Dying to Live

“Why did you feel you couldn’t tell me this?” Shori raged, his eyes flashing dangerously at his little brother. He and Yuuri were seated in the study of his house.



“Why would he tell you something important?” Murata mentally responded drolly. He was standing outside the closed door of the room while Yuuri and Shori talked.



“I didn’t even tell Murata,” Yuuri responded, running his hands through his hair before he sat in a wooden chair. Resting his elbows on his knees, he watched his brother pace in front of him like a caged panther.



“It is bad enough I failed to protect you. Did you at least catch who did it?” Shori sighed, some of his anger evaporating when he realized he was more upset with himself than with Yuuri.



“It’s a private matter.” Yuuri’s head swung up as he became defensive.



“Yuuri, we are family; nothing’s private,” Shori sighed, shaking his head. “I will respect your wishes if you refuse to tell me, but I will find out who did it.” Shori’s expression of certainty put a tight scowl on Yuuri’s face.



“And if I order you not to dig into it?” Yuuri stood facing his brother, shoulders squared.



“I won’t dig then- I’ll merely follow your old schedule until I figure out the likely places it could have occurred.” Stroking his chin in thought, Shori began to walk around the room again. Yuuri stood staring straight ahead.



“Following his schedule isn’t going to work,” Murata mentally scoffed as he continued to listen in to the conversation on the other side of the door. “I’ve already tried that and nothing good came of it- well, nothing except Hisao.”



“I don’t believe your assignment from Bob involved digging into my affairs,” Yuuri rallied, his eyes flaring dangerously. “If you have nothing to report on the assignment you were supposed to be doing, then I have nothing to say to you.”



“The other assignment doesn’t matter to me as much as…you are my flesh and blood!” Shori temporarily reverted back to his earlier attitude. “Besides that fact, you are on Earth and are now my top priority.”



“No, your priority is still the assignment I gave you. By your own admission, you failed me once.” Yuuri walked towards the door, tossing over his shoulder one last line as he went. “Don’t fail me again, Shori. I doubt your psyche could take it.” Yuuri felt guilt lying heavily on his shoulders as he left his brother to his own devices.



Murata had just enough time to slide into the shadows when Yuuri walked out. He decided to get information out of Shori; it would be entirely too easy for him to find out what Yuuri had assigned Shori to do.



“Yuuri’s older brother, that didn’t look like it went so well.” Murata commented glibly, his eyes following Shori’s careful movements. “You might want to try a different approach next time.”



“You know what, you’re just jealous because no one gives a damn about you.” Shori replied evenly and with more calm than Murata thought he had, looking out of his study’s window.



“Yes, that is exactly why everyone wants to talk to me,” Murata retorted, crossing his arms across his chest before he even realized he was on the defensive.



“Yes- talk to you, but nothing else,” Shori scoffed, looking at Murata for the first time. “You’re just one big joke. How did you even get the name “Great Sage”? You make wisecracks and act holier than thou, but what are you doing here if you’re so in high demand in Shin Makoku?”



“That is none of your business,” Murata responded.



Struck by a sudden thought, Shori turned from the window to face Murata fully, his eyebrow raised. “Yuuri’s rape is killing you isn’t it? You couldn’t protect him, either.”



“Don’t you dare put me in the same category as you!” Murata retorted, his teeth clenched.



“No?” Shori stood and walked toe to toe with Murata. “Well, I think you’re here to try to catch Yuuri’s rapist. I think being in Shin Makoku just reminds you of your failures and what you don’t have. Yuuri has Wolfram, Gunter has Gwendal and Conrad will eventually have Yozak, while you have no one. Now tell me I’m wrong.”



“What is the point? Yuuri’s older brother, you wouldn’t understand,” Murata shook his head.



“What I do understand is that you are alone now. No insecure Yuuri to guide because he is coming into his own. It must really anger you to no end that you have become unnecessary. Oh, wait isn’t that how you end up in every life you lead, unhappy and unnecessary.”



“I don’t have to listen to this,” Murata retreated both verbally and physically, his heart beating erratically since Shori had seen right through him and his words had struck deeply. Shori watched him go. He should have felt satisfied getting the better of Murata, but all he felt was hollow.



“I could make you happy Murata,” Shori whispered quietly, “if you would just see me as someone besides Yuuri’s brother.”



He went to his computer and pulled up the file on Hisao. Leaning back in his chair, he closed his eyes as he considered the information at hand. His fingers flew over the keys as he allowed his thoughts and the information he possessed in his head to filter down into his fingers. When he was done, Shori opened his eyes and swore at the one word written in bold:



“RAPIST.”



Murata walked away from Shori’s house at an almost gallop. His thoughts whirling he let his feet set a course for him; he was locked inside his head, reliving what he could remember of previous lives, reliving the times he had found someone, only for it to not last, or the times he had died because he was loyal to his beliefs.



When Murata’s soul had disappeared for some generations, it was not because it had not lived more lives; it was because it needed to heal. Life after life of abuse, torture, despair and self-hatred had been eating away at the integrity of his soul. He was aloof because he could not allow himself to be close; Yuuri had been the only one in a long time to be close to him. If Yuuri hurt, Murata hurt more because he should have been there for Yuuri. But Murata had forgotten the reason he was so aloof and distant; he cared too much and hurt too easily.



“Why am I always the fucking martyr?” Murata internally screamed as he broke into a run, his feet pounding the pavement in an attempt to outrun himself. He stopped running when he realized where he had run; Hisao’s bedroom light was still on. As rain started to fall, Murata realized he had a choice; his body had chosen Hisao, but what about his heart? Ulrike had looked at him with great sadness the first time she had sat eyes on him; her words had cut through him, but he had laughed away her predictions.



“Find the ones who see you, Great Sage. You are never in the shadows with them, but realize that not all who see you are after your heart. There will be one who has been reborn several times as well who will break you, but the one who will stay with you and teach you love is the one who touches you will kindness and loves you intensely.” Ulrike’s eyes held a strange glow while she spoke. “You will not heed my words now, but in time you will see.”



“The only thing I see is rain and a house,” Murata mumbled, standing up straight, letting said rain pelt his body and obscure his vision. “What do I do now?”



Yuuri hid across the street, watching Murata and wrestling with his need to find out what was going on and comfort his friend. He was panting slightly from his chase. “Who lives there that Murata would want to see?” Yuuri looked around and noticed that it was close to the location where he had arrived. His eyes focused back on Murata as he waited. Yuuri knew in his heart that Murata was breaking, but who was the person he was turning to?