Metalia-sama

Jadeite had remained on the balcony, staring off at the lake for a long while before he moved again. He was angry, and he didn't even know who his anger should be directed at. It wasn't Zoisite, and he regretted yelling at him, but the emotion was still there.

It had to have been someone who lived at the palace, but there was no one that Jadeite could think of that would fit the profile. If Zoisite had had a lover at some point, wouldn't Jadeite have seen something? Nothing can be kept completely secret, especially not in the palace. He couldn't recall Zoisite ever leaving the palace regularly either, so he wasn't meeting anyone.

With a sigh, Jadeite left the balcony and followed a trail down to the lake. They didn't have a beach to speak of. Rather a three foot wide strip of small rocks between where the trees ended and the water began. He stared across the lake where he knew the palace was. It might as well have been invisible during the day, but Jadeite knew it was there, and it was something he could direct his anger at.

In a quick motion, Jadeite reached down and grabbed a handful of the rocks and began launching them one after the other into the lake with all the force he could muster. He didn't even hear the splashes as the rocks broke the surface of the water. In his mind he was breaking windows, chipping statues, inflicting whatever damage on that structure that he could imagine.

He ran out of rocks, and so he grabbed another handful, and then another. Sweat began to bead on his forehead as he finally grabbed his last handful, threw them all into the lake at once and screamed in frustration. Exhausted, he fell on his hands and knees and tears began to fall on the stones beneath him.

He wanted to hate something, someone. He wanted someone to blame for everything that he had been through. He wanted to hate the Master, Endymion as Zoisite now called him, but he couldn't. It wasn't he that had done those things to him, only his body which he couldn't control. Metalia? Some kind of energy being that you couldn't see or touch unless it was in someone else? Jadeite wanted to hate it, but he couldn't even visualize such a thing. Zoisite's ex-lover couldn't even be blamed for any of Jadeite's pain. Their relationship had come years before any of that had ever happened, and he too was in the past.

The palace itself just represented everything bad that had ever happened, since it had all happened within its walls. It was a lifeless structure of brick and mortar and marble, but it felt good to direct his anger at something, anything.

Jadeite managed to push himself off his hands, but continued to sit on the rocks by the lake. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve, feeling a bit better to have relieved himself of his pent-up emotions. He heard slow footsteps behind him, and he knew Zoisite was there. He had probably been watching him for sometime and Jadeite bowed his head, ashamed of his behaviour earlier. He didn't turn to face Zoisite, not even when his hand began to rub his back soothingly.

“I'm sorry,” Jadeite said quietly, looking down at the brown and grey stones, smooth and rounded from the waves.

“You don't need to be,” Zoisite's voice replied. “You're allowed to be upset.”

“I shouldn't have yelled at you, especially not for something that happened so long ago, before us.”

Zoisite gently urged Jadeite to his feet, and Jadeite saw no reason to fight this. He was guided backwards and seated on an old, fallen log. Zoisite sat beside him with an arm wrapped around his shoulders, but still Jadeite stared off into the lake, afraid to look at his lover. Ever since he had been told this morning about Zoisite's past, there was a question nagging Jadeite, but he was afraid to ask now. He was afraid of the answer.

“If you want to talk about it, I'll tell you anything you need to know.”

Jadeite looked down at his hands. “Even who it was?”

He knew he felt Zoisite tense momentarily, but it passed. “Yes, but only if you think it will help. But honestly Jadeite, I don't think it will make any difference.”

He was probably right, and Jadeite knew that. In truth, Jadeite didn't really care to know who the mystery man was, only if...

“Zoi?”

Zoisite gave his arm a light squeeze. “Yes?”

“Do you...” This was it, and Jadeite's stomach was in knots as he tried to vocalize his question. “Do you still... love him?”

Zoisite didn't answer immediately, and Jadeite knew that if the answer was 'no', then there was no reason for a delay. He bit his lower lip in fear of the coming answer. What if Zoisite did still love him? Did he love him more than he loved Jadeite? Can one even love two people at the same time? This person would be Zoisite's first love, wouldn't it? Wasn't that the one that was supposed to be the strongest? But, if the answer was no, that meant that he had stopped loving him at some point. Would that happen with them as well?

“Jadeite,” Zoisite said slowly, “I never loved him.”

That answer didn't make any sense in Jadeite's mind. Never? But Zoisite said that they had been intimate. Jadeite knew of exactly two emotional states that could be coupled with sex: love and fear. If Zoisite hadn't loved him...

Finally Jadeite turned and faced Zoisite. “You mean he forced you? Like what happened with me?”

Zoisite seemed surprised at that conclusion, but shook his head in the negative. “No, it was consensual. We just... I just didn't love him.”

“But if you didn't love him, why did you...”

“It was... convenient. Our relationship's only purpose was for pleasure, for physical release. We agreed that it would never become emotional, it couldn't because of our... my position as one of the Shitennou.”

The idea that sex could be an emotionless, yet consensual act didn't sit well with Jadeite. It sat even less well knowing that Zoisite, his Zoisite, could be capable of it. To Jadeite, making love was supposed to be emotional. A way for lovers to bond physically. When he was intimate with Zoisite, it was just as much about the physical as the emotional. Apparently Zoisite felt differently.

“When did it end?” he asked, and not without some difficulty.

“About two years ago. I ended it.”

“Why?”

“Because he was starting to feel things for me. We agreed that that wouldn't happen, so I called it off.”

“That's so cold.” Jadeite didn't realize at first that his thoughts had been spoken out loud. The whole arrangement did sound cold however, and not at all like the Zoisite he thought he knew.

“Yes, it was,” Zoisite agreed, “and I regret it now.” He waited for a moment, and when Jadeite didn't speak, he continued. “You're disappointed in me, aren't you?”

Jadeite opened his mouth to protest, but then in truth couldn't. Maybe he was a bit, or disappointed in himself for not understanding Zoisite the way he thought he did.

Zoisite just rubbed his back reassuringly. “Why don't we go inside?”

Jadeite nodded quietly and made his way back to the cottage.

---

Beryl had said that they would only have one more session, but Endymion was just coming out of his fourth. So far, he was learning nothing new, which certainly helped with him controlling his emotions, and convincing Beryl to continue, but he still wasn't getting anywhere. He was only witnessing himself beat Zoisite over and over again.

“There's more to it though. I know Zoisite, or at least I used to. He doesn't hate me because of anything I did to him. I did something to Jadeite.”

“Please, my Prince,” Beryl began to insist again. “Your mind needs to rest. Perhaps the reason you are not seeing anything new is because you are not ready to see it yet.”

“But I know I'm ready!” Endymion rose from his chair and walked over to the window. The sky was darkening. He had missed dinner, even though he had promised the others he would be there. He didn't even realize that so much time had passed. He would have to apologize to Nephrite later. “I need to know how I wronged them.”

He heard Beryl leave her seat as well and stand beside him. Her hand rested gently on his back, a reassuring gesture that helped calm him. “We will try once more,” she said softly, “but then we must end it for the night. Perhaps you do not require sleep, but I do.”

Of course, he had forgotten that he wasn't only being demanding of himself, but of this wonderful woman, the only person in the world right now willing to be honest with him. “I'm sorry, I've kept you here all day. I can leave now if you need rest.”

She shook her head and smiled. “One more session is fine, so long as you are not disappointed by the outcome.”

The Prince nodded. He was growing to expect the same memories now. Perhaps he needed to think about Jadeite, try to force memories of him to surface rather than just letting the memories come.

He and Beryl returned to their seats and began the now familiar process of going into the trance. It was becoming easier and easier to do, and soon the memories began to come forward quickly as well. This time however, he focused on Jadeite. 'Remember something about Jadeite, tell me about Jadeite.'

It was morning, Endymion was watching the sunrise through the window of the conference room while he waited for Nephrite.

“Good morning, Master,” said a familiar voice behind him as the door was closed to give the two privacy.

“Nephrite,” the Prince greeted, but not taking his eyes off the window. “Anything to report about the others?”

A slight pause, which the Prince picked up on. “No, Master, nothing suspicious that I saw. Perhaps they are beginning to think I am reporting to you.”

“Well, don't give them any reason to. Did you sleep well last night?”

The change of subject appeared to throw Nephrite off for a moment. “Yes, Master. Yourself?”

Endymion's lip curled into a smile. “Quite well, I took Jadeite again last night.” He waited a moment before turning to face Nephrite and see his expression. Nephrite was obviously uncomfortable with the situation, but trying to hide it, which made Endymion's smirk grow. “You don't seem happy to hear that.”

Nephrite looked down at the floor. “We're your servants, Master. You may choose to use us however you see fit, it's just that...” he trailed off, but Endymion wasn't going to let anything go unsaid.

“What?”

Nephrite took a breath. “I worry about him. Unlike Zoisite and Kunzite, he hasn't really been plotting against you.”

“I'm aware of that. He's not being punished. If anything, he should be honoured to be able to serve me in this fashion.” Nephrite didn't look convinced, so the Prince continued. “He'll get used to it.”

Endymion walked over to where Nephrite stood and placed a hand on his shoulder in a friendly gesture. “You are one of the only people I can trust right now, Nephrite. That trust does not go unrewarded. You could borrow him if you wanted.”

Nephrite's body tensed, Endymion could feel it in his hand. “I may consider it, Master.”

When Endymion came out of the trance, he was calm and thoughtful. He hadn't watched himself beat his friends, but rather had a conversation with one of them. If he could just figure out the meaning of it...

“Endymion-sama?”

“I was speaking to Nephrite, about Jadeite. I think it's about what I did to him, but I don't understand it.”

Without saying anything, Beryl stood and went over to the table. She placed a few items in a small bag and drew the drawstrings closed. She handed this to Endymion. “The incense I told you about. Burn some tonight while you sleep.”

Grateful for her generosity, the Prince readily accepted the bundle. “Thank you, I will.”

Smiling, Beryl gestured to the door, politely, but pointedly asking him to leave. He didn't mind, she had given him more than enough of her time today. He paused before leaving. “Thank you for everything. You've been more helpful than even my closest friends.”

“Whatever I can to help my Prince.”