll just have to see how long it takes Aniki to come crawling back this time.” I said, and they both smiled, although Suzuka's was more a tiny upturn of her lip than an actual smile.

“Indeed.”

–

I heard him come stumbling back in—it was impossible not to, with the metal floors and thin walls of the ship multiplying every sound. The blinking red lights on my clock told me it was way later than any sane person would still be awake, but no one had ever said that Gene's sanity was still fully intact. I could hear the deep baritone of his voice, accompanied by a higher, more feminine one. Great, I thought, he's brought another one onto our ship.

I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but I sort of felt like the Outlaw Star was our haven. Gene, Melfina, Suzuka, I and occasionally Aisha were the only ones who were supposed to have the privilege of being on it. When he brought these whores back with him, I felt like he was betraying us somehow, although I'm sure we were the furthest thing from his mind. When plied with alcohol, Aniki was no better than any of the women he picked up.

Folding my arms behind my head, I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be getting any more sleep in my room. As much as I didn't want it to be, Gene having sex was a very distracting thing, no matter who his partner was. I reached over and turned off my alarm. It didn't make much sense to have it on if I wasn't going to be there to hear it. My slippers were sticking subtly out from under my bed, and I grabbed them, slipping them on. I was neither drunk nor wearing heavy combat boots, so I could easily sneak away without disturbing the couple next door.

Not that I cared. I didn't.

When I knocked on Melfina's door, it only took a few moments for her to open it. She hadn't bothered putting on any extra clothing, so she stood in her nightgown, but it didn't matter. Even if Melfina weren't the closest thing I would ever have to a mother, I had seen her naked enough times that it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

“What is it?” Her soft voice was soothing, somehow, and I hadn't been aware of how much I needed that comfort until I had heard it.

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” She shot me a knowing glance, understanding what was going on without me having to tell her. It happened often enough that we didn't have to pretend it wasn't a something of a tradition. I don't know if she knew, then, why it bothered me so much. Looking back, I think she must have. Regardless, she stepped aside, letting me come into the warmth of her bedroom. She got cold rather easily, so her room was always kept warmer than the rest of the ship. Gilliam had never had any problems catering to Melfina—none of us had.

I took my slippers off, placing them neatly by the side of the door. Looking over at the bed, I saw her slide underneath the covers, and I walked over to join her, pulling her close to me, curling my fingers around her nightgown. The comfort I felt being next to her like this was just as strong as it had been when I had first met her.

“Perhaps you should suggest that he not bring women back to his room anymore, Jim.”

I laughed a little bit, a quiet chuckle that sounded a bit cynical, even to my ears. As though he would ever listen to me. All I ever did was bitch at him, so why would he have any reason to?

“It's like you told me earlier. He can be a bit cruel, sometimes, but he is never cruel on purpose.”

My only response was to pull her closer, wondering how she always smelled so nice, even living on a spaceship.

–

The next morning, I was awoken by Gilliam gently touching my arm. Blinking up at him, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. The bed next to me was cold, but I wasn't surprised—Melfina usually woke up pretty early.

“I am very sorry to interrupt your sleep, but since that hooligan I call Captain refuses to wake up, I thought I should tell you that the Space Forces have received word of our location and are closing in.”

Instantly awake, I sprang from the bed, tripping a bit on the covers in my haste.

“Shit! What do they want with us? I thought we were clean from all that, Gilliam!”

I rushed from the room, hastily brushing past Suzuka on my way to Gene's room. Once I got there, I pounded on the door, not particularly caring that his lover would probably still be in his bed.

“Aniki, wake the fuck up!” I don't know why I always expected that to work. In all honesty, a rampaging pack of elephants could probably have scampered through his bedroom and Gene wouldn't have stirred—me banging on his door would certainly not be enough to rouse him. When he slept, it was as though he spent the next ten hours completely comatose.

“Giliam, open the door, please.”

It slid open, and I barely glanced at the woman who clutched a sheet to her naked breast with a faint flush on her face.

“Aniki, you have to get up, now.” I shook his shoulders, and would probably have been amused by the way his head swung limply from side to side if the situation hadn't been so urgent.

Of course, shaking him failed to rouse him, just like it always did. I curled my fingers for a moment, loosening them up before laying a flat-palmed slap right across his right cheek. Aside from making me feel quite a bit better, it finally did the trick.

“What the hell, Jim?”

Gilliam floated into the room, blinking automatically, ignoring the women on the bed just as obviously as I had.

“The Space Forces are coming to arrest us. I am not sure why they suddenly decided we were a threat, but I think it might be a good idea for us to move on.”

Gene was always very groggy when he woke up—I guess that's what comes from sleeping as heavily as he does—so it wasn't a surprise that the information took a moment to sink in. On top of that, Aniki's cavalier attitude toward danger probably ranked the Space Forces among mutant turtle attacks and high cholesterol.

“The Space Forces, huh?” He scratched his chest idly, yawning. Turning to the other occupant of his bed, he grinned. It was the grin that never failed. Whatever he wanted, he got with that grin. It wasn't fair, really. “Well, babe, I guess you should probably be leaving. It looks like we're going to have to get out of here sooner than planned.”

That might have been what bothered me the most about his nightly visitors. He always acted so chivalrous to them. He acted like he cared when he couldn't possibly. All in all, he had probably only known this woman for a grand total of twelve hours, half of which were spent sleeping. How could he possibly care one bit about her feelings? I think part of me was jealous—somehow it seemed like he cared more about these strangers than he did about us.

“So soon, Gene?” He kissed her gently, pushing her arm a little as he, too, got out of bed, completely unheeding of his own nakedness. He's always been good looking, like I said, and he knows it. The scars covering his body did nothing to detract from his handsomeness, and his body was covered in lean muscle. My body wasn't anything to sneeze at, but it would never hold a candle to Gene's. He tugged on a pair of the familiar dark grey boxers, he walked out of the room, pulling his unnamed lover behind him.

–

It was easy to leave the Space Forces behind. No matter how clever the pursuer, it just wasn't possible to catch up to the Outlaw Star once Aniki has decided to lose you. The only thing I didn't understand was why they had been looking for us in the first place. As far as I knew, we were clean. At least, I was clean—I probably shouldn't speak for Gene.

For the past few years, we'd all been leading relatively low-key lives. A bounty when they were available, a delivery every now and then, and, as always, superb, cheap repairs. It didn't take a lot to keep our ship running, and the only things we really needed were supplies and some extra change. Personally, I had always thought it was Melfina's influence that kept us so straight—figuratively speaking, of course. We had offered her more than one chance to high tail it out of here, but she had decided against it, whether because she knew we needed her to runt he ship or because she just didn't have anywhere else to go. Or maybe because she knew I needed her, maybe as much as I needed Gene.

Suzuka could have done something shifty, I suppose—she was, after all, a reformed assassin, and there were no guarantees that she hadn't gone back to it—but I doubted it. I trusted her. Stupid, I know, but I never said I wasn't. Only a complete idiot would have been dumb enough to fall in love with Gene Starwind. Anyway, I didn't believe that she would have done anything to jeopardize our peace.

As for Aisha...well, she hadn't been with us for at least a year or so, so anything she would have done would have been brought down on her head, not ours. And, of course, that left Gene.

Why did it always have to come down to Gene?

The only conclusion I could make was that he had caused some trouble when he'd gone into town. It had to have been last night because he had been stuck on the ship for the few night before that—despite being otherwise completely incompetent, the Space Forces were very fast to respond to a call.

I know it was pointless, I really did, but it just galled me so much how selfish Aniki was. It was as though he either had no idea or just didn't care that everything he did had an impact on other people. Could he really be that heedless? How could he never see the lines of broken hearts that he left behind with his womanizing? How could he never see that a ship didn't just come with parts and pieces, but with nakama, with companions, that relied on him to keep them safe?

Not that we were incapable of protecting ourselves, but it would still have been nice to know that Gene had our backs, and it sure as hell didn't seem like he did.

I tucked my hands behind my head, crossing my legs in the air above my bed. I could barely feel the Outlaw Star moving beneath me, subtle mechanical vibrations that didn't bother me as much as they used to. The white noise tugged on my eyelids, bringing them together, lulling me into the familiar comfort of my bed, something Gene had taken away from me last night with his lover. This had been my bedroom since we had first joined with Hilda and come across the Outlaw Star, and it always would be.

I woke a few hours later, startling awake from the same troubling nightmares that had been bothering me every night that we had been stopped on that planet. Now that we had left it behind, I had hoped that the dreams would finally stop, but apparently not. I woke up shivering and cold, no matter how many blankets were tossed on my bed, but I couldn't remember a single thing, and I think that's what really sucked about it. Part of me wanted to ask Melfina if there was anything she could do for me, but something held me back. Somehow, I felt like it would be best if I kept it to myself.

–

Unless he was busy with 'other' activities, Gene always joined us for breakfast. We rarely ate our other meals at the same times, but Aniki, Suzuka, Melfina and I always had breakfast together—barring, of course, the times when we were airborne and Melfina was helping to fly the Outlaw Star. It was nice. Gene and I didn't see much of each other anymore, to tell the truth, and when we did it was more often than not something related to the business. It's funny how he could manage to avoid me so easily when he lived right next door. He's always been able to disappear when he wanted to.

I'll admit it—I can't cook. I know, I should have learned at some point, but Aniki was always the one saving my horrible attempts at cooking back home, and once Melfina started coming around with us, I didn't have to worry about it. So, the most I can usually manage is a bowl of cereal, but milk is too expensive. We can't afford it. Whenever we stop for any amount of time on Sentinel III, we can usually get our paws on some dairy—butter, milk, stuff like that—or eggs and such, but certainly not when we're in the air. It goes bad, and we can't afford to waste it. So, Gene plopped a plate of pancakes in front of my face, along with a steaming cup of tea, courtesy of Suzuka.

“Eat up, Jim! There's plenty more where that came from.” There was that damned grin again, the grin that sort of pulls an answering smile from your lips no matter how hard you resisted. He slid onto the bench next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and ruffling my hair. How that fucker could be so damn confident all the time was completely beyond me.

“Don't bother making more, Aniki. I'm not too hungry.”

“And that, my dearest Jim, is why you will never get any taller!” The scars on his face stretched handsomely as he took a bite of his own pancakes. Normally, a comment like that would have royally pissed me off, but I was too tired to care. If he wanted to be an asshole, that was his problem.

“And perhaps your overeating is why you will always be abnormally large, Gene-san,” Suzuka said, calmly taking a sip of her tea. I sent a small smile her way, chuckling lightly. Aniki stuttered, cleary affronted, and he placed a hand across his chest.

“Suzuka, you wound me. Although, I'm afraid the cut isn't very deep—there are a whole slew of women out there who would say I'm just the right size.” He wiggled his eyebrows lecherously.

I have to hand it to Gene, he's probably the only man on the planet who would dare to douse the Twilight Assassin in innuendo.

“Hn.” Suzuka rolled her eyes, turning slightly concerned eyes to me instead. “Are you ill, Jim-san?”

Shaking my head, I returned to my plate, stuffing a piece of pancake into my mouth and chewing it disinterestedly. “No,” I said, “I don't know what's going on. I didn't sleep too well last night, so that might be it. Thanks for your concern, though.”

I returned to my pancakes, lacking gusto. Gene was always the one with the big appetite, even on a normal day. The tea seemed to sooth me a bit—it always had.

“So, Aniki, care to let us in on why the Space Forces want to arrest us?”

I watched his face as I asked the question, because, if there were one concrete thing I had learned about my aniki, I had learned that his face was horribly emotive. His eye shifted for a moment, and he cocked a single eyebrow as though he had absolutely no idea what I was referring to.

“Why on Sentinel III would you think I had anything to do with it?” he asked.

“Because I seriously doubt either Suzuka or Melfina would do something that would compromise the rest of us.”

A strange expression came on his face, as though he had injured himself somehow and was surprised that it hurt.

“And I would?” I almost stopped, at his words. I almost didn't say what he had so naively left himself open for. But I couldn't stop myself—it was like someone had stuck a hose in my mouth and my thoughts were coming out whether I wanted them to or not.

“Yes, Aniki, you would. As a matter of fact, you already do. When was the last time you wondered how your actions affect us? When was the last time you cared whether it hurt that you bring your whores onto the ship, or cause trouble in the bars that I have to take care of? I'm sick of cleaning up after you, Gene! Everyone else on this ship understands that we're part of a team, you know? Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. It can't always be about you all the time” I took a deep breath, looking him straight in the eye.

This is what I hated, really. It seemed like every single time we got to talk, I ended up doing nothing but bitch at him. About how he was lazy, about how he never took anything seriously. It was no wonder that he never let anything I say matter to him. How could it, when it was nothing but criticism?

“You're the most selfish person on this ship, Gene. So, when Gilliam comes to me in the middle of the night—because, of course, he couldn't manage to wake you up—and tells me that the Space Forces are after us, what the hell else am I supposed to think? That Melfina got a little tipsy and mixed with the wrong sort of guys last time she went into town? That Suzuka got a little short on cash and decided to start accepting hits again?”

I could feel my face, scrunched up and ugly, as everything came tumbling out. Word vomit, that's what they used to call it. What the fuck did Gene do to deserve this from me? All he did was make me pancakes, and I attacked his entire character. Sure, I hated the way he was, and I probably had more interest than most because I was in love with him, but wasn't it still his business? For a fleeting moment, I thought it would be nice if someone came along and sewed my mouth shut one of these days.

“I'm sorry you feel like that, Jim, but I haven't done anything. As selfish as I am, it might come as a surprise that I am able to control myself on occasion.” Standing, he collected our dishes, putting them in the sink, and left the room. As I watched him go I saw his hands, clenched into fists at his sides.