Acceptance

A/N: Uhhh. I'm sorry that it's not Primary Gain? No beta, as usual for Acceptance. I thought I'd keep that consistent at least. Well, that and all the crying.

Anla


Chapter 3


"Lelouch," Suzaku scowled and winced and then scowled again. "If you start complaining that will be the first and last time I let you fuck me. Now, shut up and hand me the bleach."

Lelouch wanted to say a number of things, some of them running along the line of, 'Emperors don't do manual labor' or 'why should I care if we ever do that again' or maybe 'It wasn't my idea' but he figured he had no room to complain when neither of them could look anyone from the R&D division in the eye. They had learned shortly after passing out that during their activities Suzaku had pushed, pulled, pounded on, elbowed, or breathed too harshly on something that had let everyone in the hangar hear exactly what Lelouch vi Britannia and his Knight of Zero were doing in the Lancelot for at least forty-five seconds in between their screaming match and exhausted collapse.

CC assured him that his reputation had only been improved upon by the brief announcement but refused to tell him what had actually been heard, only giving him a sly, infuriating smile.

Lelouch handed over the spray bottle and resisted the urge to press his face into the crook of Suzaku's neck and just inhale, to surround himself in the taste and smell of the one good thing that had happened to himself in years. For the first time he allowed himself to truly appreciate Suzaku, his strength, his beauty, and wonder if he'd still be in love if Lelouch wasn't dying.

"Wh-hey, Lelouch," Suzaku tried to take the spray bottle back. "What the hell-"

They kissed.

Specifically Lelouch slung an arm across Suzaku's neck and pressed his lips against Suzaku's and leaned back so that Suzaku would have no choice but to lean forward and drape himself over Lelouch's body. The only problem, Lelouch acknowledged dimly, was the lack of lust. For a moment Suzaku froze but there was barely a breath of resistance until they were sharing a long, deeply satisfying embrace that had nothing to do with orgasms.

When Suzaku was finished Lelouch let himself go slack, turning his head away with a sigh.

"You're a freak." Suzaku sighed, taking up the bleach and the rag again. "This is driving you insane, isn't it? It's not rational, right?"

Suzaku sat back on his knees, straddling Lelouch's hips with a scowl and a brandished bottle. For a second Lelouch was worried that he was about to get a fine mist of industrial cleaner in his eyes.

Then all he could think, Suzaku leaning over him bare-chested and flushed was, would the geass still work?

"If you had more muscle on you I'd beat you up." Suzaku scolded, scowling as he went back to the console, muttering and spraying and maneuvering the towel into tight places. "You're driving me nuts. It's ridiculous. This whole thing is just-"

After a moment Suzaku gave up, throwing the rag and collapsing back into the captain's chair, his fingers red from scrubbing. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them, glaring with an expression of loathing that left Lelouch cold. It was the same expression Suzaku had worn the night Lelouch had been exposed. He'd stared at him the whole night like that, his gun in hand as the transport took them to Britannia.

"Even when you're not angry I feel like you hate me." Suzaku whispered, curling more tightly into himself. "Do you hate me?"

Lelouch watched back before muttering, "Don't ask stupid questions, Suzaku."

"Don't call me stupid." Suzaku snapped back, brandishing the spray bottle. "And don't change the goddamned subject."

It took everything Lelouch had not to point out that the subject was Suzaku's self-admitted lack of reasoning skills.

"Yes," Lelouch scowled. "I hate you, Suzaku. A fact which is evidenced, of course, by our steadily increasing exchanges of bodily fluids and trespasses upon personal space boundaries."

Suzaku stared at him for a moment with an odd, strained look on his face, and Lelouch elaborated, "I don't have sex with people I hate, Suzaku."

"You don't have sex at all!" Suzaku shot back, crossing his arms with a blush. "It's not like you've…established a precedent for this sort of thing."

"So you think I'm capable of fucking someone I don't even like." Lelouch started out the statement with outward indignation and ended with inward realization. Lelouch had done worse than that for power, and the fact that his body had never been up for exchange was probably because no one knew what he looked like behind that mask. The royal family had made a habit of screwing their way towards the crown long before Lelouch had ever come along.

However, despite being able to kill in several different languages Suzaku was still incapable of being rude in one and he choked out a terse, "That's not what I said. If you could can the sarcasm for a second and just give me some straight answers-"

Looking at him, flushed face, tense grimace, Lelouch understood what Suzaku wanted to hear. He sat up and brushed his lips against Suzaku's, threading his fingers through messy, wavy hair as he gave similar treatment to the clenched muscle of his jaw.

"I will never hate or love someone as much as I love and hate you." Lelouch whispered. "Does it really matter which order I do it in?"

Suzaku's head dipped down and his body went slack in a quiet, elegant collapse, and Lelouch knew that he was being allowed to touch him then, simply endured instead of embraced.

That was enough.

*

"Tell me something," Suzaku murmured, speaking under the voice of the orator, but not whispering. He had a hand almost on Lelouch's shoulder, on the back of his chair and had been hovering like that for almost an hour while staring at nothing in particular. Lelouch wished he'd at least bother to lean forward, to whisper a brush of air against his cheek but contented himself with smiling inanely as the war counsel focused their attention on the knight of Zero in one massive glare. With a small gesture the man went quiet and Lelouch split his focus between the past and the future.

"Go on," Lelouch said, pleased at the discomfort the ambiguity of his statement caused. All of the men before him were under the curse of the geass and the momentary confusion of conflicting orders was a persistent, almost sinful amusement.

"Fuck you," Suzaku snapped in a low hiss, knowing exactly why Lelouch was smiling and stomping away in a sudden twirl of cape and angry, clenched fists.

That was amusing too and moreso when Suzaku stomped back in half an hour later, his cheeks still flushed red and his eyes glassy with some sort of edgy determination. When he grabbed the back of Lelouch's chair it was to swing him around leaving Lelouch with only the view of his green eyes and clenched jaw. He wasn't breathing, just staring, and the previous six days linked them both as Lelouch remembered all the things they weren't doing to each other. Suzaku gave a little nod, dipped forward and kissed Lelouch right on the lips, their first touch since walking out of the Lancelot silently, defeated and alone.

"You love me?" The words were nearly a command to respond, stern and clipped when Suzaku drew back, his flush leeched to a sudden, stark paleness. Perhaps, and Lelouch smirked a little, he'd finally remembered their audience. It was one thing to confess in whispers, in solitude, and another thing entirely to walk into a war council, manhandle the emperor, taking certain physical liberties, and start giving orders. Suzaku was a soldier nearly as much as he was a man and even with their playacting, his elevated status…Lelouch didn't laugh, but his murmur was rich with something close to mockery though without the prideful sting.

"I believe I said something of that nature."

When Suzaku kissed Lelouch pride seemed to vanish alongside reason and Lelouch was determined not to fight the sensation, being afraid that it would take up all the fight he had left when they still had so far to go.

"Lelouch," Suzaku looked like he was ready to scream or fight or cry. "Just give me a straight fucking answer. Yes or no."

A steep demand. Lelouch tilted his head and leaned back, admiring the way Suzaku resisted glancing down to his bared throat, admiring the way Suzaku could so easily suppress the predator.

"Am I still the boy who gives straight answers?" Lelouch wanted to know and wished he could be for even one person. "Is that the person you see when you look at me, Suzaku, or the person you want to see?"

'Who could you bring yourself to love?' Lelouch thought, reaching up to brush away a lock of hair falling into Suzaku's eyes. Not the emperor, that much was obvious, and not Zero…so who? Perhaps that was the source of Suzaku's endless torment, his fevered self-examinations. He was disgusted at himself for loving Euphie's murderer or perhaps simply unsure, conflicted as he tried to separate and combine all the people Lelouch had made himself appear to be.

They were just names, titles, euphemisms that equaled a young man named Lelouch who had forgotten how to give straight answers. Straight answers were commitments and revealed nearly nothing about the second party, but the lack revealed Suzaku more than a simple statement could. He wasn't surprised when Suzaku left again, threading his gloved fingers through and fisting his own hair as he marched out of Lelouch's sight.

Lelouch watched Suzaku leave and abandoned amusement as a useless thing, a very poor shield against reality.

Then the Emperor turned back to the council and wrapped himself in the near-future instead and was safe from the current reality behind the cocoon of death and destruction. There was no practical use for despair.

He wondered how many years it would take for Suzaku to learn that lesson too.

*

"You're driving that boy mad," CC murmured, nibbling at a slice of cold pizza as she stared into Lelouch's nearly-closed eyes. Lelouch snorted around his own mouthful, swallowing and saying, "It's not my fault that Suzaku insists upon creating situations in which he is emotionally unstable. If everything goes well I'm going to die within a matter of months and he wants to complete our bond with a physical component, an urge that I happen to return. A rational individual would take advantage of the opportunity before the chance expires. He'll have plenty of time for an emotional breakdown then, when it's more convenient."

CC narrowed her eyes and raised an eyebrow, "That's how you see yourself? A 'chance' about to expire?"

Lelouch just sighed, closing his eyes.

"Is it really so surprising that I'd wish to distance myself from the fact that I'm going to die in great pain amidst a crowd that will surely applaud the sight of my insides spilling into the outside while I'm very barely, but still alive?" Lelouch tried and failed not to go cold, not to grimace. "I'd rather be a 'chance' if it doesn't twist your sense of honesty unbearably."

Laughing in a small huff, CC said, "Point taken."

"Thank you for the allowance." Lelouch murmured in return. "Much obliged."

CC just laughed, the sound choked around a mouthful of pizza.

Lelouch allowed himself to fall asleep.

He dreamt of standing on a podium, a ceremonial sword heavy in his hand as he watched Suzaku go deathly pale, swathed in royal purple.

"-louch! Wake up!" Suzaku's voice jolted Lelouch out of terror and he awoke to find himself clutching at Suzaku's arms, his heart racing and his face dripping with what he desperately hoped was sweat. From the look in Suzaku's bright eyes it wasn't, and from the hugging clutch of his arms Lelouch realized that he was still crying, still gasping and trembling from a nightmare he hadn't been able to abandon, even knowing at his core that it was nothing but that, a dream.

He continued to clutch, calming at the fact that Suzaku was still entirely, wholly alive. After a few moments he managed to pull away, trembling only slightly as he avoided Suzaku's stare.

"I'm fine," Lelouch said, reassuring them both, "Just a nightmare."

He found himself very abruptly embraced as Suzaku quietly began to tremble, holding Lelouch close with all of his strength and clearly not about to let go. Lelouch didn't fight it, he didn't fight Suzaku because he no longer needed to. Suzaku was far too busy fighting himself, whispering, "When can I wake up too, Lelouch?"

Lelouch touched his neck, the soft hair there, whispering, "What?"

Suzaku looked up, tears falling freely from his eyes as he demanded, "When can I order you to live, Lelouch? What will it take? Cursed eyes? A threat? Why can't this pain be enough to stop you?"

Ah, Lelouch realized with a heavy heart, I was speaking.

He looked into Suzaku's tortured stare and thought, Live on.

"Suzaku, we made a deal-" Lelouch murmured, "It's the only way to clear Euphemia's na-"

"Euphemia is dead!" Suzaku yelled, looking wild, undone as he gripped Lelouch's shoulders and gave him a hard shake, "Find another way!"

Lelouch blinked until the world stopped shaking, looked up, and kissed the tears that had fallen from Suzaku's eyes, cleaning away the trails with his lips and tongue.

There was something about death that made Lelouch passionate. Despite his nonchalance with CC earlier he was fully aware that time was running out…and Suzaku was touching him again, wanting him, wanting him to live.

"No," Suzaku whispered, "Not like this."

"Like this." Lelouch kissed Suzaku's mouth and leaned back until Suzaku was pressing him into the bed.

"No, please-"

"Just like this," Lelouch whispered, breathless as he spread his legs and invited Suzaku's weight, his hold, all the things he wanted to say and all the reasons Lelouch wasn't letting him. Yet again, again and again, Lelouch found himself needing Suzaku, alive and breathing, beyond reason and without excuse.

Lelouch needed Suzaku enough that he closed his eyes, kissed his lips and whispered, "Suzaku…don't waste the rest with crying."

Suzaku went very still, slowly inching himself upwards until their bodies weren't touching, but not pulling away. The statement seemed to move through his body in a sudden tenseness that ended with him crouched over Lelouch like a cage, his face buried in the pillow beside Lelouch's head. All Lelouch could do was wait, unnerved and impatient with the sudden, intense silence of Suzaku shutting himself down.

When it was done, when there was nothing left and Lelouch was sliding deep into regret Suzaku lifted his face, brushed his lips against Lelouch's ear, and whispered, "I'm not done fighting you yet, am I?"

Lelouch closed his eyes and pulled away, but it was too late. Suzaku's smile was sharp, mean as he grabbed Lelouch's wrists, bruising them as he pinned Lelouch to the bed.

Lelouch was gone, love was gone…Suzaku was getting ready to fuck Zero.

*

The struggle was silent inasmuch as there was no speaking, just grunting, hissing, and other base, animal sounds as Suzaku dominated and Lelouch tried to fight back.

Lelouch was helpless of course, and knew it, because as long as he was silent Zero held no power over Suzaku at all.

It was only when he was stunned by the force of Suzaku's slap that Lelouch hissed, "Suzaku, you fucking lunatic-"

"Shut up," Suzaku snapped back, "Just shut up."

"You don't want me to die, but hurting me is okay." Lelouch fought back fruitlessly. "Excuse me if I don't bend over quietly when you insist on-"

Suzaku slapped him again and Lelouch spent a few moments blinking the blur of the room away, his cheek red-hot and stinging. He understood belatedly that CC hadn't been exaggerating. Lelouch realized he only had two choices; take it and hate Suzaku as much as he would surely hate himself later or play to Suzaku's madness and put on Zero's metaphorical mask one last time. After a moment Lelouch let himself go slack and give in, arching his neck to look up at the painted ceiling and laugh. He could feel Suzaku's growl against his chest, feel the pain of it as he said, "Fine. But you should know something first, I think."

"What." Suzaku spoke after a long silence, watching calmly once Lelouch had resigned himself to being pinned.

"You should know, Suzaku," Lelouch murmured, looking him in the eyes with a wicked smile. "That watching from behind that mask was when I wanted you most."

That was not what Suzaku had wanted to hear, the expression of rage that settled onto Suzaku's features as he wrapped his hands around Lelouch's neck told. It was his opportunity then to touch Suzaku back, to claw and fight and hate, but Lelouch raised his freed hands to cup Suzaku's face. Lelouch touched him and remembered how it felt to watch breathlessly as Suzaku destroyed his plans with such brutal grace.

"Don't look shocked…it's only natural." Lelouch whispered, "When you fight me you give me everything, and there's nothing quite so compelling as that."

"Compelling," Suzaku bared his teeth, "You sick fu-what the hell are you smiling about!"

"I'm going to miss our little chats," Lelouch was smiling at Suzaku in spite of his pounding heart, his terror. "I say something mildly provoking, you lose your temper, you say something inane. I make a reply and you lose your temper. Someone starts crying, a city gets blown off the map, millions die-"

"It would be the perfect revenge to kill you right now." Suzaku's hands tightened with his rage. "All your plans, all your careful lies…for nothing."

For the first time since they'd met Lelouch looked into Suzaku's eyes and was afraid for his life. He went cold, felt the blood rush from his face as his hands seemed to clamp down on Suzaku's wrists by their own volition. The pressure started to increase, slowly and steadily, and before he lost the ability Lelouch pleaded, "Suzaku, don't."

"Dead is dead," Suzaku murmured back, "I say we get it over with now. Once you're gone the empire will crumble and I'll be the most wanted man in the world and then neither of us will have anything to worry about."

When Lelouch didn't reply, couldn't bring himself to fight, Suzaku whispered, "It's just not fair. You get to die and I have to live with killing you."

"There's no other way." Lelouch held Suzaku's wrists, held them tight. "It has to be done like this…for Euphemia, for Nunnaly. It's atonement Suzaku-"

"It's only atonement if you don't want to go. I'm starting to think you do. Come on, Lelouch…tell me you want to live, make me believe it and maybe I'll let you."

Lelouch didn't say a word and Suzaku started to squeeze. It wasn't until he found himself unable to inhale that Lelouch finally convinced himself he wasn't still caught in a dream, that the pound in his head was the pulse that might just stop if he waited too long. It was only when the world started to go hazy that Lelouch's lips started to move soundlessly, desperately as he dug his nails into Suzaku's skin, scratched, tried to get away, to breathe, until-

*

"You bastard."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"You're not sorry-"

"You're right, I'm not sorry." Suzaku looked down with doleful eyes. "Is your throat alright?"

Lelouch brought his knee up hard but Suzaku only smiled a little after shifting out of the way, saying, "Nice try."

Lelouch managed to bite back an enraged scream but just barely as Suzaku watched him with a simple pensive reflection that made Lelouch want claw his eyes out.

Instead Lelouch hissed, "Are you satisfied now?" and tried to ignore the fact that Suzaku's face had started to blur, that his own voice was hoarse from more than just the throttling.

"No. Not really." Suzaku sighed. He reached out and Lelouch slapped his hand away but Suzaku just reached out again to draw his fingers through Lelouch's hair, still fanned out against the pillow he had passed out on and Lelouch simply didn't have the energy to deny him. Instead he closed his eyes and turned away, unable to ignore Suzaku's caressing fingers as he tried to stop crying. After long moments of silent shivering Suzaku leaned down, brushing his lips against the soft skin of his temple and Lelouch stopped trying to hold the terror inside.

"I think…" Suzaku sat back as Lelouch turned his face into the pillow but his hand continued its damnable movement, as if stoking the fire of Lelouch's fear. "I think there's something wrong inside your soul, Lelouch."

Lelouch gasped a laugh and wanted to kill him, to murder sweet Suzaku who was forever dwelling over failings and espousing faults. But then Suzaku said, "I think there's something wrong with me too." And Lelouch could only sob, "You think?"

The bed dipped as Suzaku leaned over and kissed his cheek, dragging his tongue over one of the many tear-tracks on his flushed cheeks. Lelouch tried to jerk away, a reflex of fear as Suzaku began to lean over him again, his hands descending, and for one terrified moment Lelouch was sure that this time Suzaku would really do it, that he'd-

"I'm sorry." Suzaku whispered, his voice thready as he met Lelouch's expression. "I'm so sorry. I won't ever… I won't ever again, I swear it. I promise."

Until I get angry again, Lelouch added on as he tried to shift out of the way. For a moment he thought Suzaku was finally going to let him leave, frozen in an expression of abject repentance, but Suzaku was forever keeping his sins close and objectively Lelouch wasn't surprised that he would fist his hands in Lelouch's nightshirt, dipping to rest his forehead on Lelouch's sternum.

"Don't do this to me. Say you won't do this." Suzaku whispered. "Please, Lelouch."

Lelouch touched him then, one hand on the nape of his neck as he tried to pull himself together, but it was useless. He'd come the closest he ever had to the brink of death and at the hands of someone he…well, Suzaku. In a stumble of so many weeks trying to keep the thought at bay it was the first time that their culmination truly came home in Lelouch's heart. He let his fingers drift against the soft hair of his nape, letting them glide until he was clutching Suzaku awkwardly but close as he whispered –

"Alright."

Lelouch finally accepted that he no longer had the strength to stay still beneath the blade. Suzaku looked up, smiling wanly, his own eyes magnified by tears and light.

Lelouch wondered at Suzaku, at how oblivious he was to Lelouch's dedication, kissed him, and said, "For now."

Lelouch still had plenty of time to learn fearlessness.

And Suzaku dropped his head, moaned a low denial, and started to cry in earnest.

*

Suzaku walked around as if in a daze for nearly a week, his eyes dull and stained with the lack of sleep. With every passing day he seemed to become smaller and smaller, as if already in mourning. The sight drew many glances, worried or interested, and Lelouch especially couldn't keep from watching as Suzaku seemed to disintegrate.

Lelouch nearly ruined it all by hissing, "I'm not dead yet, you great fool."

Suzaku looked up and he stared witlessly, roused by the sound more than the sentiment and the expression on his face infuriated Lelouch into rising from his seat and abandoning his dinner. He was too disgusted with himself to spend one more second staring at the idiot for some glimpse of resurrection, for some life.

Just like that moment in the Lancelot, and with great frustration, Lelouch realized how his emotions had been caught up in Suzaku's. He imagined the connection as if it was a spider-web on his fingertips, sticky and unsettling, irrevocably caught and absolutely unfixable.

Lelouch stormed down the closest hallway, furious and ignoring the clatter of the geassed guards following behind. There wasn't a hint of his usually stately glide and he ignored them, smiling bitterly as he slipped into one of the hidden passageways before they could round the corner and see. Inside the narrow hallway was dark, the air stale, but there was an immediate comfort in being freed of watching eyes. Still for only a moment he sighed, sloughed off Suzaku's expression in his mind and moved forward blindly, one hand tracing the wall.

Sometimes Lelouch grew sick with the power. For a moment he imagined himself a prince again, slipping into secret places with a fearlessness that came with youth and the surface pleasures of entitlement. The dark was a good place to dwell on the past, where no one could see him and he didn't have to see himself, pathetic and wondering.

Suzaku would kill him if he knew what Lelouch intended to do instead, illuminating the hallway with the flick of a wrist and walking up the narrow passage in the dim light of a lamp far too many years old. With the usual peep-holes it would have been impossible to acquire illumination but when Lelouch was very young the palace had been given an overhaul and the secret passageways had obtained updated surveillance. When he finally took his seat on an old, dusty chair Lelouch was behind a one-way glass mirror and watching tiredly as Suzaku ripped into his room and slammed the door behind himself, cursing bitterly in Japanese/English gutter-slang with a vehemence that made him look about ten years old.

He disappeared, streaming clothing behind him in his vehemence and Lelouch turned to the adjacent wall, watching as he entered the bathroom, gave himself a brief, disgusted glance, and then stomped into the shower.

Lelouch watched, found himself biting his lips as he leaned close to the fogging glass and wondered why he hadn't resorted to such tactics earlier.

Despite their earliest enmity Lelouch had always thought Suzaku worth looking at, he was exotic, strange and new, and as an adult that was still true. Suzaku was beautiful in his defeat, bracing his hands against the wall as water sluiced down his back, turning wavy hair straight and dark, and his emotions bare as he pressed his forehead against the tiles.

"I hate you." Suzaku's voice echoed against the tile. "I hate you. I hate you."

Lelouch sighed, crossed his arms, and was grateful that at least Suzaku wasn't looking into the mirror when said it.

It was while watching as Suzaku, shuddering, finally took himself in hand that Lelouch finally decided what to do with his knight errant.

*

"You're a bastard." Suzaku hissed when Lelouch finally found the time to crowd him into a corner. He was furious, red-cheeked and glassy-eyed, but that didn't keep Lelouch from kissing him. "And if you think I'm going to put up with this blatant manipulation-"

Lelouch snorted, pushed him a little harder, and murmured, "Does CC give you a script to memorize or just a list of appropriate key-words?"

"Go to hell." Suzaku snapped and Lelouch let himself get bitten, making a noise that immediately calmed Suzaku down even though it was only a tiny sting. He huffed but finally uncrossed his arms, wrapping his hands around Lelouch's waist and opening his mouth, allowing Lelouch to receive more than curses. Despite being the one pinned to the wall Suzaku had a way of making Lelouch feel trapped, but notwithstanding his intentions Lelouch didn't count the act as manipulation when he was the one speechless and desperate for the way Suzaku touched him like he was owned, as if it was his right alone to tumble Lelouch over the edge of desperate tactics. He had both hands in Suzaku's hair, rubbing up gently against his hip, and it was only when he thought of him in the shower golden and panting that Lelouch remembered why he had sought Suzaku out.

Thinking of Suzaku's previous statement, and the general nature of hell, Lelouch smirked and said, "I'm here to make a deal."

"I have absolutely no problems with the idea of beating you senseless." Suzaku warned, pushing him away by the shoulders with a scowl. "What is it you want now, your highness?"

Suzaku's tone, the look on his face…Lelouch wanted Suzaku, wanted him to stop hurting, but he wasn't going to offer himself up as Suzaku's whipping boy in order to get a little peace of mind. Perhaps Euphemia's death had still been sharp, perhaps Suzaku hadn't been quite in his right mind when he did it, but Suzaku had made the deal and accepted his role in Lelouch's death. He'd been the one to wrap his hands around Lelouch's neck, with the only purpose to terrify. That wasn't something either of them should forget and Suzaku least of all.

"I've changed my mind." Lelouch jerked away, wiping Suzaku off his mouth. "Feel free to go fuck yourself."

Suzaku just rolled his eyes, making a noise of derision that left Lelouch shaking in rage and wondering what level of idiocy he had fallen to if he had been prepared to offer up that.

Suzaku took another look at him and snorted, sneering down to say, "What, you're going to sulk now? What a waste of time-"

Over the weeks Lelouch had been careful, tiptoeing around Suzaku and his various complexes, but if Suzaku thought Lelouch would just sit still and forever allow him to lash out then he was sorely mistaken. Lelouch shoved him hard into the wall, making sure that his head made a significant impression before giving Suzaku a very vivid piece of his mind.

And when Lelouch left Suzaku was still standing dazed, looking like a fool with his mouth wide open.

*

"Soooo." CC wandered in, posing dramatically on Lelouch's desk with a piece of pizza in one hand and a particularly shit-eating grin on her face. "Please tell me what you said to Suzaku for him to look like that so I can say it too."

"Go away." Lelouch snapped back, ignoring her for his pages and pages of briefings.

He could almost see her raised eyebrows as CC said, "Well…that's not very original. And now I'm curious."

"What are you is nosey and intolerable." Lelouch enunciated. "Go. Away."

"You're no fun." CC sulked, taking an enormous bite of her food. "Suzaku's walking around looking like someone slapped him with a fish and you won't even tell me why…not that I'm saying Suzaku doesn't need a good slap now and then. So stubborn."

Lelouch huffed, not liking the gleam in her eyes as she said, mouth full, "And he's not the only one."

"Go." Lelouch felt his temples begin to throb. "Away."

CC just snorted, rolling her eyes as she collapsed into the chair opposite his own at the desk. She stared up at the ceiling for a long while, giving Lelouch a brief respite in the silence before interrupting his very important and crucial work with, "He hurt your feelings."

That stung more than Lelouch wanted to give her credit, was more insightful than usual, and all Lelouch could do to keep his sanity intact was stare down at the tax figures on his desk and count to ten.

She was right and Lelouch was angry at Suzaku all over again and flushing in embarrassment and anger.

"It's all so very high school." CC mirrored his thoughts exactly, only deviating to add, "And surprisingly refreshing. You may be emperor, Lelouch, but you're still just a boy."

Then, the witch, she added with wide, golden eyes that seemed to stare straight through him, "Both of you…"

The moment was surreal and slightly worrisome as Lelouch forgot his own troubles to find the look on her face very disquieting. CC was suddenly older, with the weight of centuries in her inward stare. Lelouch remembered it then, their pact and how he was going to break it utterly, and the feeling of disquiet only sharpened as he resisted the urge to fidget in discomfort. Guilt was an emotion he would never get used to, no matter how relentlessly it dogged his heels day to day, hour to hour, moment to tremulous moment as he lived his life alongside ghosts.

Lelouch bit the inside of his cheek and prayed for some sort of normalcy to attend his own embarrassment as he muttered, "…I was going to…well I was going to let him…"

CC's gaze sharpened in unrestrained amusement and an expression that implied that the depth of his maturity was a no-dive zone.

"I thought it would make him feel less sorry for himself." Lelouch stared back down to his papers, his blush even hotter than before but his guilt placated by the burn. "To have that. For himself."

Suzaku could already claim a majority of Lelouch's heart but Suzaku's self-loathing idiocy would never recognize the truth of that fact, never understand that despite a bone-deep reluctance Lelouch found himself in…in…infatuated, Lelouch told himself firmly. Simply infatuated.

CC grinned.

"Satsified now?" Lelouch signed something without really seeing the text as he steadfastly ignored the pounding of his heart. "Go away."

"You're both so clueless." CC sounded delighted, ignoring him yet again to nibble at her pizza and smirk. "It's adorable. Poor Suzaku."

"Poor Suzaku." Lelouch sneered. "Poor Suzaku brought this on himself."

"Hmmm. Maybe. And kicking himself all over the castle for it too."

Serves him right, Lelouch thought bitterly.

"I have more important things to worry about."

"Just one more thing before I go." CC tossed her crust on the ground and looked altogether too smug as she said, "There's no shame in going after something that you want Lelouch. I think you'll find that handsome young men are always at the very least convenient, no matter what excuse one is using to take advantage of the fact. Even those with the more feminine graces have needs."

Lelouch realized her implication and stood, taking at least a little satisfaction in her sudden dart towards the hallway as he picked up the closest paperweight.

"GO AWAY!"

But her laughter still echoed behind regardless of the punctuation of broken glass.

Witch.

*

Suzaku bowed grandly, dressed in his finest uniform, elegant in every movement despite his expression suggestive of someone attempting to pass a kidney stone as Lelouch glared from the desk.

It took a few minutes but eventually he managed to meet Lelouch's stare through the ire to declare, very dramatically,

"Sorry."

And then, his smile weak, "I just wanted…to let you know."

"Let me know that you're sorry?" Lelouch drawled. "And what is it that you're sorry for? I assume there's an exhaustive list so perhaps you'd deign to elaborate."

"Um." Suzaku grimaced, looking pained. "Everything?"

"The acuity of your clarification is stunning." Lelouch was, despite himself, deeply amused by Suzaku's squirming. The sudden sense of enveloping power probably had something to do with the change in emotion. Poor clueless Suzaku…and CC had been right, he was very stubborn but mostly young as he tried to divine exactly what he had done wrong in the first place through revelation in Lelouch's non-existent mercy.

And the flush of his cheeks was, in its own way, just as becoming as his groveling.

Suzaku, the poor kicked puppy of the Britannian war machine.

"Fine." Lelouch cut off another round of stuttering and flicked his fingers at the flowers poorly hidden behind Suzaku's back. Then, helplessly, "You are aware that I am not in fact a girl."

"Yes." Suzaku sighed, but he was stubborn in his intentions and Lelouch found himself in the possession of a vase of daises; handpicked if their trodden appearance was anything to go by. "Here. They're for you anyways, because-"

"You're sorry. I get it." Lelouch went back to his work but he didn't push the flowers away even though they brushed at his face distractingly. "You can go now."

But Suzaku was suddenly brushing his face to, his calloused touch just as gentle as the petals as he tilted Lelouch's face with a very sad, very sweet smile, his eyes narrowed against the overflow of some hidden emotion.

"I love you." Suzaku's voice was very thick and nearly mournful. "I just love you so much, Lelouch."

"That's no excuse." Lelouch whispered, though it was for them and they both knew it. "It's not some free pass that you can pull to get out of trouble."

"I'm begging you." Suzaku continued, deaf as a tear slid down his cheek. "I forgive you. Please…for the first time in your life…Lelouch, let that mean something."

It was too much. Lelouch shot out of his chair and had Suzaku's collar in his hand in a moment, pushing the idiot up against the edge of the desk to grimace and hiss, "Liar."

"I'm not-"

"You are!" Lelouch shoved him again and once more in his frustration. "You're…you're a liar, Suzaku."

"I'm not!"

And then Suzaku was kissing him, clutching him, and whispering it again and again until Lelouch could no longer sustain his anger.

"I love you."

And Suzaku kissed him like he meant it, which seemed too easy, and then said it again, which was too much for Lelouch to bear because Suzaku…well, he sounded like he wanted it to be the truth and desperately so. He wanted to love Lelouch, but Lelouch-

It was too much to bear and not break, but Lelouch tried. He tried not to echo the words and the despair of them in his own heart and failed utterly. Suzaku kissed him so gently that Lelouch could feel the brush of sensation down to his very bones where the tenderness ran through like a tremor in his marrow and manifested in a single, disastrous sob as Lelouch finally gave into him, into Suzaku's protestations, and broke.