Acceptance

A/N: So yeah, angst and porn...heavy on the porn ;)

Chapter Two

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“Lelouch, why is it that when you do something stupid I end up having to do more work?” Lelouch woke to CC’s petulant stare, “It cuts into my eating time.”

Lelouch slipped his eyes to the pizza boxes at his bedside, and said, “I think not.”

“Tch,” CC lounged back into her chair, “You just don’t understand…are you hungry?”

Next to the pizza boxes was a plate full of crepes and fruit, a tall glass of milk at his side. Lelouch licked his dry lips and closed his eyes. Nothing had ever looked as unappetizing as the fragrant food at his side. CC sighed deeply and let Lelouch adjust to consciousness in silence, a solid indicator that something in his world had gone deeply wrong while he was still asleep.

“Status report.”

CC sighed yet again.

“You have three cracked ribs and bruises on your back and arm. I’ve canceled your appointments for the next forty-eight hours. None of them were especially important. You’ve been sleeping for the last twelve which is a considerable improvement over the usual four. You’re under the influence of heavy painkillers and a sedative.”
Disturbing, but, “Suzaku.”

“Gone. Missing. Which is remarkably good judgment on his part. If he’d been here last night I would have killed him, plan or no plan.”

Lelouch opened his eyes again. It hurt to frown.

“Where have you looked?”

“Nowhere.” CC crossed her arms, golden eyes narrowed, “Lelouch, I found you unconscious in the shower. I laundered your clothing…You’re young and you may not know this but there are just some things-”

She looked to the side, stubborn even with tears in her eyes.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone.” CC wiped at her face, “I didn’t think Suzaku was the type to-”

Lelouch laughed a little before groaning and holding a hand to his chest. CC looked over with wide-eyed surprise at the sound.

“Suzaku didn’t force me, if that’s what you’re thinking…you’re right, he isn’t the type.” Lelouch sighed, “He’s only gone because I taught him a lesson that he didn’t particularly like.

“And that lesson?” CC’s voice was soft and her eyes were searching. Lelouch looked away, up at the painted ceiling.

He examined fat cherubs, a fat, sunny sky.

“That there wasn’t anything he could do to me that I haven’t already done to myself. It was getting tiresome watching him grasp for something he already had.”

“And what does he have, Lelouch?”

Lelouch hummed a laugh and it didn’t hurt nearly as badly as the one before.

“Power, control, what else?”

CC’s prolonged silence was enough to make Lelouch look back. The green-haired witch was dry-eyed once more but she looked tired, some of her age apparent on her face as she watched him, pulling her orange plush toy into her arms as she whispered, “Sometimes you make me so sad.”

“Don’t tell me things like that.” Lelouch muttered, disturbed by her downcast face. “I don’t need to know that.”

“You know,” CC’s voice wavered, “I think if Suzaku were here he’d be saying the exact same thing.”

Lelouch turned his head away and let his eyes slip closed.

“Quiet, witch.”

“Sleep, fool.” CC’s fingers were light against his jaw, caressing like the brush of a feather, a breeze. “And wake with the understanding you need.”

Lelouch wanted to tell her that he already understood…that he knew…everything…

And then Suzaku came to him in dreams.

***

Earl Asplund didn’t look terribly surprised to see Lelouch limp into his lab but his assistant had a minor but intense fit as the scientist walked over to give him a solid slap to the back, pulling Lelouch into a loose embrace with a heavy arm on Lelouch’s shoulders.

Lelouch forgave him the impropriety once he saw what was sitting in the middle of the room. Lancelot stood gleaming and powerful, upright and strong with glowing eyes. Out of the corner of his eye Lelouch saw Nina run in and then skid to a stop, a hand over her mouth in surprise.

“And it still moves as it did before?” Lelouch shrugged Lloyd off, running his eyes down the sleek lines of the Lancelot and noting where the limbs had been enlarged, how the accoutrements had gained in size.

“Of course,” Lloyd smiled, “We had to install three separate Sakuradite power stabilizers but it will move any way Suzaku wants it to. Magnificent, isn’t it?”

“Lakshata will be in a rage,” Lelouch agreed, his eyes never straying from Lancelot’s stoic face, “Let me in.”

“Of course, your highness,” Lloyd chuckled and went to the control panel, his fingers flying over the keys as Lelouch made his way down the stairs. By the time he was at the foot of the knightmare the tow line had lowered. It hurt, but Lelouch got a good grip with his arm and stepped on, the ride up to the cockpit surprisingly smooth. The back of the hatch opened but the pilot’s seat didn’t slide out.

It couldn’t, not with Suzaku already curled up inside. His face was slack in sleep, lit only by the glow of the console, and he looked shockingly small curled up into himself. Lelouch crawled in and the hatch closed shut.

Suzaku’s eyelashes fluttered, showing the barest gleam, but Lelouch knew he had wakened by the way his whole body tensed, from his eyebrows to his curling toes.

Lelouch got as close as he could, leaning against the hard edges of the cockpit, and whispered, “When did you stop hating me?”

“Lelouch…I never started hating you.” Suzaku’s eyes opened marginally wider but otherwise he didn’t move.

Lelouch wanted to lean forward and hit him but he settled for a scowl that made Suzaku grimace and begin to sit up, looking disheveled and miserable in a sadly familiar shirt and boxers.

“Then remind me, please, how it is that such a good friend sold me to the highest bidder for a spot on the Rounds.” Lelouch narrowed his eyes in the half-light, “I distinctly remember being held down by someone with a remarkable resemblance to Kururugi Suzaku so that my father could forcefully divest me of my memories of friends, loved ones, and the people who were dependant on me and needed guidance.”

Suzaku ran a hand through his messy hair and grumbled, “Point.”

“So you admit that you hated me.”

“I hated Zero,” Suzaku hissed, fisting a hand, “I still hate him.”

And there was the crux of the issue. Lelouch leaned his head back and sighed.

“Suzaku, Zero is just an alias.”

Suzaku didn’t answer, he just kept his furious eyes on the ground, his face twisting into a scowl with every second that his hands remained fisted at his sides.

“Suzaku,” Lelouch felt the familiar anxiety returning, “Suzaku, it’s my name. I made it my name.”

“Shut up,” Suzaku whispered, flattening those fists to palm his eyes, “I don’t want to hear it.”

Lelouch cursed CC vehemently in his mind and tried to move closer, but as soon as he did Suzaku backed away, his elbow hitting a button on the panel.

Lancelot lurched forward and both of them ended up in a pile on the consol, Lelouch yelping in pain and surprise, cursing as Suzaku pushed him back into the pilot’s seat. He backed into something else in his attempt to get upright and the room echoed with the sound of a two-ton plasma cannon being exposed in the air.

Outside someone screamed.

It sounded like Lloyd.

“What do you want to hear?!” Lelouch yelled, kicking out just in time to catch Suzaku in the face, “What do you want me to say that will make you accept this?! I’m sorry? I’m not fucking sorry.”

“Accept what?!” Suzaku was suddenly crying, fat drops sliding down his flushed cheeks, “That you’re going to die? That you’re going to-”

“Everyone dies, Suzaku,” Lelouch wanted to kick him again, just for being weak, for making him weak, “Everyone. I just happen to be doing something with my-”

“Fuck you!” Suzaku reached out and slammed his fist on a button that made the Lancelot move again, shaking the cockpit as the cannon was put away and the body righted itself. He pulled another lever and the screen announced that the Lancelot was powering down, going into sleep mode. Suzaku couldn’t turn it completely off or they’d both smother to death with all the heavy breathing and screaming going on. Lelouch wondered, briefly, if they could be heard down below.

“Fuck you!” Suzaku repeated, slamming his fists into the now-dormant console, “I love you!”

Lelouch was not nearly as startled as he should have been at the confession and recovered from the sentiment quickly, pulling on Zero’s metaphorical cloak of nonchalance.

“Of course you do,” Lelouch whispered coolly, leaning forward, “You’re a suicidal masochist.”

Suzaku’s eyes opened wide as he made a rough, angry noise.

“Don’t try to talk me out of this, you manipulative son of a bitch,” Suzaku hissed back, leaning fully against the screen, and as far away from Lelouch as he could get, “I hate you and I love and you’re just going to have to cope.”

It had been a long time since Lelouch was worked up enough to feel entirely poised while screaming wordlessly in frustrated, body-jerking homicidal rage, but he did so as he lunged towards Suzaku’s neck and he could swear that when they collided Lancelot shuddered a little under their feet.

“Lelouch, you crazy fuck,” Suzaku slapped him away almost effortlessly and it only made Lelouch more enraged, “You need pills, you…” and Suzaku actually grimaced as he looked to the side, “…you broke the fucking access key. Lloyd is going shit-”

“I’m going to break you!” Lelouch lunged forward again, but to no use. Suzaku was well versed in close-combat tactics and Lelouch was too angry to think let alone parry.

“The hell you are,” Suzaku grabbed his wrists with a scowl, “I refuse to indulge your bullshit any longer. You want to die? Fine, but while you’re still alive I’m not going to sit back and let you lie to yourself-”

“The only person I lie to is y-”

Lelouch snapped his mouth shut as he tried to pull away but Suzaku held fast with a grim, closed-lipped smile.

“And you do it so well,” Suzaku’s voice was warm, searing and the small space was suddenly stiflingly hot as Lelouch panicked quietly. He hadn’t meant to say that.
Suzaku wasn’t ever supposed to know-

“Tell me again,” Suzaku’s breath made Lelouch’s skin prickle and shiver, “Tell me how you’ll give me anything.”

All Lelouch could do was moderate his breathing and attempt to keep the fear off of his face. Neither attempts succeeded as Suzaku’s lips brushed against Lelouch’s neck, as he let his lower lip slide up Lelouch’s throat and shifted his grip to Lelouch’s forearms.

“Tell me,” Suzaku whispered against his skin, mouthing the corner of Lelouch’s jaw, “Are you angry?”

“F-furious.” Lelouch shuddered as the hard surface of Suzaku’s teeth pressed against the line of his jaw. Suzaku transferred the pressure to the tender skin of Lelouch’s inner arm. Suzaku exhaled his amusement when Lelouch’s hips jerked as the slow bite intensified, until Suzaku had a significant amount of skin caught between his teeth.

“Lie to me, Lelouch,” Suzaku drew the flat of his tongue against the slightly reddened skin. “Tell me how you don’t stare when you see me in my flight suit…when I kneel at your feet…c’mon. You know I’m gullible.”

“Never,” Lelouch’s mouth was running on automatic as the rest of him concentrated on the slow path of Suzaku’s mouth against his skin, “Your flight suit-”

“Skin tight,” Suzaku murmured as he mouthed the crook of Lelouch’s arm, “Lelouch,”
Suzaku tilted his head forward and drew his mouth over Lelouch’s thin t-shirt.

Lelouch groaned helplessly as that heat centered over a nipple and then stayed there, licking and sucking until he was panting and making noises that were so embarrassing he could just- Suzaku raised his head and Lelouch was caught in the concentration of his green eyes, in the focused heat and the, god, lust that looked so much like anger but just wasn’t.

He’d seen that look so many times…and now he couldn’t turn away from it, couldn’t change the subject or walk away or draw a gun or pretend, take advantage of Suzaku’s nature, lie to himself…Suzaku wouldn’t let him lie to himself, even as he whispered, “Did you ever touch yourself and think of me? That first time when you undressed I found the closest empty room and-”

“Oh,” Lelouch didn’t recognize his own voice or the body that had Suzaku pinned to the console again, pressing their mouths together, biting and hissing, “…no. I loathe you…I hate…”

Suzaku parted his legs and wrapped one around Lelouch’s waist, scrabbling at his back until Lelouch’s shirt was gone, nothing left but the white bandages that supported his ribs. Lelouch grabbed a handful of his hair and yanked it back to expose Suzaku’s long, tanned neck. His skin was salty and Suzaku jerked when Lelouch bit the underside of his jaw, groaning deeply as his hips shuddered upwards. Lelouch started moving against him, feeding the pleasure that came from just their proximity, getting drunk on Suzaku’s soft cries and the feel of his hands still gripping Lelouch’s back.

“Nh,” Suzaku arched his neck into Lelouch’s biting mouth, his cheeks flushed bright red as sweat ran down his temple, as his lips parted, not even trying to muffle every cry, groan and whimper.

Lelouch looked at Suzaku’s dazed expression and his wet lips, and was overcome by a sudden ravenous demand for skin. He stripped without hesitation, the wildness of his rage turning into the equal mindlessness of lust as he pulled off Suzaku’s boxers and then got a handful of his tank top, pulling on the fabric hard to expose a single brown nipple. Lelouch wrapped his lips around it, licked Suzaku’s chest with the flat of his tongue until it was pebbled and then bit down.

Suzaku dug his nails into Lelouch’s shoulders and screamed like he’d been stabbed, his face twisted into shocked pleasure as he hissed and wrapped his legs around Lelouch’s waist. Groaning against Suzaku’s reddening nipple Lelouch thrust down hard, trembling at the sound of Suzaku’s pleasured moans.

He wanted to hear more. It was all Lelouch could think…he had to hear more, see more, feel more…

“Shit, shit, shit…” Suzaku’s moans coalesced briefly as he urged Lelouch to keep moving with his arms, his legs, his own pinned hips doing their best to move. “Oh, fuck…”

Any other time Lelouch would be annoyed by the mindless noise but the words only ratcheted his own pleasure to such a degree that all he wanted to do was hear them again, breathing harshly and watching raptly as Suzaku’s face contorted, beautiful and desperate and completely at Lelouch’s mercy. Begging. Still, Suzaku was the stronger of them both and Lelouch found himself suddenly manhandled as Suzaku changed their positions, hooking a leg over Lelouch’s shoulder until he was bent nearly in half, his wet cock pressing against Lelouch’s stomach as Lelouch braced his arms and thrust helplessly against…against…

“Lelouch,” Suzaku was very suddenly, fiercely coherent as he hissed, “Lelouch, fuck me.”

His words had an instantaneous affect. Lelouch whined pathetically and bit down hard enough on Suzaku’s shoulder that the brunette hissed.

“I…I…” Lelouch couldn’t order the words going through his mind into a sentence as Suzaku pressed his biting mouth against Lelouch’s throat. He finally settled with a much abbreviated, “How?”

Suzaku laughed a little wildly, looking lightheaded and insane and desperate. He grabbed one of Lelouch’s hands and Lelouch very nearly unbalanced, making a noise when Suzaku nipped on the pads of his fingers and then drew two his mouth, moving his tongue around them, between them, finally pulling off when both were nearly dripping with saliva.

“Stick one in,” Suzaku ordered, “and then two. You have to make room.”

Lust was suddenly curbed by apprehension as Lelouch looked at the width of his fingers and then at Suzaku’s, his-

“I’m not going to break,” Suzaku whispered into Lelouch’s ear, running his hands through his hair and pressing kisses into his jaw. He was still breathing hard when he whispered, “Just take your time.”

“I’ll hurt you.” Lelouch knew that much.

Suzaku’s passion faded into a soft, warm smile, as he whispered, “I’m used to it,” and laughed.

Lelouch found it appropriate as he drew one hand down the crack of Suzaku’s ass, that their union would be culminated in a mixture of annoyance and desperate want.
He found his destination and drew his finger against the sensitive skin, pushing the tip in carefully, nearly flinching at Suzaku’s sudden moan, and whispered, “Yes, yes,” as Lelouch continued inwards.

“You’ve done this before,” Lelouch surprised himself with accusatory tone, watching as Suzaku’s already flushed face turned bright red. “Who?”

Suzaku laughed nervously, looking strangely embarrassed considering that Lelouch already had a finger up his ass. Lelouch thrust in experimentally and Suzaku’s eyes rolled back as he blurted, “Myself, okay? I did it to myself, ah-”

Cursing at the spike of pleasure that ran down his own spine, Lelouch pulled his single finger out and then thrust in two. Suzaku grimaced and Lelouch nearly murmured an apology, but his words, his brain, was still caught by the image of Suzaku sitting on his bed alone, contorted as he thrust into himself. Lelouch pressed his forehead against Suzaku’s sweaty chest and groaned, moving his mouth to suck on a nearby nipple as he began to move his fingers again.

“Stretch,” Suzaku whined, choking on his words when Lelouch bit lightly and followed Suzaku’s instructions. He moved his fingers gently, stretching the muscle until Suzaku groaned and said, “Three. You’re bigger than I ima-”

Suzaku snapped his mouth shut hard enough that his teeth clicked and Lelouch grinned wildly at the mortification on Suzaku’s face.

“-than you imagined?” Lelouch huffed a laugh, “Thinking of me, Suzaku?”

“I told you I did,” Suzaku groused, scowling, “Don’t get full of yourself, Lelouch.”

Lelouch laughed again with pleasure that wasn’t tinged with irony, with despair. It made him euphoric, and a little sad knowing that he had forgotten how a laugh like that felt from the inside.

“It’s one thing to masturbate after physical interaction or visual stimulation” Lelouch leaned down and drew his tongue over Suzaku’s lips, “and another thing entirely to fuck yourself in isolation while thinking of your best friend.”

Lelouch slipped a third finger in and Suzaku’s embarrassed, angry retaliation was cut off by a short, “Ah...fuck…now…”

Amusement was short lived as Lelouch looked down at himself and then to where he was already in Suzaku. Suzaku was right, the difference wasn’t significant but one intrusion would be longer and larger in girth.

“You’re such a fucking girl sometimes,” Suzaku gasped, rolling his eyes. Lelouch removed his fingers with indignation, ready to snap back, but before he could speak he found himself seated in the pilot’s chair, no time to do anything but widen his eyes as Suzaku grabbed his cock and began to lick, suck, and make Lelouch cry out.
The only thing that kept him from coming from the look of Suzaku’s mouth stretched around his cock, eyes hooded as he bobbed his head, was a sharply painful squeeze and a quick tug on his scrotum.

Cock thoroughly coated Suzaku moved to his hands and knees, looked over his shoulder and ordered, “Now.”

Breathless, his mind hazed with confusion and passion, Lelouch immediately complied with the order, holding Suzaku open with one hand and guiding himself with the other while pushing until the head of his cock slipped inside. The heat, the pressure; Lelouch immediately lost control of his mouth as he groaned and continued pushing in until he was sheathed.

Suzaku made a small, pained noise and Lelouch looked up to see his head was dropped, one arm propped and white-knuckled on the console.

“Suzaku-” Lelouch grimaced. Worry and ecstasy made difficult companions. Suzaku groaned and Lelouch fought against himself, his dumb sex, to keep still.

He remembered that moment when he had pulled his mouth away from Suzaku’s cock, and Suzaku’s desperately concerned reaction and felt an unfamiliar tenderness take control of him. Lelouch ran his fingers gently down Suzaku’s side, against his chest and thighs, hoping that the sensation would help Suzaku calm and drive the pain away.

Suzaku sighed under his touch and Lelouch knew that if he were to look those green eyes would be closed, the tension smoothing into something softer, better. It struck him in that moment how much his pleasure depended on the look on Suzaku’s face, the clutch of his hands, his helpless, passionate cries. Lelouch leaned over, bracing himself with a hand and kissed Suzaku between his shoulder blades, up to where he mouthed the curve of Suzaku’s neck.

The moment was…peaceful as they were drawn to each other yet again, as close as they could get and desperately satisfied by Suzaku’s skin alive, shifting, and pressed against his own.

“Now,” Suzaku said, his voice thick but not in pain, “Now, Lelouch.”

Lelouch began to move, but his care vanished after the first few thrusts as he muffled his cries into Suzaku’s slick neck. Still, a small part of him was just barely aware enough to mark when a certain position, a deep, angled thrust, made Suzaku arch and cry out, suddenly begging in a torrent of commands, just as he had before, only now; right there, harder, faster, more, god Lelouch, please.

Taking advantage of the position Lelouch continued, gasping but following direction until Suzaku was braced on the console, one hand pressed against the screen in a single sliding handprint.

“Touch me,” Suzaku was begging, there was no doubt. For a moment Lelouch was confused, he was already touching Suzaku pretty extensively, and then Suzaku growled out in frustration, “My cock, Lelouch.”

Lelouch laughed at his own idiocy before moving one hand to palm Suzaku’s toned stomach, groping downward until he found what he was looking for, wrapping his hand around and applying a familiar movement to Suzaku’s erection.

He had always been good at multitasking but Lelouch found himself a little lost, floundering in pleasure while trying to apply some semblance of control over both their bodies.

Still, Lelouch didn’t have to multitask for very long. Soon Suzaku was taking much of the slack, moving in countermotion with enough force that Lelouch was approaching a swift…Suzaku came with a shout, his whole body shuddering, one hand clawing at the console as he thrust into Lelouch’s hand and back on his cock. Lelouch had a moment to be surprised when he actually felt Suzaku begin to ejaculate as every part of him tensed and the pressure that had been almost painful before gripped harder as Suzaku’s muscles began to spasm. Lelouch dug his fingers into Suzaku’s side and pressed his forehead into his shoulder as his own body jerked in a violent climax, instinct taking over as Lelouch’s mind was eclipsed with pleasure.

They both collapsed in a jumble of sweaty limbs and heavy panting. Lelouch disengaged in the buzz, barely hearing Suzaku’s short curse as he settled awkwardly, half on the seat, a leg on the console, an arm caught up in a handle…Lelouch returned to the real life wondering how the hell they had managed to fuck in the cockpit of the Lancelot when there was barely enough room for one person, let alone two. Suzaku’s eyes met his own, looking confused and uncomfortable, rolling over enough that Lelouch had to wince; his chest was covered in abrasions and red patches that would certainly bruise, come, and Lelouch’s already purpling fingerprints.

Suzaku gave up his wriggling and collapsed in the foot-well, his legs tangled in Lelouch’s own and his head propped at an awkward angle.

“Ah,” Lelouch attempted asking if Suzaku was hurt in any way he couldn’t see, but all that came out was some mangled vowels and a deep sigh as he gave up thinking or moving.
“Uh-huh,” Suzaku agreed, his eyes starting to flutter closed.

The last thing Lelouch thought before falling asleep was that they’d gotten come and sweat all over the finely-tuned instruments of a multi-billion dollar weapon of war…but he sure was sure as hell not going to be the one to clean it up.

***
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