Vampire Hunter D\'s Flying Circus

*Groves’ ghost is flying through the air. A bird flies through him*

Grove: Tickly. It’s…

***MONTY PYTHON’S FLYING CIRCUS***

*Roll weird credits*

*Benge is sitting around in Barbarois territory, lounging on some rocks*

Benge: I’m a Barbarois and I’m okay—

*Cell phone sound*

*Benge rummages around in that black hole of his, pulls out a spoon, tosses it away, cell phone keeps ringing. Benge pulls out a football, throws it away, cell phone rings again. Pulls out a garter*

Benge: What the hell?

*Flips garter away like a rubber band*

*Cell phone rings again*

* * * * *

*Said garter flies into Polk’s shop, smacks Polk in the face. He does nothing*

*D walks in, dragging a dead cyber-horse with him*

D: Polk

Polk: Huh? Who are you? Oh, right.

D: Polk, this horse you sold me died.

Polk: Looks fine to me

D: I dragged this thing all the way over here! It’s growing mold!

Polk: Looks fine.

D: This horse is dead!

Polk: No it isn’t

D: Polk, this horse is no more (kicks horse) This is an ex-horse! If I hadn’t dragged it all the way over here, it would be pushing up mechanical daisies! Look, horsy, horsy! (Kicks horse again)

*Horse tips over, bursts into flames*

D: what the hell?

Polk: He’s sleeping

D: He’s ON FIRE!

Polk: No he isn’t

D: Polk, that thing\'s dead, it died spontaneously and I want a refund!

Polk: He’s fine

D: He is not!

Polk: How about an exchange, what about that one?

D: Polk that’s a sheep

Polk: Thinks he’s a horse. The last one thought he was a bird. Jumped off the roof

D: Polk, this is ridiculous!

Polk: No, it’s a horse, they’re all horses, ‘cept the sheep

D: What the hell is this? (Points at garter)

Polk: hit me in the head

D: That really doesn’t explain anything

Polk: Beats me, I’m asking you

D: No, I’m asking you

Polk: No, I’m asking you

D: No, I’m asking you.

Polk: Don’t you have vampires to kill?

D: I need a horse to kill vampires!

Polk: How does that work?

D: I need to get to the stupid vampire to kill them!

Polk: Maybe they can come to you

D: How am I going to get a vampire to come to me if I’m going to kill it?

Polk: Isn’t that your problem?

D: I quit (leaves)

Polk: What a weird guy

* * * * *

*Leila, Kyle and Borgoff are sitting on top of the tank, which is moving*

Kyle: Anyway, my point is that every man—

Borgoff: And woman

Kyle: Fine, and woman has the right to defend himself—

Borgoff: Or herself

Kyle: Or herself, what was I saying?

Leila: you’re not finished?

Kyle: Anyway, everyone had the right to defend himself—

Borgoff: or herself

Kyle: Or herself from vampires, and to ask for help when needed—

Borgoff: Or vampiresses

Kyle: What is your obsession with women?

Borgoff: You saying that women don’t have that right?

Kyle: No, I’m just wondering why you’re so obsessed with them

Borgoff: I can be obsessed with women! It’s my right! And their right! And everyone had the right to be obsessed with men!

Leila: But why bring it up all the time?

Borgoff: I want to be one. I want to have babies.

Leila: You can’t have babies!

Borgoff: I have the right to have babies! A guy should be able to have babies if he wants!

Kyle: It’s not a matter of rights! You don’t have the anatomy! How’s the fetus going to gestate? A machine?

Borgoff: I should have the right to have babies, that’s all!

*A sword flies through the air, landing in the top of the tank*

Leila: Benge!

Benge (offstage): Where IS that damn cell phone?

*Leila throws the sword back*

Benge (still offstage): I don’t want it!

*Sword is thrown back, taking off Borgoff’s arm*

Borgoff: Anyway, I still want to have babies

Leila: Borgoff, You’re arm’s off

Borgoff: You’re interrupting

Kyle: No, I think you need a hospital

Borgoff: It’s nothing

*Grove climbs onto the top of the tank*

Grove: Hey, guys

Leila: Hey

Grove: Borgoff, is your arm off?

Borgoff: Yes, my arm’s off, why do people keep telling me this?

Grove: No reason, just curious. Kinda looks like you got attacked by a moose

Kyle: My sister was attacked by a moose. No, really, she was trying to carve her initials in it

Leila: Wouldn’t she be trying to carve her initials in the antlers?

Kyle: No

Grove: Uh, anyone seen Nolt?

Kyle: Not really.

Leila: Hey, if you haven’t seen Nolt, and we’re all up here, who’s driving?

Grove: I was going to ask you that

* * * * *

*Old barbaroi on a unicycle cycling around in loops and cirlces*

Old barbaroi: And now for something completely different...

*Gets hit by a fish and knocked off the unicycle*

Old Barbaroi: That’s not what I meant

* * * * *

*D is wandering around, when he stops suddenly hearing a squish sound*

D: What?

Hand: I think you stepped in something

D (checking his shoes): Looks like the Venus De Milo

* Little thing on his shoe starts yelling at him*

D: Aaah! *Stomps his foot on the ground* What was that?

Hand: An art critic

*D watches in disbelief as a tiny ambulance drives by, pulls the thing out from under his shoe, and drives off*

D: What the fuck?

*Another piece of artwork walks by. D kicks it and it explodes, then turns into flowers*

D: That’s it, the next thing running around I’m killing!

*A coconut flies through the air, and smacks D in the head. Coconut sprouts legs, and wanders off*

D: (drawing sword) That’s it!

*D run off after the coconut*

* * * * *

*Benge is still pulling crap, most of which wanders off on his own, out of his pockets. Caroline is sitting next to him*

Benge: Where’d I get a coconut from?

Caroline: A swallow?

Benge: African or European?

Caroline: What’s African? What’s European?

Benge: Don’t look at me (pulls a desk out of his pocket)

*Caroline sits down at the desk*

Caroline* And now a word from the man on the street

*Caroline shapeshifts into the desk and it walks off. Cell phone rings from Benge’s pocket*

* * * * *

*Mashira is in the road, running from the tank*

Mashira: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!

Borgoff: I don’t think that’s a word

Kyle: Right! This calls for immediate discussion!

*D runs by, swinging his sword at a running coconut*

Leila: This is the stupidest sketch I’ve ever done

Grove: You wanna stop?

Leila: Sure

Grove: How do we get down?

Director: Go to camera two!

* * * * *

*Nolt and Meier are making out, stopping in the middle when they see the camera rolling*

Director: Sorry, Camera three!

* * * * *

*Charlotte is in the shower, singing*

Charlotte: Always look on the bright side of—Ack!

*Charlotte throws a bottle of shampoo at the camera, breaking it

Director: Camera four?

* * * * *

*Carmilla is asleep in a coffin, hugging a teddy bear*

Carmilla: *snore* Zzzzz

Director: Any other cameras?

* * * * *

*Everything is pitch black*

D: Where’d it go?

*Walking sound.*

Hand: You might want to look out for—

*Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud
d
d

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

Thud

D: One of my better landings...

* * * * *

*Benge, still pulling crap out of his pockets, reaches in, yet again. Cell phone rings. D pokes his head out of Benge\'s pocket, ducks back in, not wanting to step out of barbarois’s black hole of a pocket.*

Benge: Get out of my pocket, D!

*Benge reaches to grab D. Cell phone rings*

Benge: Damnit! (pulls out a pair of black boxer shorts)

D (from inside): Aaaah!

Benge: I don’t want to know

*A cell phone is thrown out of Benge’s pocket, smacking him in the face. He catches it*

Benge: ‘You have missed one call’