The Secret to Chargeman Ken s Energy

AN:  Be careful what you wish for, because you well might receive it.  I asked for this category to be created barely having any idea of what I would write for it.  Believe it or not, it takes some serious talent to write Chargeman Ken! fanficition.  I might have that talent, but I certainly didn’t use it here.  Instead, I opted for speed and the quick vulgar laugh over thoughtful prose.  But, didn’t the original creators of Chargeman Ken! do that anyway? 

I wrote this in about an hour.  I saved over six hundred brain cells, including the last seventeen of my own.  I challenge you to do better… and I really need to quit binge-watching Jar Jar Abrams movies while drink-writing.  No Scientologists were harmed in the writing of this fanfiction, although some may have been offended.  No thetins were harmed, either.  If you were seeking Clarity, then I promise you that this is the last place you should have looked to find it.

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Grand-Muff Manko of the 1369th Juralian Invasion Fleet walked down the Kichijoji Sun Road, and he was on top of the world.  He had finally discovered the secret to invading Blitto-P3.  By using a clever combination of Correlian surplus quality control reject thetins, royalty-free Joe Hisaishi clone Musak, 5d more real than real optics, and traveling fifty years into the past, he would finally defeat the Juralian Empire’s most feared and hated enemy for good.  Oh, and he would also set up a highly profitable near limitless mid-range snuff-porn empire in their quadrant of the galaxy, receiving a twenty percent cut of the gross, and twenty percent of the gross income, too.

His second in command, Half-Muff Tawagoto reported in.  “Excellency, I’ve just verified the last of your contingency plans are ready to be used if needed.  We have a shield satellite in orbit to put this planet in total eclipse if Chargeman Ken! appears through the last of the forty-three wormholes we used to travel here.  The mirror satellite on the other side is ready if we need to put this planet in unending daylight.  Our bomb-head diplomatic professors are in place in every center of their ruling species’s places of wisdom and government with the real ones in secure Tofu-Cells.  We have placed mock fourteen-year-old gridiron football quarterbacks in every junior high school that doesn’t have a gridiron football team.  We have even summoned The Snake.  Victory is ours!”

He told his second in command, “Indeed, victory is truly ours!  Let the plan…” 

The Grand-Muff stopped talking.  The cheap yet beautiful music native to their point of invasion had become tinny, faux-modern, and monotonous, as if they’d heard it sixty-five time before.  The oblivious local lifeforms started moving backwards as if on moving sidewalks despite the fact that city-wide moving sidewalks wouldn’t be installed in Tokyo for another thirty years.  Even the colors became flat and lifeless.  Both Manko and Tawagoto knew that they were in big trouble.  They had committed their reserves so thoroughly that if Chargeman Ken! actually won, that the Juralian race itself might well be extirpated.

“Enact the emergency plans!” Manko commanded, and it was done.  All manner of petty villainy was suddenly committed throughout Tokyo.  Juralians planted their chopsticks vertically in bowls of rice and tipped their servers throughout the city.  They folded, bent, spindled, and mutilated the mail of random local residents.  They tore the tags off of mattresses, pillows, and futons.  They got in line at busy convenience stores to slowly buy lottery tickets.  They drank the hot sake cold and the cold sake hot.  They sold Natto-Tofu sundaes to unsuspecting tourists.  They wiped their insertive reproductive organs on the window coverings in public.  They crossed streets against the traffic signals.  They even hired and used street prostitutes and tried paying them using two party personal checks. But, apart from having to kill a traffic warden in Shibuya Ward, their efforts were all for nothing.  Chargeman Ken didn’t defend his home city first.  He defended it last. 

The reports came in rapidly, and also died off just as fast, along with those transmitting them.  Chargeman Ken had taken all their bomb-head infiltrators and detonated them in low-planet orbit.  But Manko wouldn’t give up without a fight.  He ordered, “Impose the eclipse!” 

At Manko’s command, the entirety of Blitto-P3 was engulfed in darkness.  Yet, Chargeman Ken was still operating with full energy.  He had already destroyed the Juralians in the whole of the Western Hemisphere and Africa, and he was working his way through Europe.   All sound of any kind on the planet ceased to be transmitted for a full minute, which was absolutely a horrible sign.

Seeing that removing sunlight didn’t affect his mortal enemy, Manko commanded, “Release the eclipse, and impose total daylight!”  The satellites were switched, and now the entire planet was fully illuminated by Blitto’s energy as if at High Noon.  If anything, Chargeman Ken! sped up!  The Bane of Juralia quickly worked his way through Eurasia.  Oddly enough, his progress was not noticed by the local species in those areas, since the local ruling species were already doing more lucrative harm to each other.  But, even total light failed to slow the Hero of Japan. 

An hour later, it was down to the last blocks of Suginami Ward.  Only Manko, Tawagoto, and their personal guards regiment remained.  When Chargeman Ken! Alpha-Gunned his way effortlessly through the canon fodder, throwing flashes of light and extracting screams of extirpation, Tawagoto ran for his miserable life.  With a single Alpha-Blast, Tawagoto went up in a massive fireball, breaking the last remaining windows for several blocks and immolating a Vietnamese Buddhist Pagoda along the way.

“I knew that fucker was drinking my gasoline!” Manko tersely thought to himself.

Finally, only Manko and Chargeman Ken remained, though the boy’s parents and younger sister were still merrily blasting away, not realizing that they were killing their own people by mistake.

In a last ditch move, Manko commanded, “Snake, kill Chargeman Ken!”

The snake rose from the ground stutteringly.  Chargeman Ken ripped it from the ground and threw it’s lifeless husk to the side.  The Hero of Japan screamed in a random direction, “Check the gate, and change your fundoshi, motherfuckers!  That was a pubic hair!”

Finally, only Manko, Chargeman Ken!, and the multiple thousands of oblivious local residents remained.  Manko asked, “Bane of Juralia, what is the secret to your unending energy?”

The Hero of Japan answered, “I will not end you this day, whoever you are.  Your minions in Mitake gave my younger sister Caron her first orgasm ever off-camera, so I didn’t even have to use the ‘Explicit Minor 1’ flag, let alone using the bitch myself.

“My source of energy is stupidity.  It’s the second most common element in the universe after hydrogen, after all.  And, unlike hydrogen, it distills itself.

“So, I’ll leave you to the tender mercies of the weird chick with the seven-balls woven into her hair, and her henpecked boyfriend.  Lucky for me, you came through here right after yet another Godzilla attack, so I don’t have to try stealing your worthless money to pay for all the damages.  I’ve been stuck pre-pubescent with a baby dick for forty years, so you’re gonna pay, gesu yaro.  Ja ne!”

Chargeman Ken left Manko writhing in pain on the sidewalk.  After a few moments, the sunlight Manko saw was blocked by the ‘weird chick with the seven-balls woven into her hair.’

She stated, “You messed up my 'My Little Pony' sleep-over with my friends, you dick!  In the Name of the Moon, you shall be punished.  Snuff ‘im, Mamoru!”

A somewhat handsome yet forgettable young male adult of the local race stood over him.  After replying, "As you command, my Ispania," the local life form brought their booted foot down upon his throat.  It only took Manko an eternal agonized minute to finally expire.

As Manko entered one of the many damnation levels of his race’s afterworld, he thought to himself, “Perhaps I should have joined one of those reincarnating religions.  Then, I might have created a paradise for my own.”  He passed into agonized oblivion as Chargeman Ken, his family, and his pet self-propelled marital appliance laughed at him.