Walking Wounded

I have no idea how many years I was writting this fic for. It started with wanting to write an angsty Silver Pair fic, and then I saw something in a Musical Backstage that totally gave me a better idea ...but if I say what I saw it'll spoil the surprise.

CHAPTER 1

Another day, another fight, another night alone.

Shishido was getting far to used to spending the night without his boyfriend. His own bed looking far to large for himself, and too cold for his body alone. Since Junior High the two had been sleeping in the same bed whenever they could. When they stayed over and were set up in a guest room, midnight found them slowly slinking into the others bed. Welcomed by lifted covers and opened arms, to lay tangled together until morning separated them.
Not even dating changed their routine.

It only changed when Choutarou's family began asking him why he hadn't kept a girlfriend, and why he had stopped looking. He was getting older, 18 years of age, and should be thinking about his future. They never stopped to think that the shy College student wasn't interested in girls, or in having a family.

Homosexual wasn't in their vocabulary.

To please his family, Choutarou tried dating girls throughout High School. He found girls too similar to himself and it usually ended on a mutual agreement that it was better being friends. There were times when Choutarou tried to hold it together with his girlfriends to please his family, but when things went to far and he couldn't handle it, he found himself crying himself to sleep in Shishido's arms. The older teen gently caressing his hair while comforting him. Choutarou always felt safe in the arms of his senpai. He liked the feel of Ryou's strong arms around him, his hard chest pressed to his own. He may have found a girls curves attractive, but never as they wanted. When they pressed their soft breasts to his chest he would, of course, blush due to the intimacy, but he gained nothing from touching a girl. Unlike his senpai, when he felt Shishido's stomach muscles flinch under his hands his temperature would rise. He liked the roughness of a man, not the softness of a woman.

But because it was what his family wished, he denied himself and continued with girls.

When the two started College, Choutarou finally gave up on girls, telling his parents he wanted to concentrate solely on school. That was when Shishido started pushing for a real relationship, to put a title to the time they spent together. After years of waiting, Choutarou finally gave in.

Everrthing was fine, until Shishido tried to deepen their relationship, to take it further then what they had already done. The intimacy caused Choutarou to panic, fearful that his parents would catch on that Shishido and himself were more than just close friends. Shishido would have none of that and fought back.

"Unh ...ah! Shishido! Stop! Ryou! Please stop!" Choutarou pushed gently on his partners shoulders, panting as Shishido slowly teased him before stopping.

"Why?" He continued to tease Choutarou, working him into near frenzy with his mouth.

Ootori pushed on his shoulders again, "my parents will be back soon! We have to stop! If we make a mess they'll know!"

Shishido lifted his head from between Ootori's legs, staring at him for a moment before dropping dramatically onto his back away from Choutarou, "I'm starting to think you're just using your parents as an excuse not to have sex with me!" He growled in frustration. Throwing his legs off the side of the bed he slammed them off the floor as he stood to straighten his pants. Finding his shirt he pulled it back on roughly, "this is bullshit," he hissed to himself.

"Ryou, please understand!" Choutarou cried, watching his boyfriend tear around the room looking for discarded items.

Every time they went too far, Choutarou would panic and stop them, leaving Shishido hard and wanting more. His frustration would make him say something foolish, which would lead to them arguing about Ootori's parents.

"Understand what?!" Shishido yelled.

Those fights always ended with Shishido storming out and Choutarou in tears.

Most of those nights found Shishido in a low end bar with a bottle of beer and a que stick.

The darkness and animosity of the bar allowed Shishido to lose himself, forgetting his problems at the bottom of a glass. Smoke clung to his hair and clothing with the intimacy of a lover, a lover Shishido wanted but could never have. Flashing lights blinded him, leaving everyone faceless silhouettes, the way he wanted to be after every fight. He felt horrible for yelling at his boyfriend, but he also felt justified. Denied, denied what he wanted, what he felt was his.

The queball crashed off a striped ball, sending it rebounding off the sides. Bouncing around the table with no end in sight. Just like his relationship, fight after fight with neither side coming out victorious. It wasn't just the sex Shishido wanted, he wanted Ootori's parents to stop thanking him for being such a good 'friend'. He wanted to be introduced to the rest of the Ootori family as their son's 'boyfriend', not his 'best friend'. He wanted to be able to rest his head on Choutarou's shoulder in front of his parents, to hold his hand and kiss his cheek. He wanted what Choutarou was afraid to give him.

Every night he fended off drunken indecent proposals from both genders with a glare and a sharp 'not interested!'. He wasn't in the mood for some drunken house wife or business man who had come to the bar to hide from their lives. A few people had taken their proposals a little too far, and were thrown over a table before being escorted out by the bouncers who knew the small feminine-looking brunette by name.

"Another one Ryou-kun?"

"This one thought I was a chick!"

"It's those jeans man, way too tight ..."

"Fuck you!" Forced laughter, as humorous as the situation was, he couldn't find the energy to truly laugh.

It was always noticed, "fight with your boyfriend?" They all knew about Shishido's preferances, a few offering to 'deal' with his boyfriend. These were always waved off with a crooked grin and a forced laugh, "don't worry about it!"

Bending over the edge of the table, que balanced on his thin fingers, Shishido lined up his next shot. He growled low in his throat as a strong pair of hands grabbed his hips. Without missing a beat Shishido went to take his shot but instead of snapping the que forward he swung it wide and aimed the butt-end at the side of whomever was behind him.

The end was caught easily and Shishido felt the male behind him arch over his back, "another fight with your boyfriend?"

He smiled as the familiar voice caressed his ear, the warm breath ghosting down his neck; a chill following. Pressing back against the solid chest he responded with a playful, "you too?"

Another chill ran down his spine as the chest he was leaning against rumbled with a deep chuckle. It was the same game they always played, asking questions neither bothered to answer. Answers weren't needed because they both knew the only reason why they ran into each other was because they were having trouble in their relationships.

"Maybe ...you going to come home with me and make me feel better?"

Shishido laid the que on the table and downed the rest of his beer. Another useless question, of course he would follow ...that was the reason why they even acknowledged each other. Any other time they completely ignored the existance of one another, their lives taking them in two completely different directions. Only ever crossing in a small run-down bar with clean tables and cold beer.

The first time the two met the game started, questions without answers. And from the first moment they started playing their game, Shishido found himself in a bed that didn't belong to Choutarou.

Once in the small dark apartment, the heavy door closed and bolted, Shishido took what Choutarou never gave him. A release.
Sometimes he would be pushed over the kitchen table or counter; pants around his ankles scrambling for purchase as he was pounded from behind. Other times he was knocked to the floor on his hands and knees and taken harshly. The only lubrication was the saliva from one of the two. Hands never drifted to one another as a true lovers might, leaving Shishido to relieve himself by his own hand. The hands pinning his hips were careful to not leave bruises. Lips never touched, a promise to never mark one as anothers. Never the gentleness of a kiss, mouths left to growl and pant into the warm darkness of the room. Names never cried, voices only used to demand.

"Bend over!"
"Harder!"

Never the intimacy of screaming a lovers name in release, lips bleeding from the effort of holding back the name of his true lover. The one who never touched him in the way that drew out those screams.

Their first release was followed the the shedding of remaining clothing and a staggered tumble onto a small cold bed. Laying on his back watching the body above him rock with the thrusts. Their spent energy making the sex much more gentle, instead of screams filling the air, only gentle pants with the occasional grunt. At this time Shishido's body didn't respond the same; laying motionless under his partner, erect but doing nothing to relieve himself. He would allow his head to tumble to the side as he cried. His tears were never wiped away by gentle fingers. That wasn't a part of the game. After their second release he was left filled by another man's seed, the dirty feeling of having someone else take him. And unlike sleeping next to Choutarou, he was always turned from, left to stare at the broad strong back. Never a single word passed between them. That also wasn't a part of the game.

No heart, no emotions, just sex.

A chance to relieve the frustrations of a day of fighting with the one they cared about.


Shishido groaned and slowly stirred when the bed beside him dipped. Rubbing his eyes he turned to the digital clock on the nightstand behind him; 3:00am. Choutarou's parents would be back, the entire family asleep by now. He wondered if Choutarou's parents questioned about his absence, wondered how Choutarou would respond? He wouldn't tell his parents they had a lovers spat, possibly a family emergency? Suddenly started to feel sick? Rubbing at the stubborn tears in the corners of his eyes he twisted his upper torso to look over his shoulder, "Jin?"

He squinted to try and focus, the light coming in from the streetlamps through the closed curtains illuminating only blurry sillhouettes. A spark in the direction from the kitchen let him know where his bed partner was. He rolled onto his back as Akutsu wandered back into his line of view, jeans dangling loosely around his hips, the sharp lines of his bones sliding under the pale skin as he walked over to the bed. He sat down lightly next to Shishido, reclining back against his legs.

Taking a long drag from his cigarette he tilted his head back, "Dan says he's still not ready, he's afraid I'll hurt him ..." he said quietly.

He had started going out with the little freshman when he turned 16, three years younger than Akutsu himself. Dan's parents were no where near as thrilled as Akutsu's mother had been. Because of his history Dan may have cared for him, but he was cautious. Clinging to his arm like a giddy school girl in public, but making sure Akutsu kept a distance when alone.

"You have to be gentle with me!" Dan's small frame left him vulnerable to larger males like Akutsu, and he knew it.

"Give me a chance and I will!" Akutsu tried to be gentle, fighting his natural instincts to please his little boyfriend.

Any accidental roughness would frighten Dan, enough for him to shove his boyfriend away. "Stop! You're scaring me!"

Akutsu used to love seeing people cry when he hurt them, but when Dan cried he felt his stomach knot. Unused to the feeling, he would get frustrated and shout, frightening Dan even more. The more the tears fell, the more the knot twisted; to the point where Akutsu would slam his fists onto something and storm out.
Being unable to apologize, he would act like nothing happened the next time Dan agreed to see him. At first Dan was understanding, trying to help Akutsu learn. But soon he became frustrated with Jin's inability to adapt.

"I don't want to see you right now," Dan's small voice crept through the door of his family's apartment.

"WHAT?!"

"Please just leave me alone right now."

Akutsu hated hearing the pain in Dan's voice, knowing that his little lover was fighting tears. It wasn't that he wanted to be a heartless monster, but 19 years worth of bad habits were hard to break.

"Taichi ...please ..." he never pleaded with anyone, but there were times when Dan seemed to draw from him things he would never have allowed anyone else to see.

"I'm sorry ..." the last response.

Shishido made no move to respond to Jin, simply watching the other male's profile as it flickered through different emotions. That was the one rule of their game; the one rule that they both needed. Be a quiet ear that does not offer pity or judgement.

Shifting onto his side so Akutsu could place his hands on the bed and rest his back against Shishido's thighs, he turned to watch the reflection of a car's headlights run down the far wall, "Choutarou's parents have started talking about him getting a girlfriend again. They want grand kids sometime. Since his sister can't carry on the family name, they want Choutarou to. I think they're bugging him more because his birthday is in a few months, he'll be 19. I keep telling him to just tell them he's gay, he's their son, they'll get over it. But he has so much respect for the family that he's terrified to disappoint his parents. He's afraid they'll disown him."

Akutsu snorted, the only response ever given. He had a hard time understanding families, having only his mother. He never knew the honor of a family name, couldn't understand how someone would allow a simple name to control their lives. He also couldn't understand how a parent could be so judgemental to the child they bore. All the hell he put his mother through, and she still thanked the gods for giving him to her. When Akutsu told her he was gay, her only response was, "as long as you're happy." Akutsu, nor Shishido knew nothing else. His parents saying the same thing.

"Great, now I have to help find my little brother a boyfriend!"

"Shut up ..."

"How do you plan on finding one with that crappy ass haircut?"

"BAKA ANIKI!"

Even his brother didn't mind, actually finding it humorous and taking every opportunity to tell his little brother what a cute little girlfriend he would make.

"I'm afraid he's going to do what his parents want and find himself a girl. To live a lie just to make his fucking parents happy," he continued, Akutsu stayed silent, seemingly concentrating on the smoke ring he was trying to create.

"Taichi might be thinking of leaving me, I heard him talking to a friend on the phone the other day. He was saying I haven't changed, that I'm still distant to him and almost uncaring. I've tried to change, he knows that, but for some reason it's like he's given up on me. I don't know what I'd do if he left me ...it may seem like I don't care about him, but I do, I just don't know how to show it. And he's the only one who's never been afraid of me. Who's taken the time to get to know me. Even when I tried to frighten him, he stood up to me with those god damned eyes ...those eyes I can never say no to."

In the darkness neither could see the tears. It was the only place where they could be true to themselves and not be seen. The only place where they didn't have to put on their masks and try to impress someone. The only place where their every fault wasn't put on display.